memories

it is quite emotional

"My son, how are you, are you fine", my dad asked with sadness and eagerness which I felt.

My dad, who brought end to informality and began formality with me, the word SON, he used for me, he stopped to use since when she left me.

And today when he used the word SON for me, it touched my heart, it realized me "Your dad never brought, do bring and will bring end to the relation, exist between you".

My eyes for a moment closed when I heard. Full of sadness, a larchyma came on my eyelashes and fall down on my pale hand having scars on it because of beating from metal rod.

 

A larchyma dropped down on my hand and I brethed deeply. My eys opened. “Sorry”, the word with deep breathes came out of mouth.  SORRY is the word of five letters only but in those five letters’ usage I expressed my ashamed and guilt, “For coming USA to establish my career”, his eyes wetened but the wetness did not drop down on his face.

I could feel the emotions of him from the green modern telephone. He was feeling sorrow and grieve. He was shedding tears. “Are you fine?”, he asked taking deep brethes.

The words made me sure that he is my old dad, my dotting dad. “How can I be fine here!”, a smile with tears came on my face, expressing how much I am  suffering.

I could hear his weeping and hidden grieveness in those drops.

“You will win”, those words motivated me. I could feel presence of motivation in his words and tone. With simplicity but effectively he stated. “Our religion Islam will win”, words stated by him with spirituality ensure me that my victory was fixed. His motivation brought tears in my eyes. I wanted to express my emotions and presence of caresses in my heart for but I could not when the hand of the man hold the phone. He snatched from. He put it down. He ended the the call. “2 minutes over!”, he told. He was a cop. The silver hand cuffs was putted by him to me again. He locked me in jail. Wioith loose posture, I was putting my feet forward slowly, looking down, my hands were in pockets of orange uniform of USA jail. I sat down. I wanted to cry but I could not beacse I am a “Man”, belong to the strongest gender.

That day I got a treasure, a treasure full of jewels and gems. But those jewels and gems I could feel, I could not touch but it is near to me.

His lines made me to compare my yesterday with that day. His words took me in the past, 6 of December 2001. I was moving here and there in lounge of my apartment. It was the time of night. I was talking to him on my cell phone. I was quite perplexed and pensive. He was yelling on me. I was trying to solve the issue. It was the most complicated issue, me and Sadia’s separation.

“Why did you and Sadia separate from each other? Why did she leave you? What’s the reason behind your separation? Why did she demand for it?”

His questions and yelling didn’t puzzle me.

“Abu I can’t tell, if I will give you a reason, then today or tomorrow, Muslims would be killed of America or otherwise me alone”. I wanted to tell the reason behind it but if I would explain then might be Muslims of America  would be killed because CIA agency was trapping my call, in fact it was trapping the calls of each and every American.

“Now what is remaining to tell or reason,  you have told what you feel for your son and Sadia” he murmured but I could hear it. His observation about me halted me for a minute, made me to query myself, am I selfish or am I selfish not. My answer was I am not. I carried on giving justification.

“There are many things left to tell you”, I was worried and eager to tell him but I could not. I was moving from right to left or vice versa in worry.

“So tell us!”, he exclaimed with anger. I was standing near the sofa.  His demand halted me because I couldn’t fulfill that demand. “Tell us! Tell us Ahmed!”My silence made him to exclaim again with same anger and strength. His repetition of his demand made me sit on sofa suddenly with hopelessness and helplessness because I could not fulfill that demand.

“Abu, you don’t know everything, How I tell you everything I don’t know”, I answered with same feelings of helplessness  and slowly “The reason of our separation is related to all circumstances and if I tell you the lives of all Muslims would become complicated” I was telling with tiring.

“What reason, what kind of a reason behind this which you cant tell us!”, he didn’t understand me.

“Abu there is reason but I cant tell you now, if you want to know it very soon then ask her”, I was irritated, sitting with tiring.

“I was you Abu, but not now”, his words shocked me, straightened me “Don’t say this abu, I will tell when I will come Pakistan on 18”, I begged to sstop him from saying such statements.

