Chapter Three: Already Gone

Chapter Three: Already Gone

A Chapter by Lettie
"

All of the sudden the pain stop; it was like someone put everything on hold and I felt nothing.

"
  They say that just before you take your last breathe in this world your whole life flashes before your eyes. Well, that really didn’t happen to me.

                When I touched that black stone and everything turned into darkness, I couldn’t see anything except the shadows, but I could feel. My whole body was burning, as if it was on fire and it literally felt like I was dying. I couldn’t hear or spell anything, but there was the feeling that someone or something was watching me.

 Besides the fact that my body was in flames around me it was cold. Actually, it was quiet a horrible experience being on fire and having ice try to break through the flames causing a great deal of pain. This is why I knew I was dead. There was no other plausible reason for it, except the fact that I didn’t think I would be sent to Hell, because that must be where I was, in Hell, since I believe that Heaven would not be this terrible.

All of the sudden the pain stop; it was like someone put everything on hold and I felt nothing. I couldn’t feel, move, or see anything. In fact, I didn’t even know if I was breathing or not. Slowly I moved my leg, and yes it did work. Struggling to get up, I looked around carefully. My whole body felt weak and it hurt to breathe.

I soon realized that I wasn’t left in the pitch blackness, but it only seemed that way because my eyes were close. Stupid, stupid me. After a couple of blinks I realized that I was in the forest next to the Bloom stream where I died… or maybe I didn’t die? “Of course I died,” I reminded myself grimly. There was no other explanation for it, but maybe I really did go to Heaven.

I pinched myself and I tried not to cry out in pain. Any other time, that would not have hurt, but I was so frail at the moment little things like moving a limb caused a great deal of hurting. Like a stab running through your chest hurting. It was becoming more convinced that I wasn’t actually dead, because of the fact that in Heaven I was told you didn’t feel any pain.

Usually, I didn’t like to admit defeat; heck I use to laugh at death in the face, but I knew now that I wasn’t going to win. If I wasn’t dead, I would be soon. My hunger and thirst were so overwhelming, it made me wonder how long I was actually out. My head throbbed as I tried to figure out what had actually happened.

A small movement next to my stomach brought me back into reality. Something was pushed up against me that I didn’t realize from before, since all I could feel was the soreness I was in. I soon apprehended that my hand was on the bringer of the movement, and it was rather solid and warm.

Bring myself to look down; even in the dead of night I could clearly see what I was touching. It was a small creature, as that blend in with the darkness around it. The being had tiny four legs, and feet with razor sharp talons to match them. The creature had a very long tail, with small shiny spikes lining it. It has a short snot and large eyes of pale emerald that evenly stared back at me. The thing even had little black wings that reminded me of a bat. A scream was stuck in my throat.

I trashed backwards trying to get away from the creature, but only made it a couple of inches before withering in pain on the icy ground. I laid on my back, whimpering in ache and fear. I won’t deny I was scared terrified even, but even if I came out alive, I wasn’t going to tell anyone that Gwendolyn Sawyer was ever in dead terror. No, I still had a reputation to keep up; the one where everyone thought that Gwen ate horror for breakfast and laughed at her nightmare asking, “You got anything better?” Now, who was I to deny the rumors that spread through the backwoods of Bloom like wildfire?

The heavy thud on my stomach told me the creature was here to finish me of. It wobbled a little, walking up my body, until it was able to look down at me. I couldn’t scream or cry or anything of that matter. All I could do was stare equally at the being and accept my fate calmly.

Then the creature did something I wasn’t planning on it ever doing. It opened it little mouth and made a lope sided smile. It’s teeth were petite, but looked sharply-edge like it could cut through my skin, like a hot knife cutting at butter, but oddly, I was no longer scared. There was something comforting about the creature’s wannabe smile. I even smiled back for a second before I sobbed in the pain it transported to me.

The creature stared at me, confusion written in it’s bright green eyes. Then, the creature bent down and softly touched his snot to my cheek. It was hot, like a ray of sunshine and tender. Rapidly the pain that I felt from before vanished and was replaced with warmth. The creature made a quiet ‘hur-ing’ noise and I could sense it’s tongue on my cheek.

                Gradually, I closed my eyes feeling improved and safe.



© 2010 Lettie


Author's Note

Lettie
Sorry it took me so long to post this, I have been super busy. I edited chapters one and two, so they are all updated. Hope you enjoy :]]

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Reviews

...... Um.... Eragon much?

Posted 10 Years Ago


I like it. Its a bit like eragon, with a girl. and written differently and stuff. nice.

Posted 10 Years Ago


A good chapter, it didn't seem to flow quite as well as the other chapters, but it was a good chapter all the same!

Posted 10 Years Ago


This is again an interesting chapter.
I have a feeling that you've written it in a hurry, because it's kind of disjointed and doesn't flow as smoothly as your previous chapters. There are also a few typo's here and there.

"They say that just before you take your last breathe in this world your whole life flashes before your eyes. Well, that really didn’t happen to me."
--> This is a good hook, although somewhat often used.

"Actually, it was quiet a horrible experience being on fire and having ice try to break through the flames causing a great deal of pain."
--> I find this sentence confusing. It doesn't give the reader any information of what really happened to her, where she was, or even what she actually felt (you use too vague words like "a great deal of pain".

"There was no other explanation for it, but maybe I really did go to Heaven."
--> A few sentences before, she was convinced that she was in Hell, and now she thinks she was in Heaven. This change is too abrupt, without any information in between to explain the change.

In many places, she keeps correcting herself that it feels awkward.
Examples:
"I soon realized that I wasn’t left in the pitch blackness, but it only seemed that way because my eyes were close."
"Any other time, that would not have hurt, but I was so frail at the moment little things like moving a limb caused a great deal of hurting."
"Something was pushed up against me that I didn’t realize from before, since all I could feel was the soreness I was in."

Maybe because there are too many of them that it became a bit annoying. I'd suggest rewriting (at least some of) these sentences.

"Gradually, I closed my eyes feeling improved and safe."
--> This is not a good way to end a chapter, because it doesn't intrigue your reader to read on. It's like "okay, conflict solved, story's over."

You also spend too many paragraphs explaining her pain and lack of pain (again without any explanation why, not even until the end of the chapter) instead of describing the environment, or building up the suspense.

Overall, the story is good and cute. I hope my review will help you to make it better. Good luck further!

Posted 10 Years Ago


"confusion written in it’s green bright green eyes" In this sentence you should probably take out the green that is before bright. Repeating words can get annoying from time to time. Other then that this is a great chapter.

Posted 10 Years Ago


this chapter is really good i loved it you are a great writer

Posted 10 Years Ago



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Added on May 16, 2010
Last Updated on May 19, 2010
Tags: gwen, deagon, dragon rider


Author

Lettie
Lettie

Wonderland, WI



About
"Nobody important". Blimey, that's amazing. D'you know, in 900 years of time and space I've never met anyone who wasn't important before.;; I'm a girl to start out with, fifteen years young, but do.. more..

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Ashes, Ashes Ashes, Ashes

A Book by Lettie



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