I am Dead

Interesting tale. I like it because it's more faithful to the vampire genre we have all come to know and love. Nice work.

Posted 12 Years Ago

Wow! Okay wow! Like I said before, you are very talented when it comes to creating a good scene. This for was better then the last read because it was descriptive of not only the surroundings, but also the emotion =] they twined together and formed an awesome collaboration, which then made the characters believable, the story plausible and the read enjoyable =]

Posted 12 Years Ago

As evocative and emotional as the first time I read it. It brings back memories of the conversation we had before you wrote this. Perhaps I will post mine here as well. As I tend to be a stickler for spelling and grammar, and I assume you might want this reviewed, I am going to attempt a critique. It's been a while so I may be somewhat rusty. *cracks knuckles* Here it goes. ;)

First off, very evocative. I began to read it out loud and the first paragraph made my chest clench with sorrow. Good job on that as well as your beautifully poetic descriptions. So, second paragraph, the first comma in that sentence should probably be a period, otherwise it becomes too much of a run on. Same thing for the first comma of the second sentence in that same paragraph.

Fourth paragraph, second comma change to a period. Second sentence of same paragraph, the first comma should be a period. Everything else in it is fine. And as I'm reading this over it seems you're kind of comma happy, lol.

Fifth paragraph, this sentence; "I struggled, the body starting to bruise against the hold one me." It sounds awkward, I think you were going for "I struggled, my body starting to bruise against the hold on me."

Paragraph six, "priced", should be "pricked". Missing a period after the word "seconds" in that same paragraph.

In paragraph eight, "wither" should probably be "either".

Paragraph nine, last sentence. Change the first comma to a period.

This part; [My heart was " Wait, I was scared out of my mind, yet my body felt calm,] Maybe put a set of elipses after "My heart was". Do away with the " before wait and change the comma at the end to a period.

Paragraph sixteen, sentence four, change the second comma in it to a period.

"Forgive you? Your b*****d, I am dead." I think you meant the "your" to be a "you".

Paragraph after that. Make it "stench" instead of "stenches" and "making" should be "made". The sentence after that, "felt" should be "left".

The rest of it looks pretty good. I may have missed some things so go over it yourself and give it a double check. Overall this is a well written, sorrowful tale that helps to show that things aren't always black and white when it comes to so called "monsters". Vampires were once human and I think you showed us, the readers, that change, especially such devastaing change can be hard on all involved. There are also very good themes of love and family in this piece.

Very well done old friend.

Posted 12 Years Ago

The character is very believable, and realistic. She comes to life more with each passing line, and the way the story grows takes you by suprise, and makes you wish there was more by the time you were finished. What ever it was that you channeled to create this character worked perfectly, and led to the creation af a brilliant story.

Posted 12 Years Ago

leaving my weak and limp.

leaving me weak and limp?

so shockingly beautifull
and it has more emotion then any work i have seen of you
maybe you should relate it more to your life more often
the emotions you write about come to life better

Posted 12 Years Ago