The City

Ch. 8

          I left the island. Moving away was the best thing that I could’ve done for myself. I had a full-time job waiting for me as well as my freelance graphic design. I lived in Staten Island, but my heart was in Soho.

For eighteen hours every day, Monday through Friday I lived and breathed Soho. My new pixie haircut threw off most of the new people I met. Was I lesbian? Was I bisexual? I was a different person there.

Dana opted out of moving with me. I made a new friend. Lola. She worked with me. I was her boss, but it always felt like the other way around. I remember her interactions with clients as they tried to return clothing they’d obviously worn already.

-No sir.

-What do you mean I can’t?

-Sir I’m sorry but you can’t wear a shirt leave your deodorant flakes in it and try to return it.

-This is an outrage

-Well I can’t help you. You have a great day Sir!

She was our best LP person. Lola didn’t give two rats who the client was and how much they spent, they couldn’t return worn merchandise and she made sure of it.

            I remember the soirees…wait there were no soirees whatsoever. We were both workaholics. I met her friends. One of them, Ewan, was definitely intrigued and so was I…but he was leaving shortly after I met him. We swapped info but it seemed absurd since he was going to be three thousand miles away. For a while it seemed like now that I was ready to date everyone I became remotely interested in was either unavailable or leaving.

            I threw myself into work even more and focused on increasing my freelance business. Then Luc called. He always had a way of calling when I enveloped myself in my little world and didn’t make room in it or time for anyone else or anything, except him. He was getting ready for league soccer. I loved watching him play, so he wanted me to know his matches would be on Sundays at six for about 12 weeks and then there’d be a championship which he’d be in because he was so good. I agreed to show.

            For the next twelve weeks I trekked out to Long Island every weekend to watch him play. Luc was amazing. I thought he’d be good but not as great as he was. I was thoroughly impressed so I photographed and filmed some of his matches for my freelance portfolio. His team won. He gave me his championship shirt. I accepted.

            My reason for going to the island ended and I continued my new life in Soho. I met so many great people, a local world-renowned haberdasher, the owner for a dance studio, and a real estate lawyer were among my favorites. I did some side jobs for the haberdasher which were very lucrative ranging from $350-$500 a day including breakfast, lunch, and dinner. She was by far one of the classiest women I ever met less her tendency to curse like a sailor when double-crossed in business affairs. Ms. Betty Booker, crazy as she was, reminded me of everything successful that I both desired and despised. I couldn’t become her.

            I remember after spending entire weekends at her loft creating this and that for her shows. As intrigued as I was, I needed my own life, a life which lacked her. School; I registered for the fall semester at Hunter. The city, as frightening as it was, sucked me in. I couldn’t imagine being educated anywhere else, let alone, living anywhere else. The constant reminder of Utah and Luc was the only memento of my other self. The girl who lay hidden inside of my new found identity.

_

            How could I possibly give this new life up? As much as I loved him, I seemed more important. I began to understand the reason why it’s better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all…it broke my heart thinking on it, wondering if and when, it would be possible. It being us, and us being Luc and myself—oh how I wanted him the more as I studied the scientific laws of attractions, and I thought of our own magnanimous mirroring of each other; and missed him all the more.

            He knew what I wanted hundreds of miles away, and gave it to me. My heart would ask a question that I’d fear to ask, and his lips would generously answer in the manner I desired without as much of a clue from my own lips. Was it fate? I’d convinced myself in the first couple weeks of our friendship—affair—but I constantly asked myself the question.

            He kept me wanting him. He’d sing.

Luc was so confused that he made it impossible for us to even have a conversation without becoming infuriated with each other.  I remember my last doctor’s appointment on the island. How I wished I had dreamt the moment we had, that my memory was skewed. I dreaded going back to the island. It meant contact. I needed to tie up a few loose ends but the thought alone paralyzed me. My folks were out of town. He was the only person available to get me at the station.

Hey how are you.

Great now that you’re here.

You’re too kind to me sometimes. I’m glad to see you too.

I had hoped that he wouldn’t be so nice. It had been weeks. Why couldn’t he just say something sardonic to piss me off? Andre 3000 sang in the background as we gazed at each other searching for the right thing to say to break the silence. “I hope that you’re the one. If not, you are the prototype…”

            Why’d he need to play this track? He knew I loved this track. I played with my class ring, trying desperately to cover my nervous shaking.

So how’s the city treating you, Rhea?

I love it, perfect fit.

Do you ever think about Utah?

Sometimes, but it seems a lost cause no?

You don’t really believe that…

How are you Luc?

I’m sorry.

Oh my god, don’t be sorry for anything. No regrets ever, remember?

Did you want to grab a bit to eat?

Maybe, what’d you have in mind?

Our diner…

Sure.

