Lost Memories

Chapter 25

Lost Memories

It is said you can find true peace in a child’s eyes. Yet if you were to look in mine you would find complete terror as my dreams become my awaking dreams. It wasn’t always like this. I knew the monsters, I knew where they lived, but what I didn’t understand was a pure evil that would leave me scars forever, but like I said it wasn’t always like that. For I had the chance to look into a perfect child’s eyes filled with love and happiness.

Ma had given birth to a new baby sister named Jessica; we called her little Jess for short. I remember looking deep into her bright blue eyes. Finding the perfect light of happiness that could warm the heart every time she smiled at you; turning adults into children right before your eyes. I wasn’t much into babies, but little Jess was special in her own little way. The way she smiled that lit up a room once dark or hidden in shadow, cries of laughter she brought as I held her in my arms rocking her to sleep.  Even Aunty M was more of a child than anyone else while she played with her in a sink of water coming away drenched; wondering who was doing the bathing.

If I looked hard enough back at those lost memories I would have held them tighter. For it would be the last time I would see my Aunty M so sprite and young and youthful. For in the months to come she’d be gone and my hopes and dreams died with her. The test of my parent’s power was taking its toll and wasn’t going to let up anytime soon. We had given up hope that my mother and my father would sign the adoption papers without having to go to court forcing them to do it in front of a judge. With a chance where my parents would be forced to not only to lose me, but they could lose the rest of their children as well.

Aaron would become a ward of the State it could be years before the state would grant the Downing’s petition to adopt him. Susan and Becky to would be lost to them. They would end up in a home for wayward girls until their eighteenth birthday unless a home could be found for them separating them in either case. Personally, it would serve them right, but we never got along and we still haven’t made the effort as they see things in a different light when it comes to abusive behavior. Having both unwilling to see the truth for the lies and desires of my parents while they lay the blame at my feet stating not once has my parents treated me and my brother any differently. Yet we have the scars to prove it; faded now with time.

There was also a chance everything could fall apart and my parents would win back their prize and continue their abusive behavior unchecked; until they finally without regret killed us and get away with it, with barely a slap on the wrist. Our government and foster care system is a fickle thing. We had no other choice and getting a court date in Family Court was like pulling teeth. Every piece of evidence that said my parents should not be parents, every scrap of documentation proving it came from doctors and shrinks typed up and presented and in triplicate; had to be ready before the court date could be set.

Aunty M kept copies of everything. Every treatment, every doctor appointment, and every letter my mother sent. My entire life consisted of three boxes approximate 35 five pounds of pictures notes and documents. It took almost entire year to have our turn in court. I did my best to stay strong and hopeful as I checked the days off the calendar. While my mother did her best to make things difficult into regards of home visits.

Very seldom was I ever left alone having either grandma present or Aunty M and sometimes Aunt Mary or Lizzy. Oh, how it angered my mother and father as they intruded on every visit. She absolutely hated my grandmother's side of the family; always sticking their noses in where they didn’t belong. She’d complain writing long letters to State, hoping they would step in and bar them from interfering. Yet the strong ties that Aunty M had did little to sway them.

Many times the court date was pushed back either from a document not properly filed or my parents attempt to seek more time. Stating they are in the midst of seeking treatment for the problems listed below or the simple fact the proof we needed had expired and needed updating. If only we had started the process sooner would my life be different then one I was forced into? Yes, there is very little doubt that if things had worked as they should have. I would not be here alone, wishing to end my existences. Instead, I would have had a happier life with a family that truly loved me and perhaps a family of my own.

Yet instead I am nothing to nobody. No family, no friends, not even a God I can count on as throughout my entire life he has remained silent as my parents abuse me and family and relatives disown me. During these times, I miss Aunty M and the Downing’s the most. Everyone I was close to is now gone from my life lying dead in the cold hard ground or simply moved on without me.

Aunty M seemed to get weaker as the battle continued on. In a matter month it has gotten to the point she couldn’t leave her bed as we, Ma and Pa took turns caring for her. Her son Reggie came to help, but she was to sick to leave her bed. I cried several times holding her hand watching the light fade in her eyes. Knowing soon I would be alone; having to face the monsters on my own.

It seemed each day she got weaker the stronger my mother got and I knew I was about to lose the battle. My mother thrived on others pain pushing harder to gain control of me once and for all. The lies seemed to stack higher than the truth being presented, for Aunty M was not there to fight for my well being. She died soon after writing the last letter to a friend with Pa’s help, hoping they would be able to help in our need. Finding the letter returned and unopened stating that this person had died within the last year. There was nobody left to fight. Tim Striker our friend from DDS retired making his promise null and void regarding my parent's contract with him.

To say it was lonely standing in a room with no one to bat for you, was the saddest thing in the world and the blackest day for the Downings. We were grief-stricken having lost Aunty M just days before the court date. The Mayor’s daughter doing her best-presenting evidence against my parents, a favor called in. The Mayor would have done it himself, but the courts felt it would affect the decision having been involved with our case and having a friendly relationship would put our case in jeopardy; in which we couldn’t afford.

His daughter, on the other hand, had no ties and was a very good lawyer in her own right; took our case as a favor to her father. Even though she said she would have done it anyway when it came in regards to a fight against child abuse and their abusive behavior. Jeff approved of her hands down. Stating she would go far in this life as he looked deep into her soul, saying she is surrounded with heavens light. I didn’t understand what he meant at the time until I felt the presence of evil shift in the room as we watched my parents enter the room.

