"Distant Fears"

Ch.3

It’s around 8:30pm, my kids are in bed. It has been a long day, and I haven’t been able to see Christian, in a long time.  My parents are now here. Living with my Grandma, and my parents is like living in prison, I have no freedom to go where I please, without any explanation or validation to why I need to go anywhere.  With my troubled past, and my recent troubled marriage, I had burnt bridges with my family, and they had no trust in me.  With Christian’s reputation, I did not want my parents to know I even knew him. To them, he was just someone I said “Hi and Bye” to and I wanted to keep it that way. If they knew I knew him more than that, I would have to hear them talk bitter about him and I know I wouldn’t allow them to talk so negatively about someone who meant so much to me and who they knew ‘Nothing’ about. My relationship with Christian, would just add fuel to the flame. So I kept my distance.

Before I came to California, I told myself that I would find a job, so I twerked my resume, and applied to jobs, but for some reason, that was beginning to be a dead end. I knew lying on my resume was a bad part on my end so maybe that was causing for some karma. I also knew I had to mend the bridges I burnt and the first on my list of bridges was my parents. I needed them to trust me. So obeying their rules, was the way to do it. Which meant, no Christian.  My lack of presences, I felt was effecting my trust and bond I was building with Christian, I knew me not being there was making him bitter. But little did he know, keeping my distance was slowly killing me. However, I still tried to show that I still care and that I was still there for him, I texted him.

{Text message sent} "I miss you Christian".

I stared at my phone hoping that he would respond.

{Text message received} "Whatever".

Ugh, with that response, I knew I was right about him feeling bitter. I would text him when I would wake up, “Good Morning, Hope you have a good day” He use to sometimes answer with a “Thank you”, But after a while he just didn’t answer. And at night I would text him as well, hoping that he knows at least before I go to bed, he’s the last thing on my mind. As when he is the first thing on my mind when I woke up.  But knowing Christian, this attitude is what I knew I’d get instead.

{Text message sent} "Well I do. And I know you miss me too. Hope you have a good rest of the night".

Once again I stared at my phone, laying it in eye view, hoping that he would tell me he misses me too, and good night beautiful. But he doesn’t. As I lay here, all I can think about was how ‘right’ Christian was to be bitter at me, I tell him how much I care and miss him, but I never come around. And before I know it, tears run down my cheeks and there’s this sharp pain in my chest. I wanted to be there for Christian, I wanted more than anything to go and see him, and hang with him for a while. I wanted more than anything to ‘Be with him’ every night like I use to. To know that he was shutting his doors to me, killed me. I laid there alone, angry, hurt, but most of all, sad not because I couldn’t be there FOR Christian, but because I couldn’t be where he was FOR ME.

I suddenly awoke, to the rumbles of exhausts from a truck, instantly I thought, a black four door Chevy, It was on my street and I could hear it circling my neighborhood. Flashbacks of my dark past, hit me like a series of horror movies, except my flashbacks were not from movies. I remember, seeing a black four door Chevy truck following me back in the day, It use to park near to where I was living. I didn’t think too much about it back in the day, but as the time passed, I knew that truck had meaning, Instead of chasing after it like I should have back in the day, I ran from it, for me it signified danger. I panicked while I laid in bed, wild thoughts, of “they are still here”, “they know I am here”, “My ex is still trying to kill me”, .pounded fiercely in my head, like a migraine trying to take over. I was scared, I was no longer scared for myself, but I was scared for my kids. Back in the day, I was so scared, I was just focused on the harm done to me, until I realized my kids were endanger too. Ever since then, I had this innate overwhelming feeling to always stand guard and protect my kids. It was no longer a sense of flight, but however, I was ready to fight.

 The one thing I fear the most, is that harm would come to my children, and I just couldn’t allow it, especially after, I found out, my ex, may have been hurting them himself. Their father, the man I thought I knew, but truly did not. I beat myself up over not protecting them ‘better’, that somehow I should have known, that maybe I could have paid closer attention, How could I have not known what was going on with my kids, and their father, who I was living with, who I was with almost 24 seven a day. I shook my head in bed, like a crazy lady, trying to focus on the now. It was not the time to feel guilty. The truck passed by again, I wanted to listen to music but I knew if I was listening to music I wouldn’t be able to hear what’s going on outside, or In the house, I had to lay there in silence, left torturing myself with the sound of the truck and the negative thoughts and memories in my head. I need something to tame these damn thoughts and feelings before I lose my wits.  I remembered there was a scissor in my bathroom, I got up to get it. I laid in bed holding the scissor, holding on to it like it was my safety blanket, holding on to it for dear life. Till exhaustion took its toll.

Author's Note

Just part of CH.3 ...its unfinished, kind of stuck...so bare with me :) but I hope its still to ones liking.