Putting The Squeeze on Charmin

I make myself rich by making my wants few. - Thoreau

mom knew just how to squeeze a nickel from a dime

not once in a while but all the time

it didn't  matter where we were

restaurant packets of condiments went home with her

to fill up our salt and pepper shakers

allowing us to live like well-seasoned quakers

tiny packets of ketchup, mayo and mustard

leaving us angry, frustrated and flustered

she eventually took it to a whole new level

become an obsessive, budget devil

the ultimate economical scrimper and scraper

tearing up squares of napkins for toilet paper

there was simply no way that crook mr. whipple

was gonna reach into her purse and take a nickel

even if it meant walking around like a cripple

that's when dad had enough and tried to draw the line

with an incessant plea for mercy and a two-ply whine

he inevitably lost the merciless, pulp battle

as he fidgeted about on the toilet missing his chattel

"she's gone too far now", he would say with lost dignity and class

"she's got me using sandpaper to wipe my *ss"

Author's Note

"A man is rich in proportion to the number of things he can afford to let alone." - Thoreau

Reviews

[barleygirl]

Your poem may convey an abundance of tightwad ingenuity, but reading this only makes me cringe, too embarrassed to admit to some of the doozies from my own family archives. Great ending, as we all pucker up in the throes of your butt-wiping affliction. In my family, it was hard to determine where dad's frugality ended & his hoarding began *wink! wink!* Fondly, Margie

[Pete]

tightwad - good word! miser. she didn't even buy underwear - she would sew in new waistbands.
read moretightwad - good word! miser. she didn't even buy underwear - she would sew in new waistbands.
don't get me started on the hoarding - that's a whole other saga. "throw it out" was not in her vocabulary. other than groceries, we almost never went to a store and if we did i was strictly told to stand next to one of them and not look at anything on the shelves ... :)

[T.S. Ulmus]

This was a very pleasant read, the rhyme scheme and cadence are spot on. A clever subject as well. I always considered my own mother just pragmatic but her cooking seemed to revolve around what we needed to get rid of. Add that to the fact that the woman could burn water, there were some pretty rough meals.

[Pete]

lol. ah yes, getting rid of those leftovers. amazing how they showed up with different twists - a whole different story for another time perhaps. she could also take clothing to a different realm - usually one or two decades behind the fashion times. she had me wearing hand-me-down 70's disco clothes from a neighbor's boy well into the 80's ... :)

[Cyprian Van Dyke]

The ending made me laugh. It's funny women are known for both being shrewd and careless with money whereas I can't give an example either way with men. I like how you made the reader feel like they were there raised along side and share the emotion. Nice write. tyfs

[Pete]

you can't make this stuff up. truth is stranger than fiction. glad to bring you a chuckle - my pleasure. as john the baptist points out - it was good training for covid days ... :)

[John the Baptist]

Mom may have been a little obsessive; on the other hand, she might have been prescient. Recall what was hoarded during the first wave of Covid. Knowing how to utilize squares of napkins could have been a life saver then. Wish I'd thought of it.

[Pete]

good point. advanced training for covid days perhaps. you are ever the voice of truth and reason "hard" as it may be to accept. let's pray that the vaccine wipes the slate clean ... :)