“don’t come in front of me, you bow my head with guilt in front of my sister Mr. Ahmed”, I was saying “Abu, Abu. Don’t do this”, but he cut the call. I sat suddenly on sofa as if my mind was not working. I was shocked completely. A tear with feelings came out of my eyes, I closed my eyes and they fall down. I opened and looked around the lounge with my red and tear filled eyes, which was quiet because I was there, my loneliness and Allah was there only but they don’t speak. But I speak.

 “Why you didn’t tell the reason everyone, it was not so suspicious?”, a petite woman in black chador sitting beside him asked him.

“It was not suspicious but might be  they would take it suspicious and declare my family involved in November 11 attacks” he reasoned looking at her with serious expression but  expressionlessly too. She was looking down at the floor, listening to him carefully. She looked at him when he had stated his statement “and you yourself made it suspicious for them”, she realized him his mistake. They both were looking at each other “by not telling them the reason”.

He turned his face closed his eyes for a while and opened when he turned his face. He realized his mistake, the biggest mistake. She looked his reaction and turned her face towards the floor like him. Both of them had some conflict for each other but there was something which brought them together. Looking down by both of them in same was with stretched hands and bent back. They had a silence. “Why did she leave you? What happened between you who made her to leave you?”

"After few days, everything was settled between us but it didn't remain for days and months. After two days my article was published from the name of GREEN INTO ASHES" he was looking down stretching his hands downward. He was telling her seriously. "It was about attack in Shanksville on 11th of November 2001",  he turned face towards her with same posture seriously. She looked at him seriously but with sympathy which was coming on her face in the form of redness, presented in her eyes and cheeks. He looked her until the completion of sentence, for a minute. He noticed her seriousness overshadowed her kindness. He turned his face downward. "it created hype in New york completely.", he took out handkerchief from pocket moved at his mouth to hide blood from her very casually. "Sadia got to know about it before she was being informed by me", he looked her, sat against the wall. "I phoned her to inform but she didn't listen to me started yelling on me", he  moved his eyes according to the words and sentence. He was looking at her.
                   -
"Green in to ashes create hype among the countrymen,
Can Ahmed Ashfaq survive tomorrow", a news reporter, reported.
On a sofa, in trouser and kameez a woman was sitting listening news carefully because it was about his husband who didn't tell him about the publication of his article. She was annoyed and irritated by him. She hold her head, lookind down at sofa.Her phone started to vibrate, she looked at it from sofa. "Ahmed", the name of caller ignited her anger. She picked up the phone "Hello", he said, his hello ignited her anger more
"What have you done now", she expressed her anger "you didn't tell me as usual", "Sadia I got to ----", he wanted to inform her but she interrupted "you got to know it now, do you want to lie", she was being sarcastic. "Sadia!", he was being shocked by her words.
"I am not foolish which you consider I am", her anger was very bad and uncontrollable. he was at Aamir's house, quite tense but now angry too because of her "Sadia listen to me!", he exclaimed sitting with opened legs on sofa like men used to, with anger in strong voice "I phoned to inform you", he stood from his place, told her moving his finger down at different directions.  "but you knew it so what is my fault", he gave questioned expressions. He was being sarcastic.
He exclaimed with same anger as she was yelling with anger. He switched off the phone after yelling on her.
                       -
"Did she know you were jobless", she asked when he completed his sentence and giving expressions.
"No", he expressionlessend, "because she would loose her temper" he reasoned seriously.
She turned her face to look outside. She turned her face  towards him to ask him "okay what happened after it?"
He turned his face towards the door of the prison in normal way "I came back at night, I opened the door and saw Sadia was holding a suit case and grasping the hand of Kabir.", he told, he looked at her "I was completely astonished, my eyes opened completely with shock, "what happen to her" I was asking myself", she was looking at her telling her his incomplete feelings to her. "Her face color changed when she found my presence and entrance in house, "please let me go", she was looking in my eyes with anger and  annoyance asking for giving her space to go. I was standing in between. "I will not, first tell me where are you going", I ignited her anger. She left his hand and suitcase. She came near me. "you want to reason, the reason is I want to go far from this house and you", she angered and yelled.
