Chapter 6: The Beginning

Chapter 6 of my story called 'The Third Night'.

6

 

In front of me was a crowded park, all kinds of strange people walking past each other. I took a seat at a wooden bench, the book in my right hand, the loaf of bread in my left. My stomach was rumbling loudly. Looking at the position of the sun - the sun was almost at its highest - it was probably around 12:00 am; time for lunch.

 

I removed the plastic and stuffed some bread in my mouth. I looked up at the clear, blue sky. There were no clouds to be seen. I closed my eyes and lay back against the wooden backrest of the bench. This sovereign freedom, without rules, without anyone telling me what to do. I had always dreamt of this kind of freedom, going on my own adventures, setting foot in new, uncharted territory, meeting foreign people. I wish I were like Akuma, the bravest knight in his time.

 

Thinking about Akuma’s adventures generated a sudden desire to read. I stared at the cover for a few moments: the beautifully written title, the burgundy cover, the ancient look it had. The book looked very old, although it probably wasn’t really old. I carefully flipped the cover, which caused some dust to escape into the air.

 

The letters written on the once white paper suddenly started to blur. I shook my head and looked around, but my environment was only getting vaguer. Everything around me gradually turned into pixels. I tried to stand up as a sudden dizziness struck my head. There was no time to panic, as I had lost the control over my body. I felt my body falling lifelessly to the ground, but instead of a painful landing on the hard surface, I only heard a soft blow as my body hit the ground. I was left with the purest darkness.

 

Quite disoriented by what had just happened, I shook off my fear and continued going forward. I didn’t know whether this hallway was finite, I didn’t know what the purpose of going in here was. But something told me I had to go in here.  

 

The carpet below my feet muffled the sound my foot made as it hit the ground. One of the few audible sounds around me was the quiet sound of my own breathing. I’d never experienced this kind of silence before. If it wasn’t for the eerie atmosphere in this place, the undead paintings on the wall and the huge statues, I would actually enjoy being here.

 

What was remarkable, it seemed as if only part of my senses were working properly. For some reason I couldn’t tell whether it was cold or hot in this place. I inhaled some of the thin air: nothing. Everything had a certain smell, but not in this place: the air was odorless. I wondered whether the atmosphere contained oxygen. Maybe I didn’t even need oxygen in this place.

 

 Wrong, my senses were still working finely. A sharp pain struck my body as I was pushed back by some invisible force. It seemed as if I had walked up against a transparent door. Sitting on the red carpet, disoriented by the abrupt pain, I touched the spot on my head which had apparently hit something really hard. But, to my amazement, there was still a great nothingness in front of me, still an infinite hallway going on forever and never ending. I stood up and stretched out my hand in front of me, further and further, when my hand was stopped by an invisible wall. I pushed it, but it wouldn’t give in. I pushed harder, to no avail. I pressed my body against the wall, but still without any result.

 

Then, as if I had pressed a hidden button, a brick wall slowly appeared in front of me. The hallway was not infinite anymore: it had turned finite. Right in front of me were two immense doors, each with a round, golden doorknob attached to them. The doors had the same colour as the red carpet below my feet, but with a darker hue. I grabbed both doorknobs and took a deep breath. This was the moment: would the doors open if I pulled the doorknobs? What if they didn’t give in? Was I doomed to stay here, to starve to death?

 

I stood there, in front of the door, my entire body was ready for action. My legs positioned steadily, my arms stretched out, ready to pull as hard as they could, my heart pumping blood and supplying my body oxygen and nutriciens. Adrenaline was running through my veins.

 

I pressed the play button: I pulled as hard as I could. Nothing. I pulled another time, to no avail. I pulled another time, and another, and another, but still nothing happened. The door wasn’t moving a single inch. I sat down against the door in despair, I felt tears flooding my eyes. I hid my face in my hands. The door didn’t open.

Author's Note

Finally, here it is, chapter 6! I hope you enjoy it! :)
All suggestions, comments, criticism and recommendations are very much appreciated.

Reviews

[Lavorther]

First of all, sorry it took me so long to review this. Anyway, good chapter. I'm glad you returned to the book, and the strange hallucinations/nightmares have returned. You did a really great job describing his feelings when he was sitting on the bench, enjoying the freedom. It was really clear how he felt, you described the feeling really well.

Some suggestions:

"I took a seat at a wooden bench, the book in my right hand, the loaf of bread in my left."
I kinda wonder where the book came from. I believe the last time it is mentioned was in chapter 3, before he was running away from those bullies. In the meantime, it isn't mentioned at all. As far as I know the protagonist doesn't have a backpack or something like that, because he carried the book under his arm when he went to show it to Chris. Wich would mean that he has had the book under his arm or in his hands the whole time, yet this isn't mentioned anywhere. I feel like there should be some references to the book in the previous chapters, like putting it on the seat next to him in the bus, for example. I had completely forgotten he was even carrying it with him. You could also just add a something like "the book I had carried with me all this time" into this sentence as well, but while it is more work, I think it would be better if you added a few small mentions of the book in the last two chapters.

"The book looked very old, although it probably wasn’t really old."
I feel like you could slightly improve this sentence by removing the "really old" at the end. Just a suggestion, but I think that would make it just a bit better.

"But something told me I had to go in here."
You ended the last sentence with "in here" as well. It's often a good idea to add some variation, like "go there", or "go further", for example.

" Wrong, my senses were still working finely."
"finely" means skillfully, subtle, or delicate. Neither of those really fit this sentence, and I think just "working fine" would be better here.

You're getting better and better, it's really fun to see you improve :)

[Mister T.]

First of all, lots and lots of thanks for your invaluable feedback. Really, I think you can write whole essays on just one piece of writing. It's amazing that you're so determined to help me - and other writers - with your immense reviews. And, if you were wondering, you're doing a great job on that :)
As for the mistakes/suggestions, I'll take a look at them and do some editing.
Don't mind your late response. I can wait for weeks for reviews like these. Do whatever feels good, whenever it feels good. :)

[Lavorther]

I'm really happy my feedback is appreciated. It does take a bit more time than just writing "good job", but I personally get enough of those, and know how valuable and important it is to get some constructive criticism. I also just automatically notice things like that while reading, whether or not I want to, so it's not a lot of trouble to write them down.

[monkeyS]

I've been waiting for so long on the next chapter! I'm really happy it's finally here and I really love it.
Well done! Again ;)
I'm already really curious about the next chapter. Hope you find the time to write further very soon!
Good job! :p

[Mister T.]

Ah, I see, thank you for your review, MonkeyS ;)