chapter two

Chapter Two

 

  Finally finished Karliah slid to the ground with her back against a tree outside of the hut. Veldar the vicious cocked his head at her as if to ask ‘now what did you spend your free time doing that for?’

“My cousin, the Princess Karina, is coming soon, so is Charcley, her new apprentice, and the head of the Black Fox corps” Karliah said the dog. He was most likely the biggest dog anyone has ever seen, when Karliah stood up his massive head would taller than her hip.

“If Karina sees you or any of your fur she will says she’s allergic to dogs, throw a fit and leave, then poor Charcley won’t be able to get her new apprentice inducted into the Black Fox corps”

Karliah was Cenred’s second apprentice, she was thirteen, she had the bright green eyes of Stailleon-the region to the east of castle Norhail- and a bright green cloak to match.

Her hair was a very light brown that turned darker in the winter and lighter in the summer, a very small nose and high cheek bones.

Her story is very complicated, making her slightly hesitant to trust other people, even her mentor and fellow apprentices.

Her father had been king Leotull the seventh’s brother and her mother was a member of the DrippingDagger-a clan of blood-thirsty assassins based in Stailleon- a client paid her mother to kill her farther and after her mother had done the deed and was slipping away the guards caught and killed her. The client had sold her out to the chief of guard. Karliah was eight at the time and by rights should be royalty but she wanted something else, to be a Black Fox agent. That’s when Cenred took her in as his second apprentice.

Karliah stood up and brushed off her rough spun brown dress that she had cut off just above the knee and cut the sleeves at the shoulder. ‘Long dresses are a nightmare to run or do anything useful in’ she would say if you asked why she had cut it off.

Brushing back her shoulder-length hair Karliah looked at the hut, checking for anything that might set her cousin off.

It was a fairly simple hut; the bottom floor was rectangular shaped with wooden wall and a small wooden porch on the shorter side of the rectangle. Three square windows were on the side facing Karliah.

On the edge of the porch two wooden pillars helped support the second floor which was the size of the first floor with the space above the porch added on.

The roof was the most elaborate part of the whole setup; it was thatched with wooden slats in several high octagonal structures that overlapped. Cenred had explained what the eccentric roof was good for but Karliah had forgotten.

The sound of hoof beats reached Karliah but she could not yet see the carriage as it approached.

“C’mon Veldar, we’ve got to hide you!” Karliah said leading the big black and white dog towards the small lean-too and fenced area they called the stable.

Cenred, Volt and Nihco returned just as she was shutting the gate. “Ulfric and Karina are almost here!” she called to them.

“Why are you hiding Veldar?” Nihco asked trotting over to her.

“Because, Karina claims she’s allergic but if she doesn’t see him she won’t smell him because it’s all in her head” She turned to Cenred “ Thanks for letting me stay behind, if Karina saw Veldar she would throw a fit and storm off”

Cenred laughed “We all know what the princess is like when she’s angry”

And indeed they all did, so no one was eager to upset Karliah’s pompous cousin. As much as they wished they didn’t have to have her at their hut the initiation into the Black Fox corps required either the prince, princess, king, or queen to be present-there was no prince or queen and the king was too lazy to be bothered with it- so it was unavoidable.

“Any word from Charcley?” Volt asked.

Karliah nodded and pulled a rolled up piece of parchment from one of her many pockets, “Charcley’s falcon brought it here earlier today. Jakl is still in the stable”

Jakl was Charcley’s messenger Falcon, he was trained to move from point A to point B then back to point A. Point A was wherever Charcley sent him from and she had chosen Cenred’s hut as point B. If Jakl didn’t find anyone at point B he would wait two days before returning to point A with or without a reply message. If Charcley was going to move away from where she sent Jakl from in less than the number of days it would take for him to return she would write for them to hold onto Jakl until she returned.

Cenred nodded to Karliah and accepted the parchment. Volt and Nihco peeped at it over his shoulders as he unfurled it.

 

Cenred and apprentices one two and three;

 

   I am in the town of Rivendor with my soon-to-be apprentice, Mercer, we haven’t faked his death yet but don’t worry well take care of that today then make our way to your place, we should arrive late this night or early next morning.

Please keep Jakl there with you.

                           See you soon,

                                          Charcley

 

Charcley’s messy handwriting slanted across the page making them all tilt their heads to read it properly.

“That’s Charcley for you, hasn’t even killed him yet” Volt joked.

“Knowing her, she won’t turn up until midday tomorrow” Cenred said, amused by his former apprentices overly relaxed antics.

