Journal

ch. 6...the final chapter of part 2...i'm trying to play with the blog age...tho' the dates seem anachronistic hence the title Journal

 

29 Oct 1999

so i was hit by a drunk driver last night. eek. i have nifty neck brace cause my neck hurts like a mother. so now i no longer have my beautiful '98 Maxima that was oh so great. thanks to some jerk. in other news i have 2 crazy tests this week Juan’s tutoring me for physics i have to make him come over tomorrow since I’m in a state of shock right now. And the body's a lot achy. I’m so mad right now i really don't understand why people drive drunk this s**t really, really pisses me off. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. i need to talk to someone i can't type this crap anymore. wonder which friend will be the friend in need today...hmm

06 Nov 1999

i woke up today. at 9. i had the best plan i was gonna get up and try to go to school calc at 8a...so i was gonna wake up like 5 so i could get to school by eight. i woke up at 5, but i couldn't move until 9. funny cause i told josh if i couldn't make it to school, i was totally going to Starbucks from 9ish till about 2 so i could get some work done...don't know how that was gonna work with me unable to sit up on a normal chair for more than 15 mins but i was gonna try. i don't wanna take painkillers because i don’t know how bad this damage is and i don't wanna become addicted to painkillers, meanwhile this excruciating pain in my back and tail bone...ouch, and the base of my neck and collar bone is definitely becoming out of control. sucks. I’ve been trying to be tough Rhea and not complain. but it sucks. i wanna go to school. i don't wanna stay home. i wanna work. but how can i even get to school or work, if it takes me 4 hrs to muster up enough strength then i miss my morning classes....D****t...i have frickin A's too...i take a year off school, and i decide to clean my act up...the act of acts, head back to my overly busy but totally manageable lifestyle...not wasting anytime, totally maximizing my potential and still managing to get sleep and be completely alert and oriented 6 of the 7 days a week that i spent working or schooling or both....seems unfair that i should be in bed-rest with no car, and no form of activity less sleeping and eating, and possibly getting homework that my professors have yet to see. I’m gonna die if i can't go to school or work soon. i need activity i need to keep the blood flowing in my veins and i can't if I’m just at home bogging about how much it all hurts. i see the chiropractor in an hour and half. sucks a*s. I’m not gonna cry about this but now this accident hurting me in the place in my life that i had the most control over. school. calc. i have an A in that class. prof. Hochberg told me he doesn't know if I’ll keep my A if i can't make it to class. SO UNFAiR. i might have to withdraw cause i missed 3 classes. and we don’t know when I’m gonna be able to make it to class. perhaps i should just...oh i don’t know. i'mma try school on Thursday. i have to go. I’m really gonna have to go. even if i have to take the train and my back hurts and i have to be in tears during my commute...i gotta go to school. this is not going to ruin my life. i won't let it. i can't. i hope keegan can help me. i gotta call linda. yea. I’m going to school on Thursday. tomorrow i gotta bring paperwork to the JOB. i would fax it but i need to make sure it gets there. i want my dad. sucks.

13 Nov 1999

explain to me why life is kicking me repeatedly in the face. woke up today. prayed. made it through calc. it was like i never left. great. stay he says. thanks prof. H. u’re the greatest. went to the j-o-b...disability paperwork...hmm already filed. thanks maRiBou and BOB. so far so good. checked dept stats...they suck. talked to val...ooo she was pissed. really pissed. damn i forgot to call her. tomorrow. train ride home OUCH!!! what a painful painful ride. were we riding on tracks...JEEZ. chiropractor and massage therapist. my freakin back is destroyed. breathe. so i passed mom on our street we had to talk about it later...even she had a doctor's appointment. ehh. pulled in the driveway. got in the house, ate some chicken. phone rings. funny how i ignored josh's phone calls but i pick up this jerk's phone calls instead...anyway. he called. wanted to know how i was doing. what the hell for man? i needed one stupid thing 2 weeks ago and asked u cause u asked me if i needed anything...i guess just to ask the question, not really help me in need...so don't call me asking me how i'm feeling. s**t i was better b4 u asked the freaking question. 9 mins and 34 secs later the driest conversation of my life ever. then momma comes home...we can't afford a new car...apparently in the past three months we spent...WHAT? 25,000 dollars. Effin’ A. i haven't cursed angrily in a minute. so my tragedy continues 2 weeks later no car. no work. almost broke...almost...i'm mad as hell. so i'm not getting a new car. i'm supposed to be moving to BROOKLYN so i guess that's that. OMG. i don't even wanna move. i like it here. it's so peaceful and it's free. and anyway. maybe i'm just a brat. but i deserve a break and this sure as hell isn't one.

