Chapter 1

 

In the country Ishar a golden bell rang at the dawn of day. Everyone stopped their actions and got on their knees to worship Dagon. People were buying fruit; a couple was kissing under the street light; a young boy was getting a haircut. Both he the barber and everyone else bent on their knees to worship. Except for an old man who continued walking down the street as if nothing was going on. He carried a bottle in his left hand while staggering from side to side barely walking straight. He bumped into other people who were on their knees. “Sorry I didn’t see you there.” The old man said in a slurred voice. An individual looked up with disbelief in what he was seeing. “psst” he whispered. “Get down before a guard sees you.” The old man kept scrolling along, the bell echoed loudly throughout the country so it was possible that he wasn’t heard.

 

The person trying to get the old man’s attention was the young boy who was in the barber’s seat. His hair was halfway cut leaving a patch of hair on the back of his head. “Oldman!” The young boy said a little louder. The old man continued his wobbling walk. “He must be drunk.” The young boy thought. He looked around to see if anyone had noticed the old man. Everyone appeared to be on their knees with heads down. Even the guards were on one knee. “I really shouldn’t do this” The young boy said. The young boy took a deep breath then took off running towards the old man. The young boy grabbed the old man by his shoulder trying to pull him down, but the old man shook him off.

 

 

 

 

 

“What the hell are you doing kid?” the old man said. “Get down old man! Don’t you hear the bell!?” The young boy tried again to pull him down, but the old man shook him off one of the royal guards looked up and seen what was happening. He immediately ran towards the two people. The young boy seen the guard coming and instantly fell back to his knees. “Get down on your knees now!” said the royal guard. The old man had a dazed expression on his face like he wasn’t sure where he was. After carefully observing the old man’s face he realized the old man was drunk.

 

“Now you have to spend the rest of your life in prison.” Said the guard shaking his head. He reached for the bottle in the old man’s hand but the old man moved it just barely out of the guard’s reach. He then took a gulp from the bottle. The bell stopped ringing and everyone was looking at what was transpiring in front of them. “Give me the damn bottle!” Yelled the guard. The young boy slowly stood up and started to walk away. “Stop right there! I saw you on your feet with this old man!” The young boy froze then slowly turned around. “You got it all wrong, I was trying to get this idiot on his knees, but I saw it was a mistake and got on mine.” The young boy began to sweat, more royal guards rushed to the scene one of them asked the guard what was going on.

 

“I saw these two standing while the bell rang” The guard pointed a finger at the old man. “This man is drunk!” The old man took another big gulp. There were ten guards surrounding the old man and young boy now.” I will take it from here.” Said one of the guards in the back. As he walked up the other guards stepped aside. “I am Captain Morgan of the Ishar third brigade.” “Sir this is a big misunderstanding.” The young boy said. “Don’t speak you were standing while the golden bell ringed which is forbidden!” “But sir.” “Shut your mouth or I will have you killed right now.” Morgan interrupted. The young boys face looked like it was about to explode but he remained silent. “You two are under arrest.” Morgan said. The old man had a blank expression on his face he looked rather bored of the whole situation. The crowd spectating slowly started to disperse. “I’d better finish this wine you know it’s over twenty years old can’t let it go to waste.” Said the old man. “You sure as hell can’t finish!” Yelled captain Morgan.

 

Morgan reached for the bottle but the old man moved his arm taking another gulp of the wine. Morgan pulled his rifle out and aimed at the old man. “Drop the f*****g bottle and put your hands up!” he yelled. The old man stopped drinking and dropped the bottle which shattered on the pavement at their feet. “Relax young man I was done with it anyway.” Morgan signaled the guards to arrest them. The old man and young boy were arrested. Peace was once again restored in the land of Ishar.

Author's Note

Any review good or bad will be helpful to me.

Reviews

[barleygirl]

This is very well-written! Your writing style is clear & straightforward, easy to picture what's going on, & the dialogue is very realistic for each situation & character. Your little story teaches us about a different culture -- even tho it sounds like it might be an imaginary place, the customs are different than what we are used to in the USA. One rule of story writing is that there should be a new paragraph any time a different person is speaking. When you mix the dialogue of different people into the same paragraph, it's not easy to follow what's going on. Other than that & a little correction (below), your storytelling & the mechanics of your writing are strong! (((HUGS))) Fondly, Margie

In paragraph 5, in two places, "ringed" should be "rang".