Some of our best evidence had been thrown out due to “favoritism;” just for the mere fact that they were on my side alone. Stating they didn’t like my parents was enough to dismiss what they had wittiness first hand. Video or pictures made little difference as it showed clearly that my parents were, and are the abusers. Their lawyer stating these were taken without their consent and knowledge so therefore they should be dismissed as grounds of favoritism in attempts to smear his clients.

The room gasped as the verdict was given as it was dismissed so easily. Even though our lawyer tried to get the court to see reason; stating if his parents knew they were being taped or photographed would they so easily let themselves be caught, I think not. Again we were overruled. It seemed that my parents had made a deal with the devil himself. While we watched each article regarding my parent's abusive behavior been countered and twisted on unclear facts or time been served under psychologist care; making our statements mute.

Jeff was angered as he stood by my side looking at the devil, stating clearly that there is evil in the room. More so as it radiated from him; the judge seemed almost in a trace as he listened to the silk voice as if it was the sweets sound, yet it bared not a single truth behind his words. I watched as the judge tried to clear his head. His eyes clouded as the lies seemed to be held as truth and truth before him became lies or a mockery that seemed impossible as fiction. The devil smiled seeing the effect.

Jeff did his best to counter the effects by placing his hands on the judge’s shoulder. You could see the fight within as Ma glanced towards my parent's Lawyer and slowly turned her head staring at the horned devil himself. Very few people have seen what Ma and I have seen; very few people believe it even less; that the devil exists as he tries to gain our very soul for desperate favors, putting the odds in his favor. Not yours when it comes time to collect.

Is it possible to win and loose at the same time? Government currents run both ways always conflicting. The laws constantly changing, but in my case to slow as the law at the time does not give the child credence, or take them into the account in regards of what is or what was child abuse. The law does not protect the child as they should, which in turn does not allow their parents to be held responsible and accountable for their actions. It was clear as rain I was about to become a statistic; A child without a home where love could be found. I do not blame Aunty M for dyeing; instead, I blame the system and my parents. The court decided that there was not enough evidence to prove that my parents were guilty of child abuse regarding to the current laws. But giving them a stiff warning if they find they have. They will feel the wrath of the courts and be incarcerated and having all their children taken away and never returned.

If there was a plan B or a God that hears children prayers I needed it now after seeing the smile on my parent's faces after hearing the verdict. Pure evil radiated the entire room. You could feel the coldness as it brushed by you staring back at you as it shook hands with my parents. Laughing at the dismissals of strong evidence against them; as he stands once more to gain the judge's attention regarding the matter of the Downing’s and their care as foster parents, the room so silent you could hear a pin drop. My mother stands and asks the judge to release me from their care. Heads turn as they waited for the last verdict.

The Devil smiles waiting, knowing the answer restating that they have not sufficient evidence to hold me; declaring the Downing unfit to foster me in the state of Utah, while the charges have been dropped against my parents for the lack of evidence. I could not breathe, my heart pounded as I watched my home being taken away. Again it was granted yet delayed as our side countered the agreement using the proof that there is enough concern to say otherwise.

My parents turned toward our lawyer whispering as my father growled: “prove it.” Waiting as our lawyer pulls out a large folder containing pictures and documents with witness statements regarding injuries sub-stained by my parents; Noting how many foster homes they have put me in, how they have sold me to make a point and show their control over me. It was a last Hail-Mary and a gift from Tim Striker as he gives a quick nod to our lawyer.

Apparently, they have contacted every foster home and neighbors far and wide. Schools and teachers and so forth the folder was thick and heavy as it laid in front of the table. My parents began to sweat, wondering what was in that folder that could incriminate them. A motion to move forward as they are brought before the court, his eyes narrowed, his fingers gliding across the pages and stop in mid-stroke. His breath released as the audience breathes with him, waiting for the last verdict. The devil smiles as he crossed and laces his fingers, thinking how easily he had won this case.

The judge stands stating there is sufficient evidence against my parents in regards to my safety. Therefore I can not be removed until there is new and further evidence, but if the courts find there is evidence of abusive behavior or a single concern still standing, his previous verdict will be overturned; giving six months to a year to prove otherwise. It was a moment that I would relive hearing the last verdict.

Jeff and the rest of us were not in the mood to celebrate after the judgment. Even more so after reading the contract in favor of my parents stating no outside influences would be allowed in regarding home visits. I knew it had to be my mothers work as it seemed it was overlooked. It was Jeff who pointed it out. But we had no choice but to sign it or lose the battle entirely.

Pa was good when it came down to business and contracts; finding one misplaced word that contained a loophole. The words declaring the Downing unfit to foster me in the state of “Utah.”   A plan B was forming in Ma and Pa’s mind as they discussed this phrase with the Mayor’s Daughter. Stating it could be implied that the State of Utah means literally that there is a chance that there could be a place to live where this contract becomes null and void. Pa began searching anything regarding the law and was convinced yet saddens that if I was to have a chance at a real life we would have to move. Leaving our new house behind, but the house was just a shell, they could always build another.

Ma and Pa wrote to family members on her side of the family since very few remained alive on Pa side, and discovered there was a farm available in the state of Canada; putting us outside the United States and out of the government’s laws that bound us to the United States government. It would take careful planning to smuggle me across the boarder. It would also mean leaving Aaron and my grandmother behind and most likely forever never seeing them again. I was more likely to end up dead too, not much of a choice, but it was a plan B.