Chapter XV

Reunited with Rose, Rafe slowly comes to grips with what's happened to him and what he's lost. Through her patience and his lack thereof - they move on.

Chapter XV

Recovery

 

“I know it only hurts when your eyes are open.

Lies get tossed and truth is spoken.

It only hurts when that door gets open.

Dreams are lost. Hearts are broken.”

-      It Only Hurts by Default   

 

The rain started pouring.

     I sat there on my knees, soaked to the bone, unable to move for the longest time. Even when I slipped in and out of awareness, I didn’t care about the slow feeling of my body getting colder. It was the only thing I was willing to focus on. My mind seemed to reject everything else. Eyes glued to the blackened rubble in the bottom of the valley, my ears heard nothing but the rain, my body only felt the cold, and my mouth was completely dry. I clung to the rain for dear life. It was the only salvation I had right now.

     My home was gone. Just like that, everything I had ever loved was all made up in a black pile of ash and scorched wood. I couldn’t even consider processing the thought that my family might be dead inside that wood pile. I didn’t want to contemplate that at all. I tried to think or feel �" knowing somewhere in the vaguest recesses of my mind that I’d get sick if I didn’t get to some kind of shelter but I didn’t care. I couldn’t bring myself to care about the fact that I’d get sick with pneumonia and die out here.

     The only mother or father I’d ever known before in my life were probably dead. The only siblings I’d ever had were gone. I didn’t care about anything. I couldn’t.

     My body rocked suddenly and I finally became aware of the fact that someone was saying my name, arms wrapped around my shoulders and head pressed tightly against the back of my shoulders. It took a few minutes to realize that it was Rose, clinging to me and repeatedly saying, “I’m so sorry.” She just sat there next to me on her knees in the mud, staining her pretty purple dress, and clung to me. Half of me wanted to push her away but the rest of me didn’t have the heart to do it. I could hear her sobbing softly in my ear. I almost laughed. She hardly knew me, Durza, Beth, Derek, or Ana and yet she was crying for them, and for me. The woman had a bigger heart than she seemed to know.

“Rafe,” she said softly, still clinging to me. I didn’t answer, not having any strength or will to form words. She kissed me lightly under the jaw, saying gently again, “I’ll stay here with you. I’m here. You aren’t alone.”

Rasping from a dry throat, I spoke almost too low to be heard by her, but she did hear me. “Why are you here?”

“I knew you’d need someone, Rafe.” She pulled me against her, putting my head on her shoulder just above her breast as she held me, like a child. She didn’t care that I was muddy or sopping wet. She kissed my head and cradled me close. “John told me you’d left and I knew something was wrong. You’re not the kind to leave without a word.”

What a lie. I left Ana without a word; just a crappy letter. I left Rose without a word either, just a quick message to be passed along through someone else. Cowardly running was all I knew how to do. I didn’t say that, though, and just let her hold me. Her skin was no warmer than my own but I took a comfort in being so close to her anyway. The sound of her heart was a solid and real assurance that I was alive. I felt the light touch of her lips on my head as she murmured, “Come morning, you’ll thank the gods for the pain, Rafe. It means you’re alive. You’re going to be alright.”

Scoffing lightly, I replied in a still-raspy voice, “I’ll thank them when I’m dead, Rose.”

This was met by another kiss on my head as she said, “We’ll both be dead if we don’t get somewhere dry and warm. Come on, on your feet now. We have to get moving.”

“Just leave me alone,” I said sullenly.

She sat me up and touched my face so I had to look at her. Hand cupping my cheek, she met my eye and said warmly but firmly, “Rafe, you helped me where I was weak. You protected me. It’s my turn to help you. It’s my turn to take care of you. Now get up.”

With no other choice, I got to my feet. Walking was difficult and my legs tingled painfully from being completely numb for hours. She helped me though, and let me lean on her heavily when my legs started to fail. We walked all the way to the hidden place behind the waterfall. She went first, getting our bags inside so she could focus on helping me. I was sluggish and weak, my body not wanting to move or respond to orders.

Once inside, she went into my knapsack for dry clothes. Thankfully, that bag was good for keeping the rain out. Everything was dry and she then proceeded to peel off my wet clothes and armor. She didn’t balk even when I was stark naked, needing to change my drawers as well as everything else. She merely kept her eyes on my wet clothes and laying them out to dry on a clothes line she’d erected with the laces from her old boots, tying each end to rocks that jutted out of the cave walls. The wet clothes, once we were both changed, made a sort of curtain that blocked out most of the light that shone in through the water.

