Ballade for Denial

Ballade

Should you attempt to ease my pain,
take warning, mine's a toxic brew,
with any spillage sure to stain
and burn its noxious way down through
those armored plates protecting you,
concealing that soft heart beneath,
a treat this beast will slowly chew...
the hopes left stuck between sharp teeth.

My dark mind's torn and hardly sane,
left barren since her love withdrew,
and charities would but profane
those memories I hold askew,
those cloudy thoughts of love so true,
those daggers hid in yearning's sheath
that slice when others misconstrue...
the hopes left stuck between sharp teeth.

Go hang from your damned sugarchain
of coaxes meant to help renew.
There are no passions to regain.
There's nothing left here to imbue.
My shattered rose rejects your glue.
It's not a blossom for your wreath.
So, toss your thoughts of breaking through...
the hope's left stuck between sharp teeth.

And, if a doubt remains as to
the character that's underneath,
then tease my shell and watch me spew
the hopes left stuck between sharp teeth.

Author's Note

I let the idea of writing a ballade tumble around in my head for about a week, then wrote it all in one late night go. Why did a monster pop out?
Please let me know what you think.

Check out this link for an explanation of the ballade form and a lovely poem.
http://www.writerscafe.org/writing/RichardJ/1619403/

Reviews

[Bacchus]

impressed

I think I have some good stuff- but to make good stuff with boundaries... how the hell do you do it.
this is a tight piece

the rose and glue part was the only spot where i felt the flow change...
but it was a memorable visual and i liked it at the end (I'm really picky about people writing about another rose, but yours- was great.)

there is truth that people are out there to devour
bloodthirsty
headed for their horrible desire to destroy
or looking for some kind of revenge

you captured these images well
i think the first two sections are your strongest.

[mattavelli]

Hello, Bacchus. Thanks for reading and the feedback. :)
I rarely have anything worth writing about, so when I do, I like to jazz it up. Haha
I enjoy trying the various forms of poetry.
I know, roses are cliche to the point of corny. Haha... I plead no contest.
Can you explain the change in flow that you noticed in that section?
This poem is fiction, in that there is no lost love that I'm clinging to. The core emotion, denial, is really an expression of how I feel when I stub my toe. It's such a stupid way to cause a shocking pain. I get angry with whatever my toe struck and anyone who might show interest before the pain goes away. When I applied that feeling to this character, he came alive for me.

[Joshua Marshall]

Amazing poetry you have here! Very well written.

[mattavelli]

Thanks for reading. :)

[Matching Socks]

I think you already know you knocked this one out of the park.
Great work.

[mattavelli]

Thanks, Ana. :)
Ya, I like this one a lot. The first stanza is a conditional statement. Do you think I should change the "will" in line 7 to "would"? When I wrote it, I thought "will" made it more menacing.

[Matching Socks]

That's a good question. If you say 'will' then it makes it a definite statement. If you say 'would' then it implies the beast would possibly but might not. To me, "will" sounds better. Fits better with theme of the poem and also more menacing as you've said.

[mattavelli]

Thanks, Ana. :)

[Matching Socks]

Anytime. :)

[Osephyr]

It is evident that you know your way around crafting poetry: word choice, rhyme, and use of refrain, imagery. Among that strength, here is where I nitpick to conjure the illusion of constructive criticism, the line "Those cloudy thoughts of love so true" and it's subsequent rhyme feel weak compared to other rich lines. Wonderful poem, keep at it and you'll become a great wordsmith, I'm sure.

[mattavelli]

Hi, Osephyr, thanks for the feedback. :)
With those three lines -
"those memories I hold askew,
those cloudy thoughts of love so true,
those daggers hid in yearning's sheath"
- I wanted to shift the tone from confusion to pain/anger. I used the whimsical "cloudy thoughts" as a contrast to give the "daggers" a more vicious feel. Did it work? Do you have a suggestion? Thanks again.

