Chapter 4

"Son it’s time you know how your grandfather died.” Luther lee James young II Said to The Third.

 A female servant wiped sweat from the second’s face using a fancy red cloth. She then pulled out a towel dumped it in a bucket filled with water and folded it neatly on the second’s forehead. The second nodded his head excusing the servant from his room. The third sat in a chair on his father’s bedside, looking at his father sternly.

 “What do you mean? He died of old age.” The third said.

 The second coughed for a minute before continuing. “Your grandfather was a very unsatisfied man. Even after he killed millions, even after he tore down their homes and monuments stripping them of everything they had. It still wasn’t enough.”

 The second coughed vigorously  the third was about to call for assistance, but the second shook his head.

 “I’m Fine.” The third leaned closer to his father for his voice became weak.

 “Your grandfather had finally got what he wanted or so he thought. After the war, Luther took a tour to see all the lands he had conquered.

 

 

“Building statues of himself in each country as he traveled. Telling the masses that he was the king of the world. When the tour was over and he was back in Ohara . He found himself looking at a globe in his chamber.”

 The second turned his head toward a counter-top on the other side of the bed.

“Grab that globe for me” 

 Curious to see where his father was going with this he grabbed the globe.

 “This is the world as we know it.” Said the second after coughing.

 The globe showed the lands and bodies of water. The second placed his finger toward the top were a dark line went around the globe.

 “And this is the unknown.” The third examined the globe staring at the dark line.

 

“No one knows what’s beyond that point. That place has claimed countless lives out of peoples urge to discover the unknown.”

 The third grins at the globe. “The Belt a place of death and chaos, some think it’s were the world ends but I think it just the beginning.” Said the third with a smile on his face.

 The second coughed vigorously the female servant opened the door rushing to his aid. “I’m fine go away I must talk to my son in private.”

 The servant bowed then stepped back out the door closing it silently behind her. “I don’t like that look on your face son. It’s the same one father had when he seen that dark line, he felt that he had not yet conquered the world just a piece of it.”

 The second began coughing again; the third put the globe down and grabbed his father’s hand. “Don’t push yourself father you can finish telling me this story another time get some re_" 

“No!" The Second interrupted in a voice that was not weak.

 

“This is important.” The third seen the look in his father’s eyes.

 “OK father” The third placed his hand on top of his father’s hand and leaned closer.

 “Obsessed with the unknown he began sending ships to discover the place. After the first ship failed he sent hundreds at a time around all angles of the world in hopes that someone could make it there. No one did Luther was furious by their failures he took it upon himself to take the voyage there. He built the strongest ship he could with this world’s finest material and set out with a crew of the world's finest warriors there were one hundred of them. The second stopped talking for a moment he stared off at the ceiling.

 “He sat me down and spoke with me the night before he left.” 

 

“He said son I’m going to the belt I must know what is there but don’t worry, I won’t die like everyone else. I have god on my side.” The second coughed once more before continuing.

 “We all begged him to stay not even your grandmother could sway him. I was twenty-two at the time old enough to take the throne if he did not return. On the eightieth day since his departure a great pain struck deep inside of me it burned hot like a blazing fire. I knew then that I was king of the world.”

 The third frowned slightly. “So not even grandpa could conquer The Belt.” The second shook his head slowly.

 “So that’s it? You never tried getting there in his name?” the third asked.

 “You’re missing the point son were not meant to go there that place is forbidden!” The second coughed again.

 The third grabbed a red cloth off the counter and wiped the sweat off his father’s face. The second grabbed his son’s free hand tightly.

 “Listen son when I die something dark is going to come inside you, it will burn like a fire and won’t go away. It is the curse that your grandpa has given us to live with while we rule this world. I have spent my entire life trying to find a way to lift the curse. I was forced to fight the darkness the burning never stops not until you give in to it. A sinister voice beckoned me telling me the hurt would stop if I would let it take over, but I couldn’t I knew this was the evil that was inside my father. I wanted to be nothing like that man. So, I learned to live with the burning sensation.”

 The third shook his head. “Why didn’t you let it in dad? It is a gift from god.”

 The second squeezed his sons hand tighter. “I don’t know what this thing is but it’s no gift! Whatever father did to get that power was evil, and if it came from god then he is evil and only wants us to suffer!”

