Rainbows

Heh heh... mary's wild ride!~*

One day, Mary went to Aeropastele to buy a thon g for the rainbow party. It was had a very thin string which was very snappable. Hot pink and sexy, it had red hearts with smiling fairies on them. Mary also went to Browns to get a s****y shade of pink lipstick. She thought it was the perfect shade for her boyfriend. Because she hasn’t got any for a while if you know what I mean. She’s been veeerrry busy lately…. She has gotten a job where she gets money for having pleasure. The old guys there don’t care how she looks, as long as they get what they want. Mary’s boyfriend was Roger Benson, the ex-boyfriend of Akon, the gayest guy in history. Mary wanted to keep roger away from akon, so they wouldn’t have an affair like last time. Her mom told her to stay away from white trash like he was. But she didn’t care since she was a s**t anyways. She did the whole football team in one night. She had stomach aches the whole next two days, in that place if you know what I mean… she left the mall wearing her new miniskirt and her high heeled boots, with new and improved make up. The mini skirt was see through and satin pink, one inch long so it barely covered her new thong. Her high heeled boots had the sharpest points at the end, they were white with gold lacings that reached her knees. Under that, she was wearing whoreish fishnet stockings made out of real black cow leather. She got into her new Porsche, that looked great except the backseat that was a bit worn out. It had a few stains here and there, too… she got home and put on her new, bright hot pink lipstick which matched her sexy thong. After that, she invited some friends over and practiced her dance for the party. She danced on her table, then with the pole outside. Also, on the couch and then on the floor. Then she had to straighten out her clothes and get ready for the party. She went into her car, and drove off as it was getting dark, knowing that her parents would think she was sleeping when they got home at midnight. Which, in a way, she was sleeping. She got out of the car into her nightclub. All the people cheered when she walked in, because she was the best dancer. She bowed down, and all the people behind her screamed of happiness. Her skirt rode up to her belly button, and she arranged it back to cover her bottom, even though she got many screams of joy. She went up and saw Roger and ran up to him and hugged him. He hugged her back.
“C’mon,” He whispered into her ear, “Lets dance for them!”
And they did. She kept screaming “carry me! The crowd will love it!” when he did, they danced while he carried her. After they danced, she ate a hot dog and he ate two hamburgers. Then they danced some more, to impress the crowd. Mary’s lips were getting really rainbow. And Rogers P3NI5 was a bit to rainbow. So she washed it off for him, and he wiped it off for her, and then she went to buy a new shade of lipstick at the nearby wal-mart while he waited for her to come back. She got bright blue, so everyone would know that it was her leaving her mark on other young and old men. Some other nice men asked her to dance with them, and she said yes. Some of them were really bad dancers. She was a skank, so however they danced, she could make them look good with her freak dancing. One of the guys, a middle aged man, was a fantastic dancer with professional experience. He asked her if she wanted to go with him. She excitedly nodded and ran toward the nearest bed. He came after her, and they did the flamingo together, with everyone watching. It was a wild night, and she and roger went home. While he watched the new premiere of girls gone wild, she washed off her colors and Rogers colors. He didn’t care that she danced with other guys, because he danced with a lot of other girls. Robert was very mature. In fact, he was twenty one and had four children from four different teenage girls. She wasn’t any better, she had a golden membership card to the free clinic.

Reviews

[London Calling]

Seems interesting thus far, haven't gotten to the rest yet. I dont want to sound crude, so please see this as constructive critique. I can tell that you have talent, but your style is like a sugar high...all over the place.
You have SPAG errors in here and it doesn't flow too well. All you'd need to do to fix it is to tighten it up a bit. Read through it again, detach yourself as the writer and look at it from a reader's point of view.
The plot is interesting and it is definately something I would read, but I'd prefer a little tweaking done.
Totally my opinion, use it dont use it.
Thanks for posting.
LC

[razormuse]

Interesting chapter, i may read the rest of this. i suggest you polish it up a bit not so many "shes" and elaborate a bit on the surroundings, what each character is feeling. nice effort on this. spicy and more than descriptive in some areas.