She’d wrapped her hair up in a towel she had in her bag and made me sit up next to her so she could clean and sew my shoulder �" since I’d just had one of the girls bandage it enough to keep the bleeding down. It thankfully wasn’t infected but it was slow in the healing. We didn’t speak as she sewed me up; she seemed to sense that I wouldn’t want to talk even if she tried. When she was done, she merely kissed my cheek and patted my back lightly as if to tell me it was okay to move again. She’d laid out my pallet for me and I crawled gratefully into the pocket of warmth that had built under the blanket.

Dressed in the tunic and trousers I’d gotten her, she took up the bow she’d brought with her and knocked an arrow. She sat against the wall where the clothes we had hanging didn’t obstruct her view, one leg bent with the other outstretched. She rested the bow in her lap, though her hand remained in place to easily and quickly pull back the bowstring should it be needed Leaning her head back against the wall, she just watched the water.

A bit guilty for so quickly thinking of sleep, I asked, “Aren’t you going to get some sleep?”

“No,” she whispered back. “You sleep, now. I’ll get some in the morning after I make breakfast.” She seemed to sense that I was going to argue and merely said, “Sleep well.”

Having no further choice, I slept.

 

I dreamt about blackness mostly. I never really had nightmares about things that upset me. I just didn’t dream when I was bothered. Opening my eyes to look around, I saw that Rose was awake, calmly tending to the small fire she’d made toward the back of the cave. Thankfully, the cave’s ceiling was so high that the smoke just floated up, drifted along the roof, and then dispersed into the waterfall. The place smelled of cooked meat and I saw that she was cooking up the best meat she could from a deer caught that morning.

For the longest time, I just watched her; she wasn’t aware that I’d woken yet. I watched as she went about seasoning the meat and carefully turning it over the fire. Her eyes were serene and watching her cooking attentively. She’d tossed her hair up in a sloppy bun with locks and tendrils hanging out as if she’d planned it that way. She seemed to notice I was awake and smiled at me �" that closed-mouth shy smile that I always knew was genuine. “Are you hungry?”About to refuse, my stomach loudly answered for me and she laughed. “Come over here, I’ll make you a plate.”

She pulled two plates from her knapsack, both wrapped in some lacy cloth. I raised an eyebrow and asked, just above a whisper, “What did you wrap them in?”

“My slip and spare shift,” she replied. “I needed something soft that I wouldn’t need to wear any time soon.” In a better mood, I might have plucked the lacy white shift up and teased her about it. Though the idea crossed my mind, I didn’t feel at all tempted. My body rolled the idea around for a nanosecond and then rejected it like a child does a broken toy. She seemed to see that I wasn’t in my usual spirits and offered, “I hope you like the food.”

It was good and I told her so, again barely registering above a whisper. She frowned at me for the longest time before putting on a determined smile and chatting with me like nothing was wrong.

This went on for days. We stayed in the cave partially because she thought it best for us to sit tight for a bit, and also because her stomach was still troubling her. It hadn’t healed when she rushed to my aid before. It had just been tolerable enough to handle traveling. For a week, she’d hunt, cook, keep watch at night, and take care of me. Every time I expected her to get sick of my sulking or self-pity, she put on a smile, kissed my cheek, and then went about a bullheaded attempt at making me laugh. She never let up until I at least smiled, and I did smile every time at some point in her ridiculous antics. I kept waiting for her to get fed up, like Durza would have, and start kicking me until I fought back.

She was the picture of patience, though.

It was two days into the second week. She was cooking lunch and I randomly told her, “It keeps raining, Rose.” This confused her, because it hadn’t rained since we got here. After making sure the food wouldn’t burn, she moved over to me and sat with me. I slowly looked at her, suddenly feeling as if I’d break. “It just won’t stop.”

Her eyes searched mine for some kind of answer until she seemed compelled to simply draw me against her, holding me tight. “How can I help, Rafe? How can I make the rain stop?” I didn’t answer her, but rather let her cradle me. After a bit, I shifted and put my head in her lap as she sat against the wall. She whispered something too quick for me to hear and the fire suddenly went out as she began stroking my hair, running her fingers through it lightly. This relaxed me almost immediately. Softly, she murmured, “Hide with me until it stops raining, comrade. I’ll keep you as dry as I can until then.”

I slowly fell asleep, no longer wondering why I started to care about her.

 

Waking sometime in the evening, I smelled something that made my mouth set to water. “Where did you learn to hunt?” I asked her sleepily, rubbing my face tiredly.

“It was how my trainer, Tobol, taught me to hit moving targets. He figured it would be better that I practice and catch dinner at the same time. His method of teaching forced to me to figure out how to stalk and stay quiet, too,” she told me honestly. I felt like she was being so forth coming about her home life to keep my own mind busy of whatever thoughts she likely assumed I was having. That suited me fine.

“Why is it that I’m just learning all of this about you? I’m just now starting to figure out that you aren’t helpless,” I complained. She smiled, serving me a plate of the rabbit she’d caught this morning. “I’ve also never met a woman who didn’t vomit at the idea of gutting a little bunny.”

