Still in the past

Sorry I now have to think of titles at the top of my head

Walking through the forest strangly helps me clear my head. All I hear is the aritfical forest green moss squishing under my feet. My head is spinning as I try to escape all of my problems. The officials from the facility are trudging close behind me, but still leaving me some space so that way I can still breathe. I get extra attention from the facility because I have tried to escape.

      It was five years ago when I first attempted to escape. I was so close but so full of stupidity. I never knew anything. I was full of hope. I was at the fence and i was ripped off from the fence and I was dragged by the hair to facility and I was whipped. It was my third time. I was not scared until the first crack of the dark leather whip it me. The pain was so intense it crippled me. The pain was so intense I could not move for a week. I unintentionally rubbed my back, finding the scars and it sent chills down my back.

      This all had started six years ago. The world started to crumple. There were food shortages, power outs happening more often, 20% unemployment, and 40% of students dropping out. It was around election time and Andrew Kuff was the front runner. I saw through his thick web of lies. He was an evil deceptful, self-centered narsistic person. He promised a plentiful supply of food, more electricity, more jobs and more schools. I saw the truth and was not blinded by the lies. I tried to warn people but no one believed me. Because I was so little, no one believed me, but I was right.

      "Hurry up." one of the officials said curtly, disrupting my train of thought. I turn my head slowly to go back, letting my mind wonder again.

      Back to Kuff. He has ruined our nation. He has replaced all of our good food, and made Kuffers®. Kuffers® are bland tastless powder, like the astronot food my mom had when she was a kid, 30 years ago. Kuffers® describes our life, bland, lifeless, and hopeless.

      Instead of restoring the schools, Kuff has completely destroy them, relacing them are mills. He calls the mills correctional facilities for kids. The main one which I am at is the Childrens Correctional Facility. The Facility is for the children that are unwanted or their parents send them here, because they can no longer support them. I was one of the ones who was sent here.

      It was a cold winters day when I was 12. It was the anniversary of my father leaving me. It was also 5 days after Christmas. I was playing with my colored pencils. I got 2 of them for Christmas so then i had 5. Colored pencils are so rare, all of my friends were so jealous of me. I called my mom over so i could show her the picture i drew and she said she would look in a few minutes. Then someone was baning at the door.

      5 large well built men came pouring out of the door way, ripping me from my place on the carpet. I started screaming and soon after my little sister was screaming from her play-pin. One of the man, a tall black hair green eyed man snatched the pencils from me and broke all 5 without any trouble. I started to bawl and cry for help, but no one came. I was alone.

      Then i was taken to the facility. 3 weeks later one of the guards handed me a sheet of paper. It had my moms neat hand writing on it

      Dear Maria,

  I am so sorry for this. Ever since your father left, it has been so hard to support you and your sister, I had to very bad things to support you guys, After the guards took you away, I tried to calm your sister down, but she would not stop crying. So i did what i had to do, I killed her. I did not want her to worry and have the same life as you. I am in so much pain, and I can never concentrate. Stay strong no matter what.

                      Your mother        1/13/2039

 

      I was frozen in place for a long time. Today was the 27th I recived word she killed herself on the 20th. All they did was tell me that she killed herself. Now that I have proof I told them to show me how she killed herself.

      When they get alert of someone killing themselves, they leave the body the way it was found until the family sees it. The officials loaded me up into a heavily armored car and we drove down the familiar street. Thank goodness Istill have the key. I have to hold my hand as I put the little brass key into the lock. With a click and a 90° turn The door swings open and I step into the room.

      I first went to my room. I had to grab the most important thing to me, my iPod. On the way I saw a shadow in the bath room. I nearly passed out when I saw the shocking image staring back at me. It is someone I know but also someone I don’t know. It is my mother but not her. She is covered in scars and there is blood on the floor. Also in her pocket was a prescription of sleeping pills, given to her on the 20th. She had downed a whole bottle of pills that same day. Also she had hung herself. Her body was gently swaying in the breeze going with the wind that is coming through the open window. Grief and panic had suddenly rushed through my veins and i could not move. I had to be pried from my place and brought back to the facilty. Then I realized the letter is all that I have left of her. On the way back I am fighting back tears.

Then my room at the facility was ramsacked. All of my books, magazines and the letter were missing. I sprinted out of the room to find an enormous fire on the recreation field. The flames engulfed each book they put in there. I saw the letter and I tried to run to get it back. I was stopped by the same guard who broke my pencils the month before. He swiveled me around and in the next moment I am in his arms and he was carrying me back to the mess hall. I could see behind him and I saw the letter being burned. I was blinded be my own tears. I was whipped for trying to get the letter back. A man i don't know was the one who whipped me. Everyone came to watch.

      Pain swarmed my entire body. I begged for mercy and I was granted more whip strikes. When the frist crack of the whip hit me my legs where flown under me. I screamed louder then I did when I was taken here. I was given 40 whips and then all the pain made my body shake. That was the worst expirence ever.