15 Nov 1999

my lil sister is torturing me right now. she should be playing the piano, but instead she's been banging on the keys for the past 20 mins and i have a headache the frigging size of México. i'm never frickin having kids. not even worth it. eek. so i'm bored outta my mind. i need to talk to someone. by back's killing me today. i'm done. life is totally sucking today. i gotta do my Greek. but this evil child is taking over the next two hours of my life. i frickin hate kids man...anyhow. made some changes since last week. i don't have to wear the brace anymore hopefully...my back hurts more today than it hurt any other day. i no longer have a boyfriend. i think it was within his best interests more so than mine...even though i made it out to be the other way around. i dunno. we definitely jumped in heads first eyes closed with no regard for the consequential problems. i need to stop that selfless thing. hmmm. i wanted to be selfish and keep him forever but it wouldn't be healthy for us...i think he knew. he agreed with me anyway...probably for fear that I’d punch him in the face. i'm in no condition to be punching anyone...i couldn't begin to muster up the strength. and despite popular belief i'm really NOT a violent person. i'm turning 22 tomorrow. i'm kind of mad at myself though. but i had no control over that one thing so....anyway...i think i'm gonna stay away from boys again. at least try to. besides i think i met every possible type. and i'm good. i don't need any more exposure. i'm good. really now. besides there's not much else to see...all the different types are exactly the same...no difference. i'mma leave that as that.

23 Nov 1999

so it's thanksgiving yet again. and i'm watching love actually yet again. this movie brings out the lovestoned-lovestruck complete lunatic in me. makes me do some cuckoo things. love actually is one of those great films that only people like me can truly appreciate. why? love from every possible angle...you know it was just a beauty to experience again. and then i got to thinking like i always do and i did the craziest thing I’ve done since god knows when. And yea it worked. so i just wanna say it doesn't hurt to try, it hurts more not to. that's my advice, whether it's new, old, broken, uncertain, certain, perfect, imperfect....no matter what kind of love it is ask, tell, say something to whomever needs to know that would be the object of affection not just everyone else...i'm sure it couldn't hurt anymore than it already does, and besides what's the worse they can say, like my friend king rob says..."no?" who cares then it’s their loss, not yours

29 Nov 1999

i seem to be a magnet for crazy people. i was talking to him about it. and he said something that kinda made sense..."A, you attract the crazies because you listen and you believe them." well then. you learn about people with all kinds of psychological orders in you abnormal psych classes but you never realize how many people around you have these same psychological disorders you spend the better part of your college career learning so much about. maybe he's right. maybe that's why i'm a good target. at least when i listen and believe them, i can actually help them too. but then it makes me wonder if i wanna deal with people and their issues. it makes me wonder if i'm strong enough to deal with a plethora or other people's stress. crazy i know. do i need to be crazy to help them, or will i become crazy in the event that i help. i was talking to my mom about some specific cases. i have to call them cases because if i don't I’ll become enveloped in their problems and take it too personally. my mom helps a lot of people with their problems and then usually she dumps it all on me...so i figured for once i should see what she'd do, because she does a good job of dealing with people's issues...so she says..."kid u need stop worrying about everyone, and worry about yourself. just because everyone has problems doesn't mean you need to be everyone's savior. live your life bea, help those you can, and those you can't refer them to the professionals...you can't consume yourself with other people's problems that's no life for anyone especially you." so between him and my mom, i figured hey, both of them are right....but if i'm supposed to help people. if that's my purpose. if i love people so much i wanna save them...mentally and physically...neurochemistry is where it's at. i guess what i need to do is prioritize. i'm not a professional. so i can listen and i can advise but i can't become consumed in people's stress and issues...because it'll prove fatal to me. if someone doesn't care about themselves enough to take my advice when they ask for it, i'm not going to care to advise them again. if someone thinks their life is not worth living, i can petition for their life but in the end if they don't care enough about themselves to move forward and upward and onward instead of letting the bumps stop them in their tracks, then why should i care. why should i bother. it's outta control. people take advantage of the fact that i care...in a positive way but also in very negative ways too. i'm tempted to just ignore everyone and go back to the time when i used to just worry about me...lol that was my sophomore year of college...one year of absolute bliss. that was def one of my best yrs. sad part is i missed helping people and caring about what happened to people. very short-lived indeed. but i think i have this crap in perspective now. thanks to mom and Luc. they're great. i should tell them more often instead of being a jerk to them. two pillars in my life what can i tell you. except take care of yourself, and remember in everything you do, you have to live with yourself. so get it right the first time. Amen.