She took him near the lap "and I don't want him to live with you", she demanded." he was telling her every moment and action expressionlessly. "She was shouting so loudly that I need to close the doors of apartment.", he expressed his expressions of hopelessness and astonishment at that moment. He was looking at her. " "Why are you closing the door, please let me go" she was shouting constantly when I was closing the door. I turned towards her. We looked each other with anger and annoyance", the scene of past revolving around in his mind how they both were standing in front of each other looking with anger and irritation. How she pushed him against the wall and stepped forward for leaving him forever. He remembered that he hold her hand suddenly when she was stepping forward and shouted "Sadia!". He came infront of her who was trying to free her hand. He pushed her against the wall and came near her. He was familiar and remembered his cross expressions quite well. He was holding her hand still. He remembered his words which he couldn't forget at any cost "have you planned where you will live now?"
"I would live in hotel but I will not live here anymore", her reply was not ignite his spark.
"it is your imagination that they will provide you shelter because My name is beyond your name", he remembered his strong words which he stated with perfect expressions.
He remembered her expressions after his words which were changed "So I would prefer to stay at road but not here anymore", but she still gave angry and vexed expressions. She freed her hand. She started stepping forward. He was looking straight towards but noticing her movement. She stepped two paces forwards. She was stepping her foot forward for the third time. But he extended his hand. H e hold her hand with sudden. She looked him. He turned to towards her. He came near to her with serious expressions. His seriousness was greater than her anger. He pushed her against the wall. "you don't want to live with me, you can’t tolerate my presence, okay", sweat was dripping down. "I will not let Kabir to go with you but I also will not let you go because you are my responsibility".  Redness in his eyes nervous her and it was coming on her face.
"I, myself will book your seats", he was looking her without blinking "And drop you at airport", he stepped backward but didn't free her hand. "but stay here until your tickets will not book", his words produce goose bumps on her hands. He stepped backwards. He freed her hand which he was holding very tightly.
He turned his face towards his son Kabir who was looking them with innocence. He came near to him with guilt of being so aggressive in front of him. He sat in front of him. He was looking his father with questioned expressions. Ahmed was looking at him, smiling. He kissed him. "Go and change clothes" he asked him to go away indirectly. "Okay", he answered and moved away from the lounge. He stood. He walked to the door, opening to leave the house. She was looking him. His leaving made him to ask “Where are you going?"
"You can't tolerate my presence that is why" he was looking at the door. He answered seriously.
He made her speechless.
He was opening the door but stopped when she said "If your can become danger for me because it is beyond my name than your name is more dangerous because it is your own name, it is neither beyond any other name nor behind, than why are you leaving?", he stepped backward, he was looking forward "Because I am man", he answered with expressionlessness. He noticed her expressions without looking at her for a second. He stepped forward. He closed the door and left the house.
He made her stood still with guilt and less character.

Ahmed told him each and everything which was revolving in his mind.
"Kiran Shamir, sister of Ahmed Ashfaq, your time is over", the voice of man was being listened by everyone. She stood from her place and came in front of him, who was sitting, looking down. He looked up at her. They looked each other with affection and caresses for a while then he turned his face down. "You are hiding something from me", she said looking at him.
"No", he disagreed. He looked up at her.
She extended her straight hand. She put it in his shirt's pocket. She took out a piece of white handkerchief. "you wiped your blood from it coming out of your mouth", she proved, put handkerchief in front of him.
He was not speechless. He looked down closed his eyes with the feeling of his truth came out. He looked her up "I have tuberculosis".

She was not shocked but depressed. A drop of larchyma came in here eyes. He saw that drop. He turned his face down. She looked straight at the wall. A drop of larchyma dropped from her eyes on lips. He closed his eyes.

Emotions were same that is of sadness and melancholy. But expressions were different. She was crying because of being informed such truth so late. He closed his eyes because of being informed her.

           ---

 

Author's Note

ignore grammar problems