[Osephyr]

I see what you mean and maybe I should have been more specific why I thought the line was weak; I meant that the lines I mentioned are weaker in contrast to your others particularly because "so true" and "misconstrue". It's not exactly a strong rhyme and I think "so true" is very common used and not exactly a strong way to end any line. I see what you want to do for the transition; however the next line after the transition to pain/anger is "that slice when others misconstrue" which seems more like a mixture of both confusion and anger. Stronger would be:
Line 1: confusion
Line 2: a mixture of the two
Line 3: pain/anger
I'd say that the clear transition happens at the beginning of your third stanza which I believe is perfectly fine, I don't see why you'd want to have the transition near the ending of a stanza. I don't know if there is any relation to the imagery of cloudy thoughts making the imagery of a sheathed dagger more vicious (perhaps more imposing) but like I said I think the transition happens more at the beginning of the third stanza where the language is more explicitly angry; I wouldn't worry about that if I were you. Sometimes the author what's something a certain way for a specific effect but end up achieving it another way so it's all good.
Back to what I mentioned before: I suggest changing the end of the line 13 and maybe line 15. I think line 15 would work well with a different rhyme but the best I can think of myself to replace "so true" would be something like "withdrew"; maybe you can think of something better or maybe you decide that you like it as it is. After all the author is the sole decided of what they write. I hope I was more clear and that I helped you even if a little. Good luck!

[mattavelli]

Hi, Osephyr, thanks for the suggestions. I'll think on it a bit. :)

[Bella A.]

Great work, very impressed

[mattavelli]

Thank you, Bella.

[M. L. F.]

ADORE THIS....

those armored plates protecting you,
concealing that soft heart beneath,
a treat this beast will slowly chew...
the hopes left stuck between sharp teeth.

AND....

My dark mind's torn and hardly sane,
left barren since her love withdrew,
and charities would but profane
those memories I hold askew,
those cloudy thoughts of love so true,
those daggers hid in yearning's sheath
that slice when others misconstrue...
the hopes left stuck between sharp teeth.

ANDDDD.....


Go hang from your damned sugarchain
of coaxes meant to help renew.
There are no passions to regain.
There's nothing left here to imbue.
My shattered rose rejects your glue.
It's not a blossom for your wreath.
So, toss your thoughts of breaking through...
the hope's left stuck between sharp teeth.

I rarely use the word incredible, but I am gonna unleash it here....

INCREDIBLE work!! I love the repeating stanza, quite powerful... The general sentiment of of the work is just pow...... I love power poetry, and you sure swung this one right in Miss, whoever's jaw... (metaphorically speaking of course)... Great work....

[mattavelli]

Thank you, Ms. F. This is an encouraging review. :)

[M. L. F.]

Mmmm... reading this one again... tis one of my faves.

[mattavelli]

Hello, Ms. F. :)
Thanks for the spot in your library. What are your other favorites?

[M. L. F.]

Hmm... Anything and everything from another author here named "Takeshi Yamada"... Incredibly talented in fiction, which I mainly care for, and "Robert J Waguespack" ..also wonderful at fiction... Friends on the site and authors here I can honestly say I enjoy working with and consistently respect their work! You should check them out.. I bet you would like it... :)

[M. L. F.]

I told Takeshi about this poem.. He will love it too.. :)

[M. L. F.]

The poet who never disappoints ever, he is published as well, is "David Lewis Paget"... His poetry tells a story... "narrative poetry"... and it's always pretty insane. You have probably read him though, if not you may like his stuff too..

[mattavelli]

Thanks, I'll check them out. :)
I haven't been reading stories lately.

[Reflection]

Your flow and storytelling imagery................ Impeccable!

[mattavelli]

Thank you, Reflection. :)

[Linda Marie Van Tassell]

Wow! Love's egress has a sharp bite! I love the fluidity of the poem, and I also love the reflection of hurt turned into anger. Beneath the choppy waves, I sense a lot of heartache buried deep within the silence. Very nicely penned.

[mattavelli]

Thank you, Linda. :)

[Spencer Barker]

I found this work very interesting, indeed. Very flowing and has very good imagery. Great work!

[mattavelli]

Thank you very much. :)

[Oydrin]

The honesty is quite ferocious. Just out of curiosity, why is the word denial in the title, in spite of its message sir?

[mattavelli]

Thanks for reading, Oydrin. :)
The poem is a description of someone doesn't want to accept a loss.