Internal Letter/Memo

February 8, 1891

Board of Directors

Formula 408 Corporation

1522 E. Graves Rd.

Transyltucky, Ma.

Fine Gentlemen,

As chief scientist of the Formula 408 Corporation it is my responsibility, nay, my absolute duty to report any and all occurrences under my purview. As you all know I have been quite verbose regarding our morally questionable testing over the years but I am not here to dredge up ghost from the past. No, indeed I am now, more than ever looking to the future.

You see, my colleagues and dear friends, last night as I toiled sleeplessly in the subterranean laboratory assembling the dregs of spell-cursed plants and animal parts dispensed from the many glass jars amassed upon my apothecary table, I did notice something quite curious. In his errands, Nigel, my doltish but ever faithful assistant limped across what his simplistic mind could only have believed was a rock of charcoal. Upon spying it, my highly superior intellect recognized it to be radioactive obsidian. 

It glowed faintly in the rather insufficient gloom of the sea-cave but as the light of the full moon was obscured by some horrible wing-ed beast thought long extinct, I did stare deep into the talisman, touch its glassy surface and began to experience visions, quite realistic, of a world, a future world with horseless carriages, mechanical men and nurses who wore pants! In my mesmerization, whole worlds were revealed unto me, floors and counter-tops constructed of simulated granite! Common individuals staring deeply into small quadrangular, glass devices just as I stared into this small quadrangular irradiated stone.

Upon experimenting with the obsidian, I found it to be of multiple purpose. One moment is was a limitless photographic gallery, the next it emitted some terrible form of chamber music performed, according to the accompanying text, by an occultish ensemble bearing the name Vampire Weekend. While I found listening to the concierto quite unpleasant, it seems to have taken up residence in my mind and I can not escape its foreboding crescendo, "I don't want to live like this but I don't want to die".  Is that not our corporation's previous motto from Formula 317?

Lastly, after experiencing several pop-up advertisements and spending many frustrating hours applying my vast knowledge of language against mere pedestrians in a board-game-like application called Words With Friends, the stone began to vibrate violently. Additionally, a piercing sound emanated, shrill and un-ignorable! The stone changed color and a face appeared above the words "Karen From Tinder" and the symbol of an arrow pointing right was displayed immediately below. My keen, highly advanced mind solved the cipher immediately. Karen is a variation of Cairn, or a pyramid-ic pile of stones. Tinder, of course refers to fire. Fire to make stones, lava! Lava to form obsidian, therefor this stone before me! The arrow facing right, or west, the direction of the forest and lava pits used to sacrifice the infidels! Knowing my actions could only help to stave off the ever-approaching demons, I did swipe the arrow decrying quite loudly, "Be Gone Foul Beast! You Hold No Sway Here!"

The next is an exact transcript of the communication between the quadrangular obsidian stone and myself, as best as my superlative mind can recollect.

Obsidian stone- "Whad you just call me? JK, it's yer gurl Karen! You wanna paaarty? We're going to Applebee's bar after work. Jenny just got promoted to Assistant Manager so she's buyin'."

Myself- "By what nature to you assail me so, demon-stone?"

Obsidian stone- "Whaat? I canneven hear you. Are you, like, in a tunnel? Sounds like yer in a cave."

Myself- "Indeed I am in a cave. A subterranious lair whence I conduct my experiments outside the foolish and imaginary bounds of morality! I wield god-like power over the very constraints of nature herself on behalf of the menacing and all-powerful corporation Formula 408, whose domain stretches far and unchallenged!"

Obsidian stone- "Are you gonna Uber or drive cuz it's Fridaaaay and I'm gettin' fuuuucked uuup! Pyooo, Pyooo!"

Myself- "Wait, what day is it?"

Obsidian stone- "Duh, I just said it's Fridaaaay! Me'n Jenny gotta stop by the weed store for some edibles first so we'll be at Applebee's around 5:30?

Myself- "No! The year, gods curse you, malevolent stone! WHAT YEAR IS IT?

Obsidian stone- "You sound diff'rent. A we gonna be, like roll playing? Cuz I'm, like a nurse but I wear pants cuz it's 2020 and women can do what they want...."

Gentlemen, the Obsidian stone then shone the greenish silhouette of a mechanical man and ultimately dimmed to its original opaqueness. No more did it act in any way. I summoned Nigel and questioned him about the origin of the curious stone but he said nothing, his tongue having been surgically remove for, ironically, talking too much.

As instructed by yourselves in all matters such as this, I ground the accursed item using mortar and pestle and added it to the unholy slurry that is Formula 408. As of this morning it has had no affect that I can discern and Formula 408 grows no closer to cleaning everyday spills and messes.

Chins up, gentlemen. Know that you have the very best mind at your service. I will continue my research with complete disregard to laws, natural or conceived. Neither man nor god can dissuade me from my goal to create the ultimate ALL-PURPOSE CLEANER! THE RECIPE FOR FORMULA 409 SHALL BE MINE! I SWEAR IT!

Best Regards,

Count Viktor Clorox IV