Letter To Excuse An Absence

Dear Principal Edwards,

Please excuse the absence of my child, Adam Parsons Friday March 13th as he was under the weather. While I appreciate the automated voicemail indicating his absence I do miss the old days when you got a call from the office. Just kidding, I was a student the last time a  secretary from the office called. Scared the hell out of me when my mom answered the phone. She just kept saying "Uhuh? uhuh?" and staring at me shaking her head like "I'm gonna kill you the minute I get off the phone you little s**t!" I thought I was gonna piss myself! I was PRETTY high at the time. I'm pretty high right now.

You ever think about the fact that if you can get an adult to write a short letter you don't have to do a goddam thing if you don't want? I wrote Adam a letter to excuse him from participating in gym. He doesn't have asthma, I just hate smelling his sweaty crack when he gets home. Disgusting! I wrote my daughter a note excusing her from the SATs, inoculations and the pledge of allegiance. And I believe in ALL those things. I guess I just got a little power-hungry. But you probably know what I mean. Who becomes a principal if their not a touch bossy. School warden, am I right?

I also wrote a note to the president of my corporation excusing me from "Regular Business Hours". Didn't go too well but then I had my mom write one and now I work 15 hours in office and "telecommute" the rest of the time from the Chili's bar while getting day-wasted!

But I digress. I've noticed you, Principal Edwards! I respect, viscerally, your dedication to your craft! This may be the pitchers of margaritas talking but I have NOTICED YOU!

My daughter Molly who also attends your prison has recently emancipated from my husband and I (Kids, am I right? [mushrooms kicking in]). My husband has also emancipated himself from me this morning, or early afternoon, whichever I woke to, so I'm back on the market so to speak. So Molly will be writing her own notes at random, or as she feels is appropriate, or at random ("Random", what a strange looking word. Needs another vowel somewhere). You have a funny chin!? Sexy,funny! Oh, did I just go there? I can't remember if I took that peyote but I best get driving before it becomes obvious...

I read an article recently that said unlimited screen time is actually creating a new species! As an educator, you must be excited about the chance to meet this new species! Visitors from another world! Unused to our pathetic mental limitations. To teach them as you have tried to do with these, our human kids. 

Server just turned into a half-lizard. No other half, just half lizard and half nothing at all! Think I better Uber it!

.

Adam's Mom

Text me! trippin

Reviews

[Myra Fellows]

I enjoyed the server turning into a half lizard. I also liked the Day drinking as Seth Meyer put out an awesome video of his family day drinking a couple years ago.
Creative and disturbing. I like how the letter deteriorated as the drugs took hold.
Fun!