Now Rent

Instead, of time, I gave, you mine.

With tears, you laughed, then cried.

I watched, you leave, then sighed.

Instinct, rose fast, your arm, I grabbed.

Your soul, sees me, yes me.

No words, just hugs, together, we clung.

Wild hearts, now tame, foresee.

Love's roots, grow deep, differences, now shrink.

Together, we stand, and bend.

Two hearts, now one, real life, has begun.

Each kiss, a gift, to mend.

Last day, too soon, whirlwind, of loss.

Tears fell, then pain, spilt wine.

One heart, two beats, now rent.

Instead, of mine, I need, more time.

Reviews

[Chris Shaw]

A journey of love with all its struggles and triumphs. A lovely poem filled with much emotion. I read several times Cherrie, preferring to ignore the punctuation, and pause where I wanted to. It worked much better for me that way.

Chris

[Cherrie Palmer]

I'm so glad I do the same our own rhythm setting the cadence.

[Rania M]

Love this beautiful poem.

[Cherrie Palmer]

Thank you, Rania dear very much.

[Coyote Poetry]

Very nice use of words. You create dear Cherrie, a tale of love. You allowed the reader to feel the struggle and led to the strong ending. Thank you for sharing the amazing poetry.
Coyote

[Cherrie Palmer]

Thank you. I've been reading Emily's poems and wanted to try something a little different. I'm glad you enjoyed it.

[Einstein Noodle]

really like the turn with "time" in your closing .. not a fan of puncuation, my friend, but once i accepted those commas ... the pace was perfect for me .. dramatic pausing in rhythm with two hearts becoming one .. V3 L2 "........... and bend" ... i love the image and intimacy this committed relationship has become .. like dancers in tight "hold" position moving so gracefully .. love it! V4 L2 i think you mean "spilt" ;) humans don't have to life too terribly long to suffer the loss of loved ones ... but loosing ones mate is most horrific says i! no fun at all :( beautiful poem ma'am! even in its pain
E.

[Cherrie Palmer]

I'm sporting a couple of cataracts for awhile and I seem to be missing boo boos. :) so thank you and the wine is now spilt.
The verdict is still out on the commas.

[Cherrie Palmer]

May hit alittle to close to home. Thank you for reading this one.

[Einstein Noodle]

its beautiful .. i wouldn't change it .. using them in such a way demands the attention needed .. i like it the way it is ... ;)

[jacob erin-cilberto]

one heart, two beats and a very interesting piece here in how it is presented.
It dances with the stops...
all the pauses for emphasis and then the slight pauses at the end of the lines.
feels like it is doing the jitterbug....I like that.
we owned a love, now I just rent half...since you moved out...either by choice or a passing.
I would love to hear Emily read this....she was so into the slant rhyme, the odd pauses, the dashes...
violating form...I think she would like this.
j.

[Cherrie Palmer]

I did a little reading first before writing. I still may make a change or two. I just can't decide. I wanted to over emphasize the cadence. The idea was there in my head. I'm glad you can see and hear the connection.

[W. Barrett Munn]

If you decide you can always undecide

[William Michael Reeves]

This is different. Not the poem. The punctuation. And again, something I was just studying comes up in something I read. Hang on a sec....I'm going to go read it again. Ok. Read it trying to ignore the punctuation. I love the poem but feel like half that punctuation wants to go. For example;

Each kiss, a gift, to mend reads so much better as Each kiss, a gift to mend. I think every line is like that. There was a good pause in each, but only one. I don't mean to pick it apart but we've been reading each other enough I feel I can. This was the perfect example to go with the lesson I just read. The poem is great! I hope you read the same thing I do letting it pause naturally.

[William Michael Reeves]

Maybe some lines want 2 pauses. I just read your soul, sees mine, yes, mine. Wanting to go your soul sees mine, yes, mine.

[William Michael Reeves]

That was wrong. Sees me, yes, me. Obviously I can't see what I'm reading to save my soul!!

[Cherrie Palmer]

Later I will edit the punctuation but I'm not done revising.
It is supposed to Use : a b c b where the 1st and the 3rd are iambic with 4 beats and the 2 and 4th trimesters with 3.

[William Michael Reeves]

Is that a particular form? Or are you just creating an exercise in meter to challenge yourself? Very interesting. I hope you see what I mean about the punctuation. Not just being critical but felt it ruined a good poem. But I see what you were trying to do. Almost gallop through the poem with the horse doing that weird dance thing I've seen. Legs up and down sharply. Doubly interesting that I've been studying and came across this.

[William Michael Reeves]

Just had another thought. Read it again using the punctuation and it almost sang itself. Like the halt made my mind read the phrasing in different notes. Dee do, dee do, dee dup, dee dup. I almost liked it this time. Hmmmm

[William Michael Reeves]

I was thinking....assuming you even care what I think, that I know what strikes me wrong about this. Your poem is good. And the punctuation idea is kinda good too. But the subject of this poem is too serious for the punctuation. I think it would be interesting if the poem was funny or bizarre. Maybe when you open the door with the key and discover what's in there. Or the apocalypse is caused by zombie puppies. I just reviewed someone with a poem and tried to use what I'm learning about punctuation and grammer. Already seeing things I want to change. Periods of comma-tose tilde ellipses questionable exclamations from my colon! Yikes!!

[Cherrie Palmer]

Hello Bill
:) I appreciate your opinion and eye.

[duff]

There is an attitude and beat that makes me grin. The attitude makes it. Maybe its just me but there is a sense of retribution. Great writing.

[Cherrie Palmer]

It diffently has its own sense of direction and beat. And I'm so glad you can hear it.

[JE Falcon]

Too sad for this male, and the dashes (?). but the visions are clear. Nice job.

[Cherrie Palmer]

I meant to take the dashes out. They were holding my beats. I'm not sure I'm done with this one yet.

[JE Falcon]

You'll know when it's done. --- I've changed many of mine, with suggestions, and time changes, I've changed some as many as seven times. :)

[Cherrie Palmer]

Same here:)

[W. Barrett Munn]

Cherrie,
I like this one but am wondering what it might be using punctuation and caesura rather than the dashes, and perhaps altering line endings?

[Cherrie Palmer]

It is supposed to Use : a b c b where the 1st and the 3rd are iambic with 4 beats and the 2 and 4th trimesters with 3.

[W. Barrett Munn]

Ballad, then. I like that rhythm. It is what Emily Dickinson used.

[Cherrie Palmer]

My humble offering at best but yes.

[Cherrie Palmer]

Not my strong suit but I like to give it a go.

[M. J. Smith]

A very different poem for you. I had to read it twice. It was Niel Sedaka who sang Breakin' Up Is Hard To Do. This poem illustrates that quite well. Wild hearts now tamed... Never! It is the wildness that attracts. Well written, Miss Cherrie.

[Cherrie Palmer]

Attempting something alittle different. Not sure I like it yet.