Now that you know, my obsession with wanting to know people 'feelings', & how they act, feel, or work, or see things...how ever you want to call it. I must confess. Although, I didn't realize at the time, I have realized now, that I was being 'selfish'. While I sat there, and manipulated people, into trusting me and allowing me to be in there lives, and see there true selves. I didn't realize that my actions, that expressed 'care & selflessness', brought feelings, of 'care, respect, trust and reliability' from the person I took of interest. My actions, also made it seemed as if I felt the same about them. When in reality, I felt nothing. I was only, feeding my obsession of wanting to,'know, testing my self, studying feelings, reacting and actions. I helped them, build a bond unknowingly, and then left. Never to phone again. I was not being considerate of there feelings. When they found happiness, It only helped my,'ego'. Fueled my obsession and added more.curiosity. After a certain point, when I thought I knew enough about the world, and all the different kinds of people in it. I sat and watched the world. I saw people, suffering in silence, needing help, needing and wanting answers. Some even confiding in me with such issues, I knew very well how to help fix. But chose not to. During that time, I had burnt bridges with my family, had no friends, and the man I fell in love with who was also internally struggling, I couldn't help. I could help everyone else, but couldn't help my self, or the ones I loved. I even felt my role as a mother was faltering. I came to terms that I had a mental illness, that the experts called Bipolar 1. I had no feelings of my own, and when faced with my feelings, I was never able to handle them. I would literally run my life to the ground. I was stuck. I had hit a point in my life where, no matter what turn I took, in efforts to move forward with life, ended me back where I left off. I was on standby and so was my life. I am sorry, for those I ' hurt',. Though unintentional, and misread..I never meant to hurt or mislead any one. I am truly sorry,.and being that I am, I live with that guilt and carry your pain. Every night as I lay in bed. I am reminded. I only then allow myself to sleep with the feeling of 'disgust, shame and selfishness'. Knowing full well, I deserve it, and to all those I hurt, I allow it for justice, I rightfully sentenced my life too.
My deepest, sincere apologies! I do not ask, but for I Hope with time, and in time, you can find it in your heart to forgive me.
However, (important). You all need to know, the help others received after you, was only because of YOU!! I was only a pawn. Your suffering, that you allowed me to see, only made you bring water to the many fishes that needed it. I take no credit to the many hopeless lives who found 'faith', to those who's lives shined no light in there darkness, but was still able to find 'hope'. Those who was pushed to not 'feel',anymore, found reason and strength to feel once again. In the end all found there way, to the right way. I have no right in taking the credit
. & I sincerely thank you.
Your pain, and struggle will not go 'unnoticed', and surly not in vein.
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