 

The second released his sons hand and coughed into his own. “Please son listen to me don’t let the fire consume you!”

 The third frowned at his father. “I’m going to be honest with you dad. I think this sickness is making you delusional. Look around we own everything! Our family is on top off the world! The people bow down as we walk the streets. How could you call this a curse?”

 The second closed his eyes then sighed heavily. “You grew up privileged always having what you want so your blinded by what’s really going on. I’m the blame for this I should’ve been showing you the true ways of this world. I hid it from you while I tried finding a way out.”

 The second coughed again. “I don’t know how much time I have. If you don’t find a way to lift the curse I fear it will go on forever.”

 The third stood up grabbed the towel from his dad’s head squeezed the water from it dumped it in the bucket and placed it neatly back on his head. He then kissed his dad on the cheek and walked toward the door as he opened it he turned his head and said.

 “Get some rest dad your very sick.”

Author's Note

Any review good or bad will be of help to me

Reviews

[barleygirl]

I got confused at the very beginning. In the last chapter, we were dealing with prisoners & this leader named Ozay. Then suddenly now we are dealing with new characters: the second and the third. You do not introduce us to this scene or these people. Who are they? How are they related? Using "second" and "third" to refer to people is not very easy to follow -- it makes them seem like flat one-dimensional objects, instead of complex characters in your story. I like the way you keep showing us how the old guy is coughing, which helps us get the idea he's sick, but you don't explain this until very late in the chapter. All in all, your book started out feeling original & unexpected. In this chapter, it started to feel pretty ordinary, like the typical stories about warring factions & ruling families. There's nothing that makes this family stand out. These people are not memorable. I think it's boring to be standing around talking about ruling & conquering . . . I realize many stories do this & there are tons of movies where this is the way it goes. But to me, it's boring. It sounds like every other "war" themed story. I need to have a reason to plow thru this. Why are these people worth reading about? You are not making this family come alive as a compelling dynasty. I'm sorry to be so tough on you, but this chapter seems to be lacking in imagination & also I can't really see or get to know your characters, so that I care about what happens to them. You seem to be falling into the trap of trying to make this sound like every other story of this genre. You need be more original, as you were in the first 2 chapters.

[Rasheem]

This is the kind of feedback I Love. I'm understanding what I'm doing wrong. I knew it was a stretch switching scenes like that but it was not without purpose. In the prologue I talked about Luther and how he took over what he believed to be the entire world. The characters speaking are his son and grandson which is why I was referring to them as the second and third. The second meaning he was the second to rule after Luther. Making him Luther lee James young II. The son Luther lee James young the third. Will be the third to rule. I was trying to show how big the world they live in is. Which was why the second was talking about how his father conquering all of the world except for this mysterious landmark known as the belt. In this book I switch back and forward between Ezekiel and Gabriel to Luther lee James young the Third. I know it seems like some ordinary story about kings conquering but it isn't. As the story unfolds you will see there is a bigger plot all together. Again thank you for this constructive feedback I will continue to write and get better

[barleygirl]

I think using "second" & "third" is an interesting & original idea. It's just that you jump right into using these nicknames when we haven't really gotten the full picture of how this family is & who is part of it. Using nicknames needs to be preceded by a clear explanation of who these people are & how they're related. I felt like I was walking into the middle of a conversation with people I didn't recognize from the chapter I just read.

I'm wondering how you can be more clear when you jump from one bunch of characters to another. Maybe you can say a little something about the physical surroundings & say it every time you switch perspectives, so we can know that your story is now taking place amongst a different group of characters. It sounds to me like we were in the clouds for the first few chapters, but now we're inside a family meeting room or something like that . . . maybe you can just put in a brief description of the surroundings when you change from one to the other?!?!

[Rasheem]

Thats a great idea! I will do just that

[barleygirl]

Many times in a longer story, like a book, writers will come up with "signals" that help the reader navigate thru the different people & places. For example, the guy coughing is a signal -- this is the old man who's going to die -- you don't have to say that, becuz the constant cough reminds us all along. These are the kinds of signals that can be used when you switch from one setting to another, to help the reader know we're in another situation.

[Rasheem]

Good idea! Thanks to your tips i wont make the same mistakes over and over again