Fade (Senryu)

My attempt at a Senryu

Needle hits the ground:

Falls to his knees scared of death,

Eyes close, fade away.

Author's Note

Let me know your thoughts... first attempt I have posted. Worth a try

Reviews

[Confuser]

Aaron: Couldn't imagine trying to write 17 syllables; in addition, the content. You hit me between the eyes with a powerful write, the visual is stunning. You should be proud. Very well done indeed. To fall and be in fear of death, wow, imagery is so emotionally powerful, I'm probably silly, I'm wondering what was he writing when the pen dropped. Great writing. Thanks. Dale

[AaronFreitas]

Thanks very much Dale... the secret can't be revealed lol ... appreciate your review my friend :)

[Confuser]

You're welcome Aaron: Wouldn't help me one tiny bit! Awesome...;D

[MsJewel]

Getting emotion across in only a few words is difficult - and you have aced this one - So much power in your words, sad and haunting...

It's hard to imagine this is your first attempt. It is outstanding.

Julie

[AaronFreitas]

This is my first one I have ever posted... it's actually my second one... the first one I didn't post but didn't really complete it either. This one just kind of came to me so I went with it and to be honest didn't even know the difference between haiku and senryu lol... so first one I've ever posted :) Still brand new to me haha... appreciate your review :)

[alf]

Hi Aaron. A very worthy first attempt, may I say!!! For me, I would change only one word . . . needle meets the ground. But!!! That is only a personal opinion. Loved the intent!!!! alf

[AaronFreitas]

Thank you alf... appreciate the review :)

[B]

I read this and saw it with my eyes open
That is pure talent

Great job ..... not only that
I see a play .... starting off just like that

Amazing !!!

[AaronFreitas]

Thank you Nisreenaa... that would be a cool way to start off a play. Hmm... may have to work on that :) Thanks for your review!

[B]

Have a beautiful evening :)

[AaronFreitas]

Will do my friend... you have a great day or night... whichever it is there :)

[B]

Its 8:00 am
So lets hope a great day

Thank you Aaron .... you rock lol :P

[AaronFreitas]

Oh wow thats crazy... well have a great day :) ... and no... you rock! haha

[xbxbzdvdsv]

Nice, very short. The story behind poems are so deep, I'm assuming it was a drug overdose?

[AaronFreitas]

Yes heroin overdose... not the happiest topic to write about but lots of dark tones. Appreciate your review :)

[Pushkar Prabhat]

this is amazing.............
dark mysterious.........
i loved it!!!
:)

[AaronFreitas]

Thank you Pushkar... gave it a try and I am glad you liked it :)

[Mara]

Short and powerful write
Much thought in only a few words
Another great poem:)

[AaronFreitas]

Thank you Tee... somehow still did a dark Senryu piece haha... appreciate your review :)

[Ilerah]

Short, simple, few words... I love it. Simple and short but passionate and well written. Nicely done mate. I wish that I had this many views on my stuff, within one day. :)

[AaronFreitas]

Thank you Ilerah... I was really worried because I've never posted one of these poems and I know what I feel when I write it but the key is getting others to feel the words... especially in a short one like this. Thanks for reviewing it and thanks for your support... I appreciate you :)

[Yanina McKnight]

So simple, yet so sensitive. This is a very well-written poem, I like the subtle imagery.

In my analysis of this piece; I picture an individual amidst a struggle in his life, he is afraid of death because he doesn't know what he will face in the end. The end is a mystery just like many things in life. He is scared to let go. Soon the struggle that he faces every day consumes him. The consummation leads him to "fade away" from the world.

Thank for sharing this poem, it made me think and review some of my own thoughts

[AaronFreitas]

Thank you Yanina... I was hoping I could spark thought in people rather than it just being read and move on. I appreciate your kind words :)

[Yanina McKnight]

Writing should not only be read, but spark thought and emotion in the readers
You definitely left me thinking after I read this piece

[AaronFreitas]

Awww thanks Yanina!

[Yanina McKnight]

You're Welcome!!

[@juliza]

This poem is vague, full of mystery and very few context clues. The few words in this poem do it justice. Even though it is short and vague, this poem is still very powerful. Great poem, keep writing!

[AaronFreitas]

Thank you very much Juliza :) I tried to deliver the punch with minimal words... I'm happy with it and glad you liked it :)

[JayceeC]

Aaron, The senryu is one of my favorite forms. I like it even more than Haiku because I find more relevance in them. I see the FT has told you the difference between Haiku (about Nature) and Senryu (about human emotions or social conditions) This is heavily in the second category. You managed to paint the whole motion here and create a direct emotional hit which is actually very hard to do with Senryu. Most of the time we get the visual or the emotions but not both because they are so short with the 17 syllables. So kudos.
Strange that people who really fear death will still commit suicide. It makes you wonder if life was really that bad, or if he thought it would make it better and then when it's too late regrets the action. overall a great piece!
Jan

[AaronFreitas]

Thank you very much Jan... yeah it's my first experience with this type of poem and I was looking online trying to figure out if it was a Haiku or Senryu and I was more confused after lol... now I know thanks to great friends on here :) Yeah it is crazy... sometimes it's accidental... just trying to get the pain to ease. Appreciate your review my friend :)