01 Dec 1999

today i had two doctor's appointments. all i have to say is this s**t sucks. spending 4 hrs with doctors a day is not what i would like to do at all. i would much rather work or go to school or just anything other than that. EeK. i have to get my prescription, but i hurt too much to drive right now or even be in a car. sucks. not cool. so i had this EEG test oooooo so great. NEGATive. it's the first neurological test that gets done, and it is by far the worst thing ever. electroshock waves on the lower half of my body...OUCH...a needle poking me in the shin and flexing...well who makes up these modern day forms of torture. can't wait to be the practitioner and not the patient. it'll be totally great. went to the massage therapist. i feel like he's playing with my pain...like he says hello they have short conversation, laugh a little and then BAM he's done. lmao. then i get to be in pain...usually that middle and lower back area. and then all i can do is lay down from like 4 in the afternoon till the following day. totally sucks. with all this is mind. my so-called friends are giving me s**t about hanging out...i tell them i can't...they say i'm not keeping them up-to-date...are you kidding? hello i'm in pain, i'm not gonna call my entire list of so-called friends to let them know my back hurts in that same spot or my hands are numb or my head won't stop throbbing, or i fell during physics or my disability check won't be here for another month, or that i'm going back to work because i can't look at the white walls of my house anymore. and i'm freaking out about my bills. cause i don't wanna fall behind. and i don't have medical insurance so i have to pay hard cash for my medicine. and i don't wanna tell my mom because i feel like she's spending enough money now that i have close to NO money left in my account. well then. why do i have to call and tell people this crap. i could just write about it on my space and then they'll read the blogs if they care to know right? too bad only complete strangers read the blogs for inspiration or what have you. so how am i gonna disappointment these people who don't know me, by giving up when they're looking for some sheer sign of hope. People, people, people I’m not searching for a pity party so don't expect me to call you whining about the mishaps in my life. I don't complain. especially to those who can't help me. speaking of those who CAN or can't help...I must call Linda she is really the greatest person I’ve ever known. less my grandmother and mother respectively.

just a little experiment...u know true testing bla di dah...so I chose 3 people to beg. I wasn't looking for a loan, I wasn't looking for a gift...remember this it might come up again. but seriously I asked person 1...I needed money for a specific thing they offered minimal cash and a coupon...not what I was looking for...I asked person 2...they're really easy because well, because they ignored the fact that I asked...not what I was looking for indeed (I mean what kind of person ignores someone's need?)...and then I asked person 3...which to be honest I knew this was gonna go the way it did. so there really was no need for the experiment but hey I had to humor myself...so I asked person 3...and they said how much do u want...NO CAP...at least not according to those there words...not a the wealthiest person I know but still so....I got exactly what I was looking for...so I told person number 3 keep your money, I don't want it...my mom gives me money. this is great stuff...I gotta…