      After that I was then informed of all the rules

      1. Do not escape from the facility

      2. Do not rebel against the government

      3. Cerfew is at 10

      4. work at 8

      5. Obey all government officals

      6. No form of education (reading, history, globes ect.) is permitted.

 

      You are here until you are 18, if you are lucky to survive. Most people crash at the whippings, or kill themselves from the verbal abuse. I have both forms of scars of me, some I put there myself to make the pain less, if there is any.

      We are treated worse than how the Jews were treated at the concentration camps. We have food twice a day. One bowl of soup and a glass of water at 1:00 and if we are lucky meat at 8:00. I ration out my food since it is in packets, I hide some so when i get hungry i can just eat there and not starve.

      I have been here and survived the longest. I am 17 and soon will be able to leave. I have 7 basic rules of survival here.

      1. Wake up at 6 and shower, the water is still warm and more privacy.

      2. Eat the food, it's all you'll get

      3. Don't scream in pain, the doctor is a creep and it shows weakness.

      4.Don't be kind to others

      5. Don’t show any emotion

      6. Don’t ask for help

      7. Isolation is good

     

      I have not felt pain in three years because i am so numb. I have over 30 whippings. I only felt 5 of them, and that because they were my frist three and the other two had glass on the ends of the tips. Glass was embedded in my skin for weeks.

      Just then the door opens and its him. I would rather drink acid then be near him. His green eyes look at me in a hopefull carefree kind of way, just like my dads used to be.

      "Hi honey, it's been so long." Kunt said smoothly.

      "What are you doing here?" i say with acid in my voice

      "Just seening how you were doing, sorry about you mother." he said at the end.

      That made me bust a nerve.

      "Who are you exactly?" i say with caution in my voice.

      "I am your father Maria." he said in a calm relaxing voice.

      The room was spinning and that was the last thing before the darkness engulfed me and sent me into a world pain.

      I am your father Maria.

 

Reviews

[Shep]

AWESOME frist chapter. It held me it gripped me. I wanted more so give to me and write me a best seller. One thing I would change is introduce main character with in the first paragraph if you are writting a first person novel. Good job of keeping entertained with this first chapter.

[Kris]

Nice. I like it. You introduced the main character and the problem almost right away.

Now, I have a question. Did you proofread this, because you are jumping from the present tense to the past tense. It must have happened at least 10 times. There were a few typos and your grammar needs a little work.

[Daydreamer54]

I was at the fence and i was ripped off from the fence and I was dragged by the hair to facility and I was whipped.-I was at the fence when i was ripped away and dragged by my hair back to the facility where I was whipped.

I felt the scars on my back and shivered sendig choils down my back- I touched the scars on my back and shivered.

moms neat-mom's
i had to very-bury
Nie intro but i agree about it being choppy and repetive. Other than that, it seems like it could be interesting...

[JadeForever]

this IS SO GOOD...keep writing

[Underestimated]

oooooooooooh. very nice very very very nice.

[Mary Evans]

“aritfical forest green moss” too many adjectives. Just like with adverbs you’d want to go easy on them. In this case I suggest you remove forest.
“trudging close behind me, but still leaving me some space so that way I can still breathe” a bit redundant and repetitive, I don’t think you need the piece after the comma.
Second paragraph is a bit choppy and you have repetitions, I suggest you look over it again, add what’s necessary to get a better feeling and smooth it out.
“started to crumple” – I believe you mean crumble, it’s just a bit more straight to the point.

Overall it’s a bit on the summary side. You should make the exposition easier to take in, add a bit more action, smooth out the history bits. I mean I see a lot of backstory but not much going on. As a prologue or first chapter outline it’s probably great but as a story started you need something more.

[Clotilda Jamcracker]

Wow. That's just amazing. It's perfect. I'm drawn in. I want to know where you are and how you got there. It makes me think of the prison camps in Korea.

[DeliriousCerises]

Captivating! Seriously, I was sucked in and not released until the last word. It just kept getting better as I read. This has amazing potential, and I really hope you continue writing it. I will subscribe, just in case. The only thing that kind of got me a bit messed up was your transition between the letter the mother sent to her daughter, and the next paragraph where they are talking about she killed herself. I guess it was really with the proof, that confused me. Still, really great job. You are displaying serious talent. I look forward to more.

[RimantasPodlinevas]

I love it! :) Make sure to write more! :) Maxin gave some nice points there.

[maxin james]

Awesome Presentation Maria!!! Bravo! Still please accept some diets of criticism for health of your writing (it is not kuff ;))
1. You are so real in presentation, but some words slips like childish attempt! Use some professional way! I know you will hate this, but you must be a professional if you intend to publish this.
2. You created awesome picture by using first person! But it appears you need little editing. Otherwise it is too entertaining!

Am i right? Let me know progess of work, I promise to be a good critique ;)