Letter Of Apology

Dear Valued Customer,

It was with great concern that read your strongly worded email. Typos and grade-school grammar and spelling aside, I was able to glean through vague and hostile, perhaps even racist ramblings that you were dis-satisfied with your recent visit to our establishment. I assure you, we take all our customer complaints seriously and pride ourselves in a 100% recognition that some situation, imagined or real, may or may not have occurred.

That being stated, I must address certain portions of your manifesto-like tirade. First of all (and perhaps most importantly) the "employee" "Dirty Carlos" as you referred to him is neither a terrorist nor is he an immigrant. His name is Bradley and he was born right here in good old Goldfeather. His parents were also born in our fine town. In fact, his family lineage goes back to the formation of Goldfeather. His last name is Goldfeather. Bradley's distant ancestor Old-Man Goldfeather founded this town previous to the landing of the Mayflower. 

I feel it important also to point out that Bradley was not ignoring your request for the bathroom code, nor was he intentionally blocking the restroom door causing your rather questionable decision to urinate on the wall. Regarding your accusation that Bradley was also handing our communist pamphlets, again this behavior is in no way indicative of Bradley.

Additionally, I need to point out one small, but totally understandable error in your account of the incident. Video surveillance from several locations clearly indicates that you were never in our restaurant, but just one block east at the Wells Fargo, and you were also never inside the bank. You seemed to be arguing with the bronze statue of Bradley Goldfeather which stands stoically outside the historic brick building in front of a depression-era mural of people standing in a bread line. I believe this detail may cast some light on your belief that you were in some kind of food eating place. I am still unwilling and unable to venture as to why you thought there was a restroom nearby. Banks, by nature of security, rarely have public facilities but they do have plenty of cameras.

Finally, I do not think that Bradley was holding or distributing communist propaganda. More likely you misunderstood the plaque engraved onto his suit-front pointing out the year of Goldfeather's formation as well as a few geographic points of interest regarding the place we all call home. Did you know that the town of Goldfeather in exactly one foot above sea level and continues to be so even through climate change and sea level rise? The town has raised 2 feet over the last 100 years.

In summation, I do not believe that Gladhands had anything to do with your unfortunate experience and, really you should be ashamed of your poor behavior.

Please accept this $10 gift card as our token of our apology. (I literally have to, it's a company policy)

Best regards,

Grant Ford

Manager of Glandhands LLC

Reviews

[Myra Fellows]

Completely over the top. Enjoyable.
Handled professionally.
A patient today (a plumber) shared stories of a certain group of mud and tapers who were urinating out windows and using their empty mud buckets as #2 receptacles prior to his placing the toilet and sinks at the job....No letter of apology was written for not having the bathrooms up to code to my knowledge...

[Phillip W Parsons]

Thanks. I think you'll see the descent into quarantine as the letters go on.