Chapter One

In a small town in Ohio lives a family that seems very common. A mother, a father, and two daughters. The father's name Jonathan, he is about forty years old, he is a rather tall man about six foot two inches or so, dirty blonde hair with baby blue eyes, and a scar on his cheek of a straight line.  Marsha, Jonathan’s wife, is a shorter woman maybe five foot four inches tall. Marsha is a thirty-eight year old woman who is madly in love with Jonathan. Marsha sees herself as a strong woman, but people who do not know her see her as a rather weak person. Marsha has gray hair but it is also a little bit of her original brown hair. Jonathan says her ruby eyes are why he originally fell in love with her. Jonathan and Marsha have two kids. Their names are Shelly and April. Shelly is seventeen years old. She has beautiful blonde hair and is a phenomenal athlete. She runs track and plays basketball and softball. Shelly is a senior in high school on track to be a professional athlete but she is currently in danger of not graduating because of poor grades and even worse attendance.  April is a fifteen year old freshman in high school. She has long dark brown hair with ruby eyes like her mother. April is currently top in her class but does no extracurricular activities. Shelly and April are close to each other. Shelly, when not home, is the popular girl. Always with her friends, but those who don’t know her that well usually stay away from her because of her resting b***h face. April has always been a loner. April would never admit it to anyone but her father is her favorite person in the world. Although Jonathan’s family is all deceased he always related to April because he was the youngest of his siblings. She struggles making friends because she failed to live up to the athletic standards her sister set. April felt growing up that she has always been in Shelly’s shadow.

The day began like any other, the girls were getting ready for school and Marsha for work. Shelly is finishing eating breakfast with her bookbag next to her on the floor. April comes out of the hallway putting her hair up in a ponytail and kisses her dad on the cheek. Shelly grabs her keys and her and April walk out the door get in the car and Shelly drives them to school. After the girls leave, Marsha moves the curtain to make sure  they are gone and turns to face Jonathan with an upset look to her.

"How much longer are we going to hide this from them?" she asks.

Jonathan replies very calmly as he eats cereal and reads the newspaper.

"Why do we have to tell them anything? The less they know the better. No need to complicate something that isn't hard." he responds. Marsha sighs and looks at a painting on the wall.

"You are an Angel, I had to accept it. And I think they will too. They are your children." says Marsha. Jonathan puts the newspaper down and the cereal bowl in the sink. He walks over to Marsha and hugs and kisses her and whispers in her ear.

"Everything will turn out how it is supposed to darling." Jonathan brushes her face with his hand and wipes away a tear.

A knock is heard at the door. Jonathan grabs Marsha a tissue and goes to open the door. When Jonathan opens the door two men and a woman are standing there. The men are in dark blue suits. Tall, muscular, and almost identical. Short buzz cut blonde hair. The woman has long dark hair, beautiful brown eyes, and a dark blue pantsuit to match the men in suits. She has a pin on her breast pocket of gold letters that are hard to make out.

"Are you Jonathan Rogers?" The woman speaks up. Jonathan nods in assurance.

"Good, Mr. Rogers my name is Susan." The woman speaks up again and smirks. Jonathan begins to look concerned. The woman named Susan continues talking.

"I am from Heaven's Department of Justice. I am here to take you in."

The men behind Susan walk in and go for Jonathan. Susan walks in and shuts the door behind her drawing a blade.

"Don't forget his w***e of a wife either." says Susan.

Jonathan begins fighting back against the men, throwing fist after fist. Jonathan throws one of the men over their couch and the other catches him in a headlock. Jonathan breaks it by slamming him against the wall Marsha runs down the hallway to her bedroom and shuts the door. Marsha starts frantically looking through Jonathan's drawers in his night stand. She finds a blade similar to Susan's and grabs it. The door is busted open by one of the men that came in the door and charges toward Marsha with a blade in hand, just like the one Marsha just found. She dodges the large man's attack and stabs him in the back with the blade. The man lets out a yell, the wound glows when she removes the blade nd he drops to the ground after bouncing off of her bed. From the main room Marsha hears a scream and runs toward the main room. When she gets there the other man and Susan are gone without a trace. But Jonathan lays in the center of the room on the rug, dead. Marsha drops to her knees instantly sobbing and lamenting out loud, emotional cries in between the tears. She buries her head into her husband’s chest Marsha begins to try and revive Jonathan but she knows very well that he is indeed just as dead as the man she killed in the bedroom. But were they really men? Or were they something else?

Reviews

[E. M. DuBois]

I have to admit, that opening paragraph was pretty bland. I’m of the mind that characters are described as they are introduced, so just throwing out the family at me right at the start but not giving me any setting for them really throws me off. You went through the trouble of describing them, then left out the background that would have reinforced their personalities that you gave them. You’re starting off in their home (I’m assuming,) which is the most intimate space for any family. It would reflect them and their characteristics, and clue us in into their hearts and souls, without you having to directly tell us.

And, honestly, your description of them isn’t really that informative, and in one instance is contradictory: Marsha is strong, so why do others see her as weak? Strength shows, even when it’s humble. It’s in the steadfast way of approaching and issue and sticking to your morals. When it comes to strength, whether physical, moral, etc. perception is reality.

As far as descriptive, I think the fight could have been a bit more, too. Didn’t really build up any excitement for me. Naturally, I’m curious to the why’s and the who’s and all, so I find myself wanting to read more. I found the lingering questions a bit unnecessary. Obviously they were not men: Johnathan is an angel, his wound is glowing blue, like the guy Marsha took out. So, obviously, they’re at least on a celestial level. I think something better could have been chosen to close out the chapter with.
All in all, it felt like the chapter gave me a little more of what I didn’t find interesting, and didn’t give me enough of what I actually liked.

There are also some formatting inconsistencies: a few paragraphs are not indented. Between the ones that are, some are further in than others. There’s a couple instances where I thing a word might be missing, too. Do you have a read-aloud function in the writing program you use? If so, listening to your story through that, I’ve found, is a major help in proofing. Your ear can catch a load of stuff your eye might miss (not saying don’t use your eyes first, though.)