Chapter 11

The dark room where no child would play

"What to you mean by this part?" my voice almost echoes in the small room, but it seems bigger now; the second time.
"This is all a game young fool, don't you realise that," he walks out of the dark and I only see his eyes. "If you die, game over, you die. And if you win, well no one have ever one in this game. You see, I am the master of this game, like the king on the chess board. I control the game, I am the most valuable piece. If I die all is over. But guess what! I can't die," the hysterical laugh coming from his mouth haunts me. It makes me shiver and unconsciously I walk backwards. I hit the end of the wall, I cannot go any further.
"S**t," I say soft in the darkness. A sudden movement catches my eye, something in the dark moving closer to me. "Are you still here?"
The incredible bad smell of something rotten burns my nose. "Yeah," he says in my face, elongating it and pushing his smelly breath in my face. "You lose!"
A sharp pain shoots through my gut, my stomach. Blood seeps through my shirt and drips over my legs. "And all the little birds falls down down DOWN!"
The last image I see is his dark eyes looking at me. He pulls the object out of me and I fall to the ground on my knees. I close my eyes and hit the floor with a hard thud.

"He is awake! He is awake!"
I hear the dull sounds of screaming in the bright white room. The first person I see is Jess, screaming at the nurses.
"Hey," my voice is hoarse and is only a whisper. I see the joy in her eyes, I see how happy she is to see me. I get a long kiss from her, but then I push her away. Every part in of my body hurts, I can almost scream at her.
"Oh sorry, sorry, I was just so excited to see you," her smile lightens up my mood.
"It's okey," a smile creeps onto my face for a second or two and then evaporates again. No words are spoken after the two smiles we gave each other. We just stare into each others eyes, for hours and hours. Untill my mother shows up.
"Oh he is awake. I am glad to see your alright son," she says in a monotonic voice, a bit irritated aswell. I ignore her.
"Talk to me, or should I just leave like your father always told me to go," she asks after a while.
"He was a good person unlike you," my voice has a lot more fury in it this time. Her eyes focuses on me but leaves me alone again. She walks to the door and sighs. I can hear the silent sobs. She leaves the room again, leaving it with a sombre feeling. I hold onto Jessi's hand, seeking the love she gives me unlike her. My mother.

Author's Note

I think a short chapter is sometimes good? or should I make it longer....

Reviews

[Maryum Mazhar]

Nice content, great words, but you should re- read a bunch of lines for grammar errors;

"no one have ever one in this game" this should be "no one has ever won in this game"

"irritated aswell" should be "irritated as well"

I think you should make your sentences a bit more dramatic like, instead of "my voice is hoarse and is only a whisper." you should say something like "my voice is hoarse when I speak.. it is but a low whisper".

you need to re write a few sentences, and short chapters are good too, you don't need to make it longer, i think. this short is good.

[MmeCorpse]

Good, definitely see potential. Yes, short chapters are sometimes necessary and serve to better "get to the point" whereas the longer a chapter goes on, the more it tends to sometimes deviate (the same can be said for a book).

The biggest problems I saw were with dialogue. When writing dialogue, say the words aloud, putting in all the emotion (or lack of emotion) you're wanting to convey. Does it sound natural? If not, it would probably be better to change/rewrite it. Some of my critiques:

"It's okey," should be "It's OK" or "It's okay" if you want to spell the actual word out.

"Oh he is awake. I am glad to see your alright son," should be "Oh, he is awake. I am glad to see you're all right, son," The commas can be left out, but breaking it up a bit sounds more natural in regards to actual human speech. Technically you CAN use "alright" but it's more appropriate, in this instance, to use the spelling "all right" as in "everything is okay with you" or "everything is right with you".

"He was a good person, unlike you," A comma here will help emphasize "unlike you" which would be helpful in conveying that fury. Italics can also strengthen the power put into those words.

"Talk to me, or should I just leave like your father always told me to go," doesn't make a whole lot of sense... "Talk to me; or should I just leave, like how your father always told me to?" sounds a bit more natural and less forced.

"He is awake! He is awake!" If the characters are native English speakers, it's good to note that oftentimes, especially when excited, they will probably use the contracted form "He's" instead of "He is". This goes back to my earlier suggestion about getting vocal with your dialogue to see if it sounds natural. "He's awake! He's awake!" is definitely more likely to be shouted.

It's a good piece, just pay close attention to that dialogue. ;) It's tricky.