Introduction

The whole book, novel is in present tense...

Intro

It is chasing me. My feet are bare on the ground with the gravel piercing my skin. It is dark and the moon only shine bright enough that I can see where to put my next foot without falling over the loose pieces of wood. The entrance is small but I make it in without hurting myself against the needles in the wall. The door is wide open and I run into the black hole in front of me. The air is full of dust and it is hot inside unlike the cold night chill outside. The vulgar smell of old meat and dog faeces hit my nose. The noises stop and I can feel the fear leave me for a second. I fall to the floor, exhausted by the running. My face hit the floor hard when my legs give in.

Thousands of little feet crawl all over my body; I can feel them in my ear and on my face. With the little energy left in my body I stand up, trying to get the bugs off my face. I see something move in the corner of my eye, where the door is.

“Who.. is.. there,” I ask with fear back in my body. I look up, and see the figure standing there. Standing in the entrance, his eyes black, empty eye sockets, blood dripping from them. His body is small, but stands firms. I look up into a young face, a boy’s. It feels almost as if he looks me straight in the eyes. I stand frozen in for what felt like hours, looking at him.

“Come with me,” his voice calm, without any pain. He walks down the stairs leading to the outside yard. The grass under my feet is cold and damp. I run into the blacken night, the cold air brushing my face, but he is gone.  

I start to walk back, walking the same way I heard the voices earlier; the same way I feared before.

Author's Note

This is the newlly edited version... again... i think all the tense errors is out?? any tips on editing your work for newbies?

Reviews

[KAOlmsted]

Still having trouble with tense. And in rewriting, you lost the bit about the voices in the beginning, so when your protagonist heads back toward the voices, we really have no idea what you're getting at there. Quite honestly, this is not a genre I read, so comments to how scary or unscary things are in your work may not make it to these posts, but if you appreciate syntax corrections I'm the perfect reviewer for you.
-kimmer

[Commit it then to the f..]

This is amazing :)
It's abit short for an intro in my opinion, but that could easily be fixed if you expand and explain things further :)
For example:
"I look up, and see the figure standing there. Standing in the entrance, his eyes black, empty eye sockets, blood dripping from them. His body is small, but stands firms. I look up into a young face, a boy’s. It feels almost as if he looks me straight in the eyes. I stand frozen in for what felt like hours, looking at him."

Could be extended by adding further description, like:

‘I look up, and see the figure standing there, in the entrance. His eyes were black, skin ashen and eye sockets empty, dripping blood. His body was small – like a child – but he stands firm, unwavering. I look into the figure’s face, a young boy’s, not much taller than that of an 8 year old. It almost seems as though he’s looking at me, though he has no eyes. Looking into my soul, the very essence of my being. I’m frozen, and for what seems like hours, I stand there, looking at the boy, as he looks at me.’

It doesn't do much, but just by adding that few extra lines to some of your shorter paragraphs, adds more emotion, giving the reader a better insight into the feelings and emotions of the character. :)
It's amazing though, and I love your writing style.

[MmeCorpse]

Get ready for a long one---

It's a good start, with plenty of potential, and it definitely makes me want to continue onward.

With that being said, it is definitely in need of editing that only you are capable of doing; after all, you know your story better than anyone. The biggest problem is that there is far more telling than showing, and we want to see and feel what is happening rather than feel as if we are being told from a third person point of view. When writing in first person, you're making the character's experiences the reader's, so you need to really emphasize on the things this character sees, smells, hears, feels (emotionally and physically), and (if applicable) tastes. This is especially important when writing a horror story of this nature. You want the reader to feel fear.

The most I can offer is suggestions and corrections in regards to proper grammar, spelling, etc. Keep in mind that some of these are merely suggestions, and can be disregarded, but should also be pointed out.

“It is chasing me.” What is “it”? Since this is the very beginning of your story, we don't know what “it” is. Is it a monster? A person? An abstract idea? You don't want to outright tell the reader what it is they should fear, since really, the character doesn't know yet either; however, you should provide a bit of foreshadowing here, so that we at least get an idea, which will build as the story goes along.

“My feet are bare on the ground with the gravel piercing my skin.” Consider breaking this into smaller sentences. It runs on a little bit: “My feet are bare. The ground is covered with sharp gravel, cutting my skin.” Or: “My feet are bare; there's gravel covering the ground, cutting my skin.” Something to that effect. Maybe change “pierces” with “cuts” since “to pierce” means more “to stab through” or “to jab”, which wouldn't necessarily happen while running on gravel.

