Chapter 5

Misson Shelbyville, the crazy plan!

As soon as Shippou is better she goes home, which I’m against but she says it’s for the best. Me and her have become closer after that, and when school starts back up she starts hanging out with me and my friends. We even go shopping together, I think that Shippou has become nicer or my group of friends has become meaner. But other than Shippou nothing has change between me and my friends, where still always later for class and we bet up Shippou ex- friends when they pick on us.

Nothing really happens until May, when Kaminari parents die, but she says something really weird at the funeral. First she stands on the covens, and then she say

“Burn in hell, you maggot eating dogs. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Oh and I’m going to waste your money on something stupid and live with Kahime, what do you say about that.” One of her uncles drags her out, I smile it’s just like her to do something like that at a funeral. She does stay with us but she hasn’t decided what to blow the money on.

One night I have a sleep over, Shippou and Izanami stay over and we come up with silly ways to spend the money.

“Hey, off topic Tanshin, you’ve been a lot of places, what’s your favourite?” Izanami asks

“We’ll it would have to be, Shelbyville. Me and Kahime found a place and named it after Kahime’s dead sister.” He says smiling,

“Wow, I what to see it.” Kaminari says laughing,

 “You can’t it’s in the middle of know where. We got lost on a field trip and lived there for days until we went to get more food. I chief found as and took us home after the little food shop saw us.” I say trying to even remember where it was, then I come up with a weird idea. “Back on subject, why don’t we make Shelbyville our new home, Kaminari was left with 1,000,000 dollars. So we could buy a bus and run away to Shelbyville,” I say with a smile, everyone watching me

“We could do that but we would need more people to even survive there.” Tanshin replies, we all start smiling

“We could make a website of kids, who hate their parents, then we’d tell them when to get ready and we’d pick them up with the bus.” Shippou say and before long we decide to go through with it. Tanshin finds a cheap bus and fixes it up while me, Shippou and Kaminari start shopping for thing that will fix up Shelbyville. Izanami starts up the website and gets kids to get ready.

When we’re finally ready to go and fix up Shelbyville, Shippou’s parents find out she’s was trying to escape. I was waiting near her house when I heard her scream; I ran into her house without even knocking and found her dad beating her to a pulp. So I punched him and picked up Shippou,

“Kiara, what are you doing here?” she says when she sees me,

“I came to save you silly,” I say smiling, I look her dad in the eyes. “Now you’re the b*****d that keeps hurting Shippou, man I’m I going to enjoy this.” I know that Shippou can hit hard but she can’t fight, and since her father knows Kung Fu then I may stand more of a chance then her. “Shippou, run to the bus and tell everyone I’ll be a few minutes tops.” Shippou stares at me not knowing whether or not to go, as she finally tries to go her father stops her,

“Where do you think you’re going?” he says grabbing her arm, I quickly grab what was closest to me and hit him over the head with it. Since he is drunk he is knocked out cold, Shippou stares at me again but this time she grabs my arm and drags me outside. We run to the bus and she finally says

“Your insane, but I’m glad you’re my friend.” Everyone’s on the bus and Tanshin is getting ready to drive.

“Hey guys we have more than hundred kids that what to be picked up, I have told them it won’t be long now and their all getting ready. All we have to do is fix up Shelbyville,” Izanami says smiling.

Author's Note

Terrible grammar, and yes I love the idea of my own Shelbyville

Reviews

[DC Patterson]

Yes, grammar and spelling are an issue. Anything that distracts the reader can pull your punches.

Your dialogue is earthy and believable - you probable hear your friends voices bringing life to your characters - and that's a good skill to have. Listening is hard to do, and frequently underrated, but it's the key to realism in how your puppets dance. You are doing something right there.

I must have missed something in my upbringing as I have never felt to cast my parents as the villains - my peers yes, but not my caregivers. But writer's your age seem to delight in 'beating the crap out of adults who clearly deserve it' and I found your conflict interesting.

Where you short change yourself is in the barren landscape your action happens on. Imagine a play with only a couple of cardboard props. Now imagine a show with elaborate sets and costumes.

You are missing out on the chance to stage your action (which you do pay attention to) in a fabulous scene of color and shape. What are they wearing (fashion is a statement, and an important one)? Where are they, and what does it look like? What does fear smell like when you take on a drunk?

Words can be descriptive - but don't just give me motion, give me sound, smells, touching, etc. Build a world with your words and you will be able to express yourself to a much larger audience and connect with them at a deeper level.

Good work, keep writing! Bring more life to the great characters you have voiced.

[Weeping Willow]

Thank- you so very much. I've never been good at writting so says my sister and now I know how to impove. So thank-you