To the Temple!

It's how her journey begins

As the woods howl with sounds of marching feet, I jump through the trees as nimble as a monkey. When an arrow shoots past my head I move faster. Suddenly something small enters my leg. I pause and see a dart in my leg. I don’t want to be caught so I climb into branches too thin to hold a grown man’s or even a lanky teen’s weight, before tying myself to the tree. Then I let sleep over take me.

When I lay on the ground under the stars with my sisters I sigh with happiness. Then the woods are filled with the shrieks of the Morrigan’s crows. Two of my sisters are dead, their bodies riddled with arrows and crows pecked their eyes! Sammy climbs with me but as we leap, she suddenly falls as an arrow knocks her into Morrigan’s clutches. I move faster, fast enough that no arrow can target me, no bird can stop me, then the wolves appear, I jerk and change direction to fast for them to notice. Then I...

I wake up, and see I’m still in my tree though the soldiers are camped under me. I move so quiet and smoothly no leaf rustled, and no branch creaks. Then I resume my flee to the temple realm where no soldier dare enter for fear of the Gods and Goddesses striking them dead. I speed up when I hear the soldiers waking- I’m not far enough yet- and get to the temple realm right as I hear them scream in outrage. But it’s too late, for the temples’ keepers have taken me into the temple to the goddess of healing and are helping me to get better. I sigh as I feel the wound on my leg heal and the scrapes from tree bark on my feet soften into new skin. Then I hear a question “Young One of the trees how will you repay the goddess for her kindness, servanthood in her temple for two years or Will you travel to the sky realms and help her for two weeks” I think it over because the journey to the sky realms are dangerous and deadly. Then I thought of what would  work better, being a slave, that is safe, or having the risk of being killed, and serving the goddess for eternity in death. “I’ll journey to the sky realms” The keepers looked surprised because of the fact that I looked to be about 8 years old, though I was 13. “Are you sure Young One, it would be safer for you to work here”, I nod “It’s the summer cycle that I find my place in life” They gasp “you look to be of 8 summer cycles!” I shrug and say “I’m small for my age, in fact my younger sister- May her soul stay together-looked older than me” they bow their heads in honor of Sammy, when I mention the ‘may her soul stay together’. They request “How did she leave the grasp of life” I reply “The arrow of a soldier took her by the leg and dragged her from sky to earth, she was only 5 summers old, though she had the wisdom of 30 years” they growl and say “anyone of less than 15 summers should not be dragged to death, did anyone else from your family perish”? I nod “My older sisters Ellie and Taylora of 14 summers each, were taken as they prepared to enter the dream world” With this the temple keepers became angry. Before I left they created a pack and gave it to me to use on my journey. I ask if when I return if I can serve the goddess Andraste, of the moon, divination, and rabbit magic. They decide to allow it and I set off on my journey.

Author's Note

Please excuse grammer, I'm just starting out, and thanks for reviews! Be honest, but be constructive! Thank you!

Reviews

[Ferir]

I feel this emotional connection with a protagonist right away. It seems like I am already in the story. First paragraph is really well done. Quick and descriptive.
And again, a reader does not know anything about sisters, but the fact of this connection I felt sorry. I felt this emotion to lose members of a family due to war or another conflict. Very very nicely done out there.
Absolutely, I can't deny that it was the quickest first chapter that I've ever read. I am sort of a very descriptive writer. I tend to write a lot, mostly out of my mind. What I see here, is that you are pointing out only canvas. He said that, She said that, He said that, I said that, She told me to do that, I said that. It is good at the most parts, but in my very very very honest opinion, I would rather have included more of actions, and a lil' bit more descriptions.
Overall: Very engaging and enthusiastic.
Rank - 90/100

[Jenig]

I see real potential for a good, descriptive action story. However, I am distracted by a few things as I read, for example: First off, I found myself thinking, "marching feet don't sound like a howl." Also, you've mentioned that he felt something in his leg, so you wouldn't have to mention "leg" in the next sentence. Saying "it" would suffice, but describing with "...a dart in my calf" or "...sticking out of my thigh" would lend good imagery. The piece reads like someone telling a dream as quickly as they can so they won't forget it. If you create some paragraphs and elaborate on somethings, like mentioning his age nearer the beginning, (I was imagining someone older until you mentioned it), and describing the temple workers to some degree, it would be easier to read. I could go on, but it looks as though you have a good foundation to continue refining your writing little by little. This is only the first of yours I've read. In fact it's the first of any on this site that I've read. Thank you for sharing.