“It is dark and the moon only shine bright enough that I can see where to put my next foot without falling over the loose pieces of wood.” This sentence has a bit of awkward wording. Suggestion: “It is dark, and the moon is only shining bright enough so that I may see where to next place my feet, without stepping on the loose pieces of wood.” Also, you may want to describe the scene itself a little better in the beginning; where are we exactly? Why are there pieces of wood scattered about mixed with gravel, and what do they feel like? Are they splintered? Smooth? How big are they?

Between “loose pieces of wood...” and “The entrance is small...” there isn't very much of a transition. Where did the character end up? What is this building that the entrance belongs to? Is it a warehouse, an old mansion, a circus tent (just for kicks)? Beef this area up a little bit and build a little more; you may want to consider making “The entrance...” the beginning of a new paragraph.

“The air is full of dust and it is hot inside unlike the cold night chill outside.” Maybe... “Inside, the air is hot and filled with dust, unlike the night chill outside.” Cold makes this a bit redundant and isn't necessarily needed; perhaps change “cold” to something like “bitter” or “frigid”, since by using the word “chill” we've established it's cold.

“The vulgar smell of old meat and dog faeces hit my nose.” should be changed into “The vulgar smells of old meat and dog feces hit my nose.” Also, how does the character react to these smells? Do his nostrils flare, do they send him stumbling back, do they make him feel nauseous?

“I fall to the floor, exhausted by the running. My face hit the floor hard when my legs give in.” In this case, “by” isn't the type of preposition you want to use. “I fall to the floor, exhausted from running.” And also, “My face hits the floor hard once my legs give in.” Another suggestion, if you would like, you can emphasize “hard” by separating it with commas.

“With the little energy left in my body I stand up, trying to get the bugs off my face.” can be changed to “With what little energy that remains, I stand, trying to get the bugs off my face.” How does the character try to get the bugs off his face? What is he doing with his hands, his body?

“'Who.. is.. there,' I ask with fear back in my body.” This goes back to my “natural speech” lecture when I reviewed that one chapter to sent to me. “...who's there?” or “Who's there?” or even “Who's there...?” would sound a bit more natural coming from a native English speaking person. Try to use the contractions of certain words where applicable, especially when the emotions presented are meant to emphasize fear or excitement---emotions that aren't usually preceded with a great deal of thought. Also, “with fear back in my body” is a bit of an awkward way of describing the fear he's feeling, especially since we don't know what kind of fear he's been feeling. “I ask, fear slowly returning to my body.” What is the fear doing to the character? Are his hands shaking? Is his pulse quickening?

“I stand frozen in for what felt like hours, looking at him.” maybe can become “I stand, frozen, for what feels like hours, just looking at him.” For a second there you jumped into the past tense. Make sure you keep with the present unless you're recalling a memory.

Another thing: “The noises stop and I can feel the fear leave me for a second.” and “I start to walk back, walking the same way I heard the voices earlier; the same way I feared before.” What are the voices and where did they come from? This hasn't been clarified. What is the character hearing? What does it sound like? What place did he fear?

To summarize: what's the character feeling about being in this place of torture? In other words, “What's our motivation?” We know he's afraid, but there needs to be a good deal more description as to what exactly this fear is, what it feels like, and why he feels it... Flesh out the descriptions.

There's a good deal of editing that needs done, especially rewording (as I suggested), and these are only the things that jumped out at me the most. Definitely go through carefully when you start to edit and consider these things, as well as in the chapters to come.

Otherwise, good work in actually pulling the reader in. But my heart wasn't skipping any beats, and I want it to, and I'm sure you do, too.

I'll shut up now. [laughs]

:)

There are a few errors, but otherwise very good. It's hard to edit your own work, so what I do is leave it for a few days, go back & read it aloud, that way you can get the flow of the piece to see how it works

[Sweets]

sooo scaryyyy :/
i can imagine him as if he's right in front of me .__.
you described that boy nicely :)
wonderful introduction that is!!

[Scytheriax]

I liked it, but it's a bit short.
Maybe consider expanding it a bit.

[Tala]

Yeah still a couple errors. i liked it all the mystery and stuff but it was written a bit weird. not bad just weird.

[Jeremy Haynes]

I saw a few errors, and possibly a few commas missing, but overall it is still good

[Shep]

Nicely done it not as bad as you think. In fact I rather enjoyed it.


House keeping:
The (dog faces)

[((Teenage_Poet_Loser))]

haha omw... i try so hard to get out all of the flippen errors! tense errors... but they still slip through,,, i have spell checcker but it looks like it doesnt work.. and english isnt my homelanguage,.. so i have 13 years i think less eduaction in it than you guys! haha so yeah =D