Fade (Senryu)

My attempt at a Senryu

Needle hits the ground:

Falls to his knees scared of death,

Eyes close, fade away.

Author's Note

Let me know your thoughts... first attempt I have posted. Worth a try

Reviews

[Confuser]

Aaron: Couldn't imagine trying to write 17 syllables; in addition, the content. You hit me between the eyes with a powerful write, the visual is stunning. You should be proud. Very well done indeed. To fall and be in fear of death, wow, imagery is so emotionally powerful, I'm probably silly, I'm wondering what was he writing when the pen dropped. Great writing. Thanks. Dale

[AaronFreitas]

Thanks very much Dale... the secret can't be revealed lol ... appreciate your review my friend :)

[Confuser]

You're welcome Aaron: Wouldn't help me one tiny bit! Awesome...;D

[~]

yes yes, approved ;)
you did well my friend. such a sad topic to write about .. a soul fading away :(

[AaronFreitas]

Yes indeed moonskittles... I am so glad to see you pop up on here... I missed ya! It's been too long haha... appreciate the review my friend :)

[~]

hmmm, you need to write more :D then I will for sure pop my skittles over LOL

[AaronFreitas]

haha... Will do my friend :) Actually have one on my phone... just got to type it up on my computer then finish it up... :)

[~]

just email it to yourself, then copy and paste :) you're welcome :D

[AaronFreitas]

yeah when I write it on my phone it's all in text lingo... u... r... ur... stuff like that haha... gotta get the thoughts out as fast as I can. Problem is I have probably like 30 incomplete or unfinished once like that lol

[andrew mitchell]

Wow if this is a first look out FT. Here comes Aaron

[AaronFreitas]

Haha nah... FT is a master... I'm a student of his :) Just glad to learn from others... had it not been for FT's beautiful pieces in this format I may not have even tried it. I learn a lot on this site from people... it helps me grow :) Appreciate the compliment my friend :)

[andrew mitchell]

You are welcome Aaron

[R Smith]

great first attempt Aaron, i have tried Haiku and have to admit that the difference between that and Senryu are a mystery to me since they both appear the same in design, i should read up about it i guess, maybe you can help me with that, I think your poem is fantastic :)

[R Smith]

ok Aaron just read Maumil's review, got the answer now lol and its right you are a great artist :)

[SammMG]

For a first attempt you sure made good shot of it. Such beauty that we can make when we only have a few words to use.

[AaronFreitas]

Thank you Samm! It's not an easy format to try to get the emotion behind the words but it was fun :)

[Dara]

This is excellent! In those few short words you speak volumes.

[AaronFreitas]

Thank you very much Dara :) Appreciate your compliment :)

[ANTO]

Great first attempt Aaron. You may have found your calling in this style. Well done my friend.
:)

[AaronFreitas]

Thank you very much ANTO... appreciate you stopping by buddy :)

[Maumil Mehraj]

I realize that haiku and senryu are both very complex forms of literature and require brilliant skill...i still believe that senryu is a bit more complex as it involves emotions...it is relatively easy to write a novel and make people connect to it, but in 17 syllables, that is art! So you proved yourself to be a great artist and the poem was beautiful
Loved it!
Maumil

[AaronFreitas]

Thank you very much for your kind words Maumil... I appreciate it very much :) It is definitely difficult to make it all come together in 17 syllables. Thank you :)

[Rana]

You've made use of each single word to the full, it's come out to be a short effective and striking piece. Could totally see the guy fall after his needle and feel his fear fading with his consciousness. Exceptionally good for a first attempt.

[AaronFreitas]

Thank you Rana I appreciate your comments very much! It's definitely a challenge... a good challenge writing in this format. Makes you really search for the perfect words to tell the story. Thanks for your support :)

[Rana]

Does sound fun & you really have chosen the perfect words here.

[John Alexander McFadyen]

A very gritty subject well expressed in your first senyru!

[AaronFreitas]

Thank you very much John.... appreciate it very much :)

[sereenaoutloud]

Ok so i am new to these too but great is great and this GREAT. Well done you :))

[AaronFreitas]

Thanks Serena! I have missed you by the way!!! Appreciate your comments :)

[sereenaoutloud]

Aww missed ya too buddy! Its the gorgeous weather we are having...cant keep me in lol
Hope all is well with you and your girls!

[AaronFreitas]

haha yeah all is well... went to Vegas over the weekend!!! Had a blast! This weather is amazing :)

[sereenaoutloud]

ooohhhh Sin City....love it there. I remember the first time i went there and noticing how they have no clock anywhere inside .. (apparently others knew this but i did not) I found it fascinating...you completely loose track of time! (which is obviously their goal ) lol

[AaronFreitas]

haha yeah... Friday when we got their we stayed out til 5am the next day! It was fun... much needed break!