            I’d never felt so used up emotionally as I did during our forced conversation. He pulled into the parking lot of our diner, the lights were on, but the doors were locked. No diner after all. He looked at me searching my face, reading my every movement. I turned around and stalked back to the car. He got in.

Could you take me home now?

Yeah.

Maybe we can grab lunch tomorrow?

Yeah, that’d be great.

I felt like a rock was sitting in my gut. Were we supposed to spend time with each other, knowing our history? He pulled into my driveway. The house was black. As I reached for the door to let myself out of his car, he grabbed my left hand. I stayed.

I wish I could take back some of…

No regrets, remember?

Why won’t you let me apologize for hurting you?

I’ve given you everything I’ve got. I’ve proved myself, my love, to you and more. It seems futile…

I love you.

            The first person outside of my family and friends who dared say it was he. So overcome with giddy and desire, I hastily responded, professing my own ardor for him and kissed him. What was happening? I was surprised, happy, sad, confused; a rush of mixed feelings enveloped me as I lay awake looking at the ceiling of my childhood bedroom. Did he really? Where was it going?

The first night in my life since early adolescence that I slept through the night, I didn’t stir once. He loved me. The streaks of sunlight sifting through the blinds forced me to wake. And I remembered the night before, in my mother’s driveway, I smiled. Did I dream it?  

            I couldn’t wait to see him. Would he say it again today? Andre 3000’s track repeated in my head “I hope that you’re the one. If not you are the prototype…” I turned on the kettle to make myself a big cup of green tea. There was a note on the dining table.

Hello Rhea

            We’ve run off to PA for the week. I tried calling you but you never answer our calls. The fridge is stocked. I trust there won’t be any parties. See you soon.

Love,

Mum.

Good. I didn’t have to deal with the awkwardness from my months of isolation. Luckily my Saab was still in the garage, she still didn’t find a buyer. I sipped on my green tea as I thought about Luc, and what he’d said. S**t! How could I have fallen for that? My original feelings about being on the island returned. I was dreading lunch. Would he even show? I grabbed my keys and hustled out as I took a quick glance at the grandfather clock, it was 11am. My appointment was in 15 minutes; luckily it was just for a referral.

            My cell phone rang as I turned the key in the ignition. It was Luc. Was he cancelling? I picked up.

Hey.

I’m great, just heading to the doctor’s office, how are you?

Good. Yes I’m still on for lunch.

I’ll be back by 1ish.

Great, see you then.

Was he working on his predictability, because I was certain he’d cancel? S**t. I pulled out of the driveway and headed to my appointment. I got my referral from the Nurse Practitioner and left.

            At one o’ clock his accord pulled into the driveway. I was ready. I grabbed my keys and wallet and met him in the middle of the driveway. After a quick hug we hopped in the car.

You slept well last night?

Oh my God, yes for the first time in a long time.

Good. How’d your appointment go?

I got my referral. Where are we going?

The diner…

Good. So are we going to talk about last night?

What about it?

You said you loved me…

Oh, that?

So what does it mean?

  He just kept on driving like I hadn’t asked him a really serious question. I couldn’t deal with his game. I quickly began to open the door of his car so I could get out of the embarrassment I was about to face. He stopped the car.

What the hell are you doing Rhea?

I’m so tired of your freaking games; I can’t deal with this right now.

What games? I told you I loved you, what do you want?

I want to know what it means, you can’t just say you love someone, kiss them back when they kiss you, and then pretend that everything’s the same. S**t!

            I could feel the tears streaming down my face. I didn’t ask him to love me. Why’d he say it if he didn’t want to go any further than that? And now I was crying because I let him get to me.

Rhea you need to calm down.

I am calm d****t! You’re breaking my heart and telling me to calm down?

Hun, let’s just get lunch and talk then, please, I just don’t wanna mess this up.

I sat silently for the remainder of our ride to the diner. He parked, opened my door, set the alarm, and we walked into the diner.

A table for two please

The sound of his voice irritated me. We sat. He ordered for both of us. I hated when he did that. I was having ham and Swiss on rye and lemonade, and he was having the same. Then he spoke to me.

Rhea I really care about you. I hope you didn’t misunderstand what I meant when I said that I loved you. I meant it in a friendly way…

…why the hell did you kiss me back then?

I thought that’s what you wanted and I didn’t want to hurt you.

So hurting me seemed fine today?

Rhea, please…

Please what? I don’t understand why anyone would tell someone they loved them to Prototype, oh my God, you know how much I love that song, you, and the whole idea of us being together, and you’d play with me like that?

You’re right. I’m sorry.

 So was I. I felt like such a fool. I wanted to go home, but I was stuck with him. Our food came. I refused to eat or drink anything. He paid. We left. I wanted to punch him. I wanted to…he dropped me off. I was so distraught. He took it back.

Author's Note

hmmmm...bring it!