Nihco looked up, “We’ve got company” He said.

They all turned around to see Ulfric, the head of their corporation, reining in his horse and Princess Karina stepping daintily out of a royal carriage.

 

 

 

 

 

 

       

Reviews

[Tunder]

" Finally finished Karliah slid to the ground with her back against a tree outside of the hut." There should be a comma between 'finished', and 'Karliah' (cool name by the way!)
"Karliah said the dog." Just a tiny mistake, you forgot a word. Happens to the best of us :)
"He was most likely the biggest dog anyone has ever seen, when Karliah stood up his massive head would taller than her hip." I would suggest breaking this into two sentences. "He was most likely the biggest dog anyone has ever seen. When Karliah stood up, his massive head came above her hip." (Guessing about the wording because you have a missing word or something :)) I'd also recommend desribing the dog. What color is he? Long fur or dark fur? Docked tail, or ears? Muscular? Wide? Give him an image.
'“If Karina sees you or any of your fur she will says she’s allergic to dogs, throw a fit and leave, then poor Charcley won’t be able to get her new apprentice inducted into the Black Fox corps”' Don't forget punctuation! "If Karina sees you or any of your fur, she say she's allergic to dogs, throw a fit and leave. Then, poor Charcely won't be able to get her new apprentice inducted into the Black Fox corps." However, to make this easier to read, you could try something like, "If Karina sees you or your fur, she will have a fit! You know her and her imaginary allergies! She'll leave, and poor Charceley won't be able to get her new apprentice inducted into the Black Fox corps."
"Karliah was Cenred’s second apprentice, she was thirteen, she had the bright green eyes of Stailleon-the region to the east of castle Norhail- and a bright green cloak to match." This is a run-on sentence. Break it up into several, and don't rush it so much. Descriptions can be scattered throughout the chapter, or if you prefer to keep it all together, don't rush. Make it interesting. Improve your word choice. For example, instead of saying green, use emerald, etc. Using geography in your descriptions is also becoming to expected, and is a bit confusing. Elaborate too. Don't tell me it was just a cloak that matched her eyes. Is it a long cloak? Is it made of shiny fabric? Is it heavy? Is it tattered or dirty? Does it have a pointed hood? etc.
"Her hair was a very light brown that turned darker in the winter and lighter in the summer, a very small nose and high cheek bones." Again, elaborate and break this into more than one sentence.
"Her story is very complicated, making her slightly hesitant to trust other people, even her mentor and fellow apprentices." This is entirely unrelated to the story, and rather random. FInd a good oppurtunity to tell her story in a later chapter. This type of thing can frustrate your reader, and confuse them. Though, having a background prepared for your characters (I am awful at that!) is essential, so koodoos on that :)
"Her father had been king Leotull the seventh’s brother and her mother was a member of the DrippingDagger-a clan of blood-thirsty assassins based in Stailleon- a client paid her mother to kill her farther and after her mother had done the deed and was slipping away the guards caught and killed her. The client had sold her out to the chief of guard. Karliah was eight at the time and by rights should be royalty but she wanted something else, to be a Black Fox agent. That’s when Cenred took her in as his second apprentice." I'm guessing this is Karliah's background? Maybe, "Karliah is naturally suspicious of everything. Her father, a brother of King Leotull the seventh, had been killed by her mother. Her mother belonged to the DrippingDagger, a clan of blood-thirsy assassains based in Stallieon. A client had paid her to kill her own husband. After the deed was finished, and she was slipping away almost unnoticed, the guards killed her. The same client had sold her out. etc etc." Just a suggestion. Take your time, and use your fantastic descriptions! :)
"Karliah stood up and brushed off her rough spun brown dress that she had cut off just above the knee and cut the sleeves at the shoulder. ‘Long dresses are a nightmare to run or do anything useful in’ she would say if you asked why she had cut it off." The readers would not be asking Karliah why her dress was cut so short. Try, "Karliah stood up and brushed off her brown, rough spin dress that she had cut off just above the knee and at the shoulder. She claimed that, 'long dresses are a nightmare to do anything useful in!''
So far, so good. :) I like that this chapter focused on another character. Nice work! I will review the other half of the chapter hopefully soon! Hang tight and keep writing! :) ~Tunder~

[Tunder]

sorry about the length again. I hope you do not find my reviews too tiresome! You are an amazing writer! :)

[Dark Butterfly]

thanks so much!!! you are so helpful!!!

[Dark Butterfly]

yes, i do just randomly post smily faces, cus im like that lol

[Dark Butterfly]

:)