“You’ve never met a woman who was responsible for having chores finished, food on the table, and house clean every day before I was permitted to do anything else,” she told me simply. “I said I lived with my aunt. I never claimed to enjoy it. By the time I was fifteen, Tobol built me a hut near his and I lived on my own from then on. Killing and gutting my own dinner was my problem.” She smiled at me indulgently as she added, “Of course, I was a bit sick the first time I gutted an animal on my own.”

I found that I could think of nothing to say, and I didn’t feel much like talking at any rate, so I kept quiet. She seemed to notice this, because as she handed me a refilled cup of herbal tea, she said, “You don’t have to talk.”

 

She continued to be understanding, patient, and seemed unwilling to push me. Rose never tried to make me do anything I didn’t feel up to and she never asked me to do… anything. For some reason, that really started to make me angry. I somehow wanted her to start kicking me, to make me get up and start doing things. I wanted Rose to push me into being myself again. Though, judging by the way she passively allowed me to continue sleeping in, I doubted that she would.

It was a random moment in the fourth morning of the second week we spent in that cave. She’d been offering me yet another plate of food that she’d caught and cooked herself. For no reason whatsoever, I snapped. “When are you going to start kicking me?” Honestly confused but calm, she merely stared at me. “Come now, Rose; when does the mocking start? When do you start telling me that I’m pathetic for lazing about for so long over this?”

“Rafe, I would never kick you or mock you about this… You’ve lost everything. You need time; I’m willing to understand that,” she told me calmly. As she set down the offered plate, she looked at me very sagely. Her eyes held no anger at my outburst and her expression was serene. “My question now is very simple, Raphael.” She paused, having used my full first name to get my attention. “Do you feel that you are pathetic for mourning? If you do feel this way, is this your way of telling me that you’re done lazing?”

It took a moment for her question to make sense to me. I’d risen to my feet, angry but now I sank down sitting with my legs folded as I took up the plate. “Do you think that’s what this is?”

She laughed. “Actually, Rafe, that’s probably exactly what this is. You aren’t mad at me for not making you get up and do something. You’re mad at yourself for not doing it sooner. If you want to get moving, that’s great.”

Taking a few bites, I was quiet a moment. “How are you so supportive of this? It’s been nearly two weeks and you haven’t lost your temper with me once… I couldn’t do that.”

“Well of course you couldn’t,” she said bluntly, sipping the herbal tea she’d made for herself. “I’m a priestess, Rafe. Never forget that I wasn’t just some girl with powers on that island. I was meant to be the High Priestess, but I left it to one of the other girls until my return.”

“Can you do that? I mean, just pick it up?”

“Yes,” Rose answered as she finished her tea. “The position doesn’t really belong to Tabatha, the girl I left it to. She’s merely filling my place. It belongs to me. I earned it but I told the entire temple that there are things I must do before taking my place. Tabatha, being my right hand, is holding the place for me. She cannot dispute the old law.”

“What do you plan to do if she refuses to give it back?”

This made her pause a moment but she didn’t miss another beat as she answered me, almost getting me to smile with her casual dismissal. “I could either beat her into a pulp, which is an option, or shrug my shoulders and let her have it. I might do that anyway, depending on the state of the temple. I won’t let her ruin it �" but if she’s not doing anything bad, then I won’t mind not having the responsibility.”

I shook my head, forgetting the politics she so easily lived with in her life for the moment. “I’m going for a run.”

Staring at me for a long moment, she merely smiled. “I’m going to sleep while you’re gone, if you don’t mind.”

“Why would I mind?”

“I didn’t figure you would, I just wanted you to be informed of the fact that I might be half-dead when you get back.” She grinned and added, “I’m planning to sleep off the past week of living on naps.”

I almost laughed, but I didn’t. That feeling still hadn’t come back yet. Smiling was a bit easier, though. Laughing just wasn’t possible yet. I pulled on my boots as she slipped into her pallet, saying softly, “Thank you, Rose.”

“Go for your run,” she said. I could hear the smile in her voice, even though her back was to me. “You’re on the road to recovery. I’ve done my job for now. Let me sleep.”

I climbed out of the cave, hopping onto the bank and looking around. It was bright and sunny. The grass was green and I could faintly hear birds, signaling that it was probably about noon. I glanced back and then started jogging toward the woods. I was by no means back to normal. I think even Rose knew that, but at this point, she was right. I was on that bridge.

Maybe with her help, I’d manage to cross it.

 

She was still completely out when I returned to the cave. I just smiled faintly at her sleeping form and went to stoke the fire a bit. Bathed in my own sweat and panting (my body had apparently decided to seriously slack off in the past week and a half with my recovery), I decided to grab a pair of fresh clothes and wash off.