03 Dec 1999

woke up today. what have I been doing with my life. wasting it d****t. just wasting it on people who don't give a s**t. woe is me. I woke up today and realized I completely disregarded my goal chart after my accident and totally didn't do what I needed/wanted/had to do and I wasn't myself, so it really bugged me. I feel like I had a dark shadow covering me and I couldn't see where I needed to go...and now it's clear I feel like so many people have to be left behind and it's not something I want to do, because letting go isn't one of my talents. but neglecting myself and my needs are no longer an option. I need to be successful. I need to be out and about doing something worthwhile to not just myself but everyone around me...but I can't make it personal because making it personal screws it up...cause then u care what people think then you need to hear what they think....and that's no longer an option either. I didn't think it was possible to kill my spirit...but God knows she's close to death...and I’m keeping her on life support because I can't function without her. I need a pet. lol. I’m pretty sure that's what I need so I need to make the necessary arrangements so I can buy myself a saint Bernard and call him Georgie. I did some pt today, it was def necessary I’m def tired. and I’m def. going to bed early. I’m going to dedicate the next yr of my life to the arts. writing. drawing. painting. I need to function in my highest capacity. because mediocrity is not an option.

20 Dec 1999

I’m beginning to realize that my head's too big. my attitude sucks. I really don't give a s**t about people and their thoughts sometimes, and one more thing politicians have crazy power and I think I want some of that. josh is stressing me out indirectly today. cause he's not physically doing or saying anything to me, and that seems to be what's stressing me out. people don't understand Rhea. everyone tries to, or think they already do, but seriously only one person does, and everyone can learn a lot from this character or from me...I’m not that complicated. I want simple little things, I don't need stuff or big impressions...the small things matter to me...why? because I’ve seen the big stuff I live the big stuff I’m straight...my parents really hooked me up with the better part of life...so it's safe for me to say that I’m straight really, I don't need a millionaire or a rock star or a supermodel...although all three of those things seem really appealing I’ll get bored, I need REAL...that's what I need...my life was already painted by a surrealist, I need a realist's point of view. I have a funeral tomorrow. this has been the craziest year I’ve had in a long time, I can't deal with anymore bad news I think my mind's gonna give if it hears one more absurdity of this cycle we live in, just because I had my fill for this year. I swear to the most High that I cannot take another hit, because I just can't deal with it. too much on my brain. sucks when u expect someone to be there for you and then they're not. that's all I have to say...but that's why I’m me and you're you right? too tired to write anymore my brain's going on vacation please try again in 24 hrs for an update.

I’m beginning to realize that my head's too big. my attitude sucks. I really don't give a s**t about people and their thoughts sometimes, and one more thing politicians have crazy power and I think I want some of that. josh is stressing me out indirectly today. cause he's not physically doing or saying anything to me, and that seems to be what's stressing me out. people don't understand Rhea. everyone tries to, or think they already do, but seriously only one person does, and everyone can learn allot from this character or from me...I’m not that complicated. I want simple little things, I don't need stuff or big impressions...the small things matter to me...why? because I’ve seen the big stuff I live the big stuff I’m straight...my parents really hooked me up with the better part of life...so it's safe for me to say that I’m straight really, I don't need a millionaire or a rock star or a supermodel...although all three of those things seem really appealing I’ll get bored, I need REAL...that's what I need...my life was already painted by a surrealist, I need a realist's point of view. I have a funeral tomorrow. this has been the craziest year I’ve had in a long time, I can't deal with anymore bad news I think my mind's gonna give if it hears one more absurdity of this cycle we live in, just because I had my fill for this year. I swear to the most High that I cannot take another hit, because I just can't deal with it. too much on my brain. sucks when u expect someone to be there for you and then they're not. that's all I have to say...but that's why I’m me and you're you right? too tired to write anymore my brain's going on vacation please try again in 24 hrs for an update.

