Fade (Senryu)

My attempt at a Senryu

Needle hits the ground:

Falls to his knees scared of death,

Eyes close, fade away.

Author's Note

Let me know your thoughts... first attempt I have posted. Worth a try

Reviews

[Confuser]

Aaron: Couldn't imagine trying to write 17 syllables; in addition, the content. You hit me between the eyes with a powerful write, the visual is stunning. You should be proud. Very well done indeed. To fall and be in fear of death, wow, imagery is so emotionally powerful, I'm probably silly, I'm wondering what was he writing when the pen dropped. Great writing. Thanks. Dale

[AaronFreitas]

Thanks very much Dale... the secret can't be revealed lol ... appreciate your review my friend :)

[Confuser]

You're welcome Aaron: Wouldn't help me one tiny bit! Awesome...;D

[gabrielle]

You painted a very haunting image in here. The picture of a needle hitting the ground led me to think of drug addiction. Very short piece but it can evoke different interpretations.

[AaronFreitas]

Thank you my friend... I left it to where it can be interpreted how you feel but for me I was thinking overdose and addiction :) Appreciate the review Gabrielle... appreciate you :)

[KWP]

yeah wow - first thing that came to mind was the movie trainspotting when they take a hit - eye's roll back - gone - - - somewhere else for a little while - very impactful well done X

[AaronFreitas]

That is a perfect example... mind just goes to an entirely different universe. Thank you KWP I appreciate your review :)

[RiverRei]

Very interesting haiku (this is a haiku, not senryu. A senryu is a series of haikus; haiku has the one stanza 5/7/5 format which you use here). The scene is very well set; you can obviously visualize a man/boy/male using drugs via needle and overdosing. The reader can use their imagination as to whether it was an accidental or purposeful suicide as either way you can still be scared of death. You can also take it as he took just enough to help himself sleep and is just afraid of his tolerance getting so high he accidentally kills himself. Very well done, my friend. This is a perfect haiku. Makes the reader think and allows them to pull their own conclusions. Thank you for sharing it with me :)

[AaronFreitas]

haha I started this as a Haiku and was corrected that this is a Senryu not a Haiku from several people. I was told difference between Haiku and Senryu is that Haiku is nature while Senryu is emotion. Now I gotta clear it all up making sure it's right. It's the first I've heard that senryu is a series of Haikus though... I had in mind someone shooting up with heroin... that needle dropping from their arm not wanting to die but the damage being done. Appreciate the review... gotta get back to work looking up Haiku and Senryu again to see what it is... let me know what you find.

[RiverRei]

You are right, my mistake. Sorry :( I just know haiku being just 5/7/5, didn't know about the nature part. I made one about nature and was told it was a senryu so that's why I've gotten confused.

[AaronFreitas]

haha I hear ya... when I wrote it I was totally lost and got pushed the right way to learn more about it... so many different formats of poetry it starts to get confusing lol... thanks for your review :)

[Coyote Poetry]

This is what death could be. Death comes when it want. You said a lot in the short poetry. Thank you for sharing the excellent poetry.
Coyote

[AaronFreitas]

Thank you very much Coyote... death does come when it wants... no stopping it. Appreciate your review my friend!

[Coyote Poetry]

I agree and you are welcome.

[Jen]

I love this! Good visuals! It is a wonderful piece of poetry.

[AaronFreitas]

Thank you Jen.... I appreciate your kind words... brought a smile to my face :)

[Jen]

A smile! Yay! my work here is done! Its a nice piece, look forward to the next.

[AaronFreitas]

lol thank you :)

[cloakedone]

though short you can still get a good sense of whats going on .i commend you

[AaronFreitas]

Thank you my friend... it's a different format than I am used to but I like it... it's challenging :)

[cloakedone]

thats great

[Daisygirl]

Pretty emotive for three lines! Well done!

[AaronFreitas]

Thank you Daisy... I am happy the way it turned out and glad people know what I am talking about :)

[Sammyrae574]

loved it!!! thank you for sharing! Maumil is right when they say that its hard to connect with only 17 syllables, but you nailed it!

[AaronFreitas]

It is definitely difficult... wasn't sure if I could pull it off but so far it seems well liked :) Thanks Sammy I appreciate your review :)

[Nadia Gerassimenko]

I am no senryu expert, but I thought this was excellent. Very strong message for just a few words, very vivid images, very dark and haunting and despairing.

[AaronFreitas]

Yay!!!! You're back! I missed you! haha it's so nice to see your face pop up on my writing... you know I appreciate you very much :) Hope all is well

[Nadia Gerassimenko]

All is good. We moved! Got settled finally! How are you? Missed you too! Hopefully I won't be gone for too long next time :P.

[AaronFreitas]

Hopefully not... if you want to know where I've been... follow my map of writings haha... up and down... I'm good :) Went to Vegas for a weekend for my sisters bday and got to party it up! :)

[Nadia Gerassimenko]

awww my friend, sorry I missed it all. I'll be catching up. I hope you are better! And I am glad you had a fun getaway.

[AaronFreitas]

Yeah I'm good... I'm always good :)

[Briana O'Connor]

A great first attempt you have penned. This poem sparks many images, many points of view. The piece could mean many things, which makes it relatable to all sorts of readers. Nice pen.

[AaronFreitas]

Thank you very much Briana... appreciate you taking the time to read it and leave a review :)