I didn’t actually have to step into sight, as long as I hopped off the shelf at the mouth of the cave. I stepped into the water, breathing a sigh of relief as the cold water cooled my burning skin. I didn’t have anything other than lye soap, but I heard a loud ‘ahem’ behind me and saw Rose, dressed only in her slip, standing behind me with a grin. She had a small blue bottle and held it out to me, crouching to reach. “It won’t make you smell like anything specific, but you won’t smell like lye.”

Grinning at her, I took it and asked, “Aren’t you supposed to be sleeping?”

“I’m also supposed to be shy about naked men, but here we are,” she countered, bursting into giggles as my grin fell when I realized that I was completely naked. I was glad that the water was falling all over me, because it marred her view enough that I wasn’t horribly concerned. Still, I was a bit worried.

“Can I bathe in peace now?”

“Only because I’m so marvelously considerate,” she teased, rising to her feet and heading back toward her pallet to sit by the fire. I found myself watching her walk away, my eyes roving over the long legs, muscled calves and thighs, and up to the faintest glimpse of her rear. The tingle between my legs brought me back, and I turned my back to her to avoid that tingle getting any worse.

Fifteen minutes later, I was clean. I quickly put on my drawers before she turned around and then, now assured of being properly covered where it counted, walked over to my bag to get the rest of my clothes. She looked over at me and I noticed (though I pretended not to) that I wasn’t the only one stealing glances. In staring at her, she caught me, saying with a little grin, “Did you see something you like?”

“I believe I asked you first,” I countered simply, and I saw her take a moment to piece it together. She laughed then, shaking her head and stoking the fire. It was getting dark outside, because there was almost no light besides that of the fire.

As I slipped on trousers, she said softly, “If I said yes, wouldn’t it only complicate things? We agreed. This isn’t supposed to be for long.”

I turned around to look at her, seeing her staring into the fire. I sat down, legs crossed, beside her. Neither of us spoke but rather continued to stare at the fire in silence. “Things can change,” I muttered.

She seemed to almost wince, as if it hurt to hear that. “Can they?”

“I think they can.”

“I’m glad one of us is sure,” she replied almost too softly to hear. She glanced at me, suddenly nervous and shy. “I’ll admit it. I didn’t just follow you back here to check on you. That was a big part of it, yes, but… I had my own reason, too.” She bit her lip, determinedly looking at the fire as she whispered, “I wanted to see you again. When I woke up and found that you’d left, I was hurt, Rafe. I was even angry at you.”

Nothing worth saying came to mind, so I kept quiet but she didn’t speak again, so I mustered up the balls to say something. “I thought you’d want to finally split.”

Rose didn’t do or say anything for a moment, but I knew she rolled her eyes without looking. “It’s good to know that I’m the only one who…” She bit it off, looking off into the cave to avoid looking at me instead.

“That’s not it,” I argued.

"It definitely sounds that way, Rafe,” she said, sounding as hurt as she probably felt. A stab of guilt wedged in between my ribs. I didn’t say anything and she spoke again. “What are we doing?” She stared me straight in the face now, demanding an answer. “I have to know, Rafe. You’re back on your feet. Does that mean it’s time for me to go?” She paused. “Does that mean you want me to?”

This was a lot harder than I expected every time I imagined having this conversation with her. Somehow, I thought this was going to be easier. “I’ve never asked you to leave, Rose.”

“You’ve never asked me to stay,” she countered immediately, as if she’d known that would happen. I could have sworn at her; she’d obviously planned this conversation more realistically in her head.

“Do you want to stay?”

“That should be fairly obvious,” she said irritably. “I’d be gone already if I didn’t, fool.” She glanced away before saying a bit angrily, tears welling in her eyes, “I’m still here because I care about you, you bloody dolt. Haven’t you figured that out?”

I couldn’t stop grinning, even though she was clearly mad at me. She continued to glare until I asked, calmly, “Did you ever figure out why I call you comrade?”

Her glare fell, dissipated in the face of confusion. She looked at her lap for a moment before her head shot up and she muttered, “You can’t be serious. You gave me a nickname because of… that?!”

“Yes,” I said, dangerously close to laughing. Rose’s face started to turn a similar shade to match her name. “What did you think I called you that for?”

“I assumed it was an admission of friendship,” she muttered, refusing to meet my eye. This incited more grinning from me. She saw it and glared again, though not as strongly.

Shaking my head, I stoked the fire for a few moments, not saying anything else but then, I looked at her and said with a smile, “Will you stay with me, Rose?”

  Her smile took a moment but she did smile. “Yes.”

Author's Note

- get replaced with " cause cafe is teh lamez. -- There. That's it for now. Sixteen isn't done, so :P