 

25 Dec 1999

I am having the worst holiday season. life's a beast sometimes, but we gotta keep on keeping on. I dunno now's not the time to be sad and frustrated but seems to me like I am. I love my family so much. I gotta get my s**t done so I can really be my mom's dream, like she said I was. this year has been such a long year, despite the speed at which it happened. this year love was a failure, yet again. ha-ha. I didn't expect anymore so I’m good. my mommy's getting me my new laptop YES. my mom's good to us...we totally need to get it together every last one of us. I think I’m gonna change my look again. I have to talk to Anthony. and J. mostly J though...we gotta straighten out some things. everyone hides behind their elaborate vocabulary, like it's a contest...we just need to be true to ourselves. amen. any who life's good. I’m not stressing people anymore. some people just don't deserve to know me. so I’m not going to bother. life's totally good. and it's gonna get better with time.
merry Christmas. buon natale. feliz navidad.
god bless u all

07 Jan 2000

I feel like I’ve changed a lot since high school. for the better too...the parents were worried that when I moved from under their umbrella of protection I’d forget who I was and where I came from...but here I am...different but yet the same. I’m graduating at the end of this year...I can't wait. lsats in June...I’m gonna kill it, I can't even begin to express my gratitude to my family for being behind every decision I made in the past 4 years even though, it wasn't what they expected of me...being a neurologist was all I wanted to do...but I could do allot more with the path that was already chosen for me...since I was a child...since I was 3 I knew what I was supposed to be...and then I fixated myself on what I wanted to be and almost lost myself to something I really am not. hence my decision. my parents are pleased. the people that matter are pleased...so everyone else can stop and stare in awe...I know who I am. I know what's expected of me...I know what I expect of myself.
my mom and I were talking about dating and marriage yesterday...eek. it occurred to me the only person I ever wanted to marry I’ve never even dated in that there sense of the word. I know him. he knows me. we fight about stupid s**t all the time which always seems to be my fault but I’m not gonna take the full responsibility. people are so confused about who they are and what they want usually that I’m convinced that this is what it is and how it must be and I can't help but say to myself...it is so. I’m on my way you know I’m on my way...and something tells me if I don't marry this guy...I just won't marry. and it's strange for me to be as such...that's what momma dukes said anyway, knowing where I came from and the women I represent everyday...but then it makes sense. because despite their multiple marriages etc...they are by far some of the most independent human beings that have ever been born to this land we call Earth. people think I’m crazy for not dating...but I can't be with someone if I can't trust them and I can't link myself to just anyone...I can't. I’m committed to myself and my needs in this here life so I can't kill my needs for someone else's wants...no one understands except him. but we've come to a stand still. our walls are up. our guards in formation. and so I say enough....

18 Jan 2000

life has been quite wonderful to me. the ups and downs have molded me. and this new year is going so well I can't help but thank God for all the blessings I have received and will continue to receive now until the hour of my death. well this is not like the usual blogs that's for sure. I’m watching Poseidon. I just watched fantastic four...so good. I love good movies. any who I’m straying...which means this is like every other blog I wrote right? you needn't lie. besides I don't like liars remember. liars have a negative effect on me, when I realize they're lying. care to know what it is? truth is I try to out-lie them...which sadly worked to well...and I hate that u know I hate that. so I decided no more liars...if you’re my friend or acquaintance or whatever our paths crossed bla di freaking da...and you lied...i know u did. even if u think there's no way i could know...i know. i'm sorry i'm tired of pretending to not know...so please give it up for my sake if u ever cared about ms ralph just once in ur life...stop. and so i woke up yesterday and realized how insane life was and how much i'd changed we'd changed. and i wasn't terrified. i was ready to jump in head first. without a single thought to whether or not either of us was ready for where we were going...and then i smiled because i remembered this time a year ago when i too terrified to commit to dinner plans and i smiled some more because i realized how much i'd grown, we'd grown and i wasn't terrified anymore. i know who i am when i'm alone and i know who i am when i'm with you...i'm the same person. Rhea the great. if you will. no one understood it when it started, i don't even think we did. i don't think we understand it today. in solo we've tried to make sense of it...and neither of us can make a substantial argument as to why or why not...so i posed this question then and then and then and then...who's gonna rescue us from ourselves?...and i got the answer. yesterday i woke up and i got the answer. yea i got the answer. and i know we're gonna be okay. why...i loved you then. i love you now. and I’ll love you for an eternity. God's good. that's why i told him about u cause i knew you were good too…and know what he said? He said...he said he already knew

