I Won't Say The Obvious Things

Honey, hold my hand,

Take me serious,

"Take this pain and

Call me fearless."

Baby, I'm so serious.

"Its so sweet how you never look away"

"When I'm trying to hide"

"And how you softly break

My perfect disguise"

As if I was an actor

On your stage

"You've given love,"

And packed it away.

I'll want you someday .....

"Someday."

So hold my heart,

Please take me serious.

"Take my hands and wear this...

This one ring."

Darling its our everything.

 

Author's Note

Okay so italics is her thoughts, and if the line is italicized and in quotes it's her words,
Quotes are his words,
And normal is what they are both thinking.
This is the first time I've tried anything like this, so I really need some feedback.
I hope you enjoy.

Reviews

[Raven Starhawk]

The raw emotions detailed in your lines are in essence like building blocks that ultimately create a astounding masterpiece.

[Conner Is Dead 2/14/1..]

Awwww This is sweet and priceless, Nice job :) I think tho you can either pick quottions or italics, not both might be overkill a little

[Saraplenty]

This is so fantastic! I love this last line

[Joel McCarthy]

This was a very original poem despite the word "obvious" being in the title. I did like how you mixed thoughts and the two different forms of dialogue, but I have two small issues. One is that the piece is very short, so it becomes a little confusing as to which person is speaking or thinking. Two, and this may be a solution to the first problem, is the poem's format. You may want to consider some alternate spacing for each line, or even creating a few paragraph breaks within the piece. This might help sort out any confusion a reader may have about who is speaking, especially if you're not keen on lengthening the piece.

These are just personal suggestions, you may take them or leave them. I am no expert. Again, a very nice piece. Thank you for sharing it.

[Zoe Jay]

Oh, I forgot to say, I really like the title as well, it really drew me in and it complements the poem well!

[Zoe Jay]

This is really sweet, thoughtful and tender, and I really like your unique concept and the way you executed it. Intelligently and tastefully done. Nice rhyme scheme which ties it together and gives it a light, whimsical feel which is appropriate for the subject matter. A really nice commentary also on marriage, and how it is a blend of thoughts, words, things said and unsaid, places where we agree with each other, and places where we have a slightly different approach. Great metaphorical content, but also a tender and sophisticated love poem also. Very well written!

[Breadrun]

Very meaningful and I like the interchanging thoughts, nicely flowing and all in all beautiful

[Angela]

This poem show a lot of depth. I really enjoyed the interplay, one person finishing another's thoughts. "I'll want you someday" So sad. Someone so broken but knowing healing is to come and the other part of her will be there ready to make her whole. Lovely.

[sentimental~ galore]

sorrowful but beautiful....good package of ideas...interesting idea, just seems a bit repetitive but i like that about it...i think that makes it better which worked out well for you.

[Nothing Personal]

Changing formats allow you to write beyond your typical thoughts..This one's a good exercise of that. One thing we make a mistake while writing is make everyone think like us..That's why dialogue, other POV's are important..You are bang on track with this..