02 Feb 2000

i'm so bored. i'm sad too. i dunno it's weird. it might be my lack of sleep. i dunno. i'm tired as hell. but i can't deal with this crap. i have a frickin headache. why do people annoy me so much. God i wish i knew why i was so cranky sometimes. i guess i feel like a part of me is missing too. i wrote a poem for him, about him, in creative writing. i know i'm gonna write a book about him one day because he makes it so hard not too. i wanted to call him and pour my heart out about all sorts of things. about memories we have together. about his family. about a lot of what i really can't even write down, because it was ours, our memories. but then i couldn't. because i didn't want to bother him or his life...sometimes i wish he hadn't bothered me or my life and perhaps i wouldn't spend times like this one reminiscing about him or us or what we were like because he's just hurt me incessantly without a care for my feelings, like i didn't matter but then he expected everything to be ok when he kissed me or said i love you, and it bothers me to this day, because i can't seem to grasp why anyone would treat someone like me, that way. i guess that's what growing up is all about...that whole weed out process where u hope you learn from your [hopefully] infrequent mistakes and you don't repeat them...and i guess i should be grateful for my mom and dad and what they taught me about love and self-respect and respect for others and their own feelings, yet still remaining true to myself. that's a good look.

 

03 Feb 2000

i was talking to my momma earlier today before this melancholy really set in, and she was just talking about when she was my age and how much crap she had to deal with namely being a young single mother separated from her firstborn's father for whatever reason, and just struggling and trying to make it on her own, then she talked about reading articles my papa wrote in the local paper, before she even dreamt of having a second child or being in another relationship in every sense of the word, and it was funny she said, because never in a million years did she think dad was gonna be that there guy...and then one day she met him, and she was so sure he was the one and bla di freaking da they were together for 7 years before i was conceived feb.14...and then it was still perfect though, his parents were saying i wasn't his child because i was too White, lmfao, and my eyes were too chinky, and sure there were always the rumors of my mother's plethora of affairs that everyone talked about but no one would dare go on the record, but they held true to themselves and their love, until she got scared one day when she heard he was cheating, and just decided to up and leave him...terrified of losing face, she just packed her bags and flew off to NY on a vacay that turned into a 17 yr escape outlet for her, and tho she still loves him she's pretty she did the right thing, and it just brought tears into my eyes to see that after so many years apart she still had this intensified love and/or lust for a man she hadn't been with for more than fifteen years. and i knew my dad felt the same, because i remember the way his eyes would light up whenever he controlled a conversation between us about my mom, and i wondered if that's how i was going to end up, scared running and in love, and i guess that's i became so melancholy because, i never quite understood why anyone would want to leave the person they loved the most for fear of the unknown, and i didn't want to end up like that. of course i thought about j and the bullshit we pull on each other and it really bugged me, because my spirit just won't let me give up this ghost that everyone keeps telling me i need to but i can't. yesterday i found a cd among my things at work, so i checked the data on it, and it had so much stuff: poetry, emails, aim conversations (weird i know, can't really explain that one)...i dunno everything, and i just read and read and read, and thought to myself, this stuff was really good, and we should a script written about us, because it would be so wonderful...because our lives are so inspiring among other things, and i thought about my creative writing class, and all the stuff i'm supposed to create and i know i'm probably going to just write about him, and me, and us for this entire semester and tho i'm not sure it's wise. it's what i want to do. nobody wants to face the truth, but u won’t believe what love can do till it happens to u...the artist…just emulates my thoughts in her songs and her poetry, and i wonder if perhaps she had her own J, who just made her feel so creative all the time...like me and my painting and drawings and poetry and prose and blogs and dancing and i say enough…

Author's Note

well tell me what you think...you really get into Rhea's state of mind...p.s. let me know if any character names don't match...

Reviews

[Aube Ralph]

this chapter might very well be misplaced in the book...i'll revisit it's location or i'll go back beef up 5...