Redeemed by Another - Prologue

Redeemed by Another - Prologue

A Chapter by MBarnes

This takes place ten years before the story. This is when you meet the main character.

"Elvira, where are you?" a voice yelled from far away.
         "I’m with the irises," she shouted as she ran in the direction of the voice, "I’m coming, mother." 
         "You better not have been in them again, menina." Her mother said still a long ways off. 
         "Nye, mother, I was just weeding them." 
         "Child, that’s the gardener's job. You better not be dirty." 
Elvira stopped just out of sight of her mother and looked down at her dress. It’s not as bad as last time. She then quickly brushed off as much dirt and mud from her dress, and wiped off her face with her hand. Leaving her face in worse condition than before. There, all better. She turned the corner and walked into the courtyard, "Mother, I’m here..." She was stopped short by the sight of a dozen people staring at her. 
         "Elvira, look, you’re a mess." 
         "This lovely little lady is my youngest. She has a fascination with irises." Her father introduced her to his guests. 
         "Irises are a wonderful creation that can hardly match as beautiful of a lady." One of the young men said as he bowed to her as though she was a princess. 
         "Thank you, sir, irises are my favorite flowers, but my father told me that I have not yet bloomed." Elvira said as she curtsied. 
         "It is hard to imagine you more beautiful then you already are." 
         "Thank you, sir, you’re so kind." 
         "Come on, child. I’ll take you inside to clean you up." One of the maids whispered as she led Elvira away from the group. 
         Elvira’s father ask as she was guided away by her maid, "Now, Lord Andrew, how about you tell us about Lancaster"

menina = girl in Portuguese

© 2011 MBarnes

Author's Note

You will see you importance of this part later.

My Review

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Suggestion: "Irises are a wonderful creation that can hardly match as beautiful of a lady." One of the young men said as he bowed to her as though she was a princess." Change to: " "Irises are a wonderful creation that can hardly match the beauty of a lady," one of the young men said, as he bowed to her, as though she were a princess."

Except the above paragraph, perfect spelling and grammar!

Prologues are risky. In another book (not on this site) I tried it and nobody understood anything! Reviewers proved that their understanding of the story was totally off. For example, now I don't understand why her mother speaks part English, part Portuguese. If you have to say "You will see the importance of this part later," it's not a good omen!

My guess is that a Prologue either hooks a reader or turns him/her away. Therefore, you have to give them something shocking, curious, riveting. I am not sure that a menina weeding irisis does what you need here . . . .

Wiping her face with her dirty hands is a nice touch. Yes, children do that sort of thing. It's funny when they do it and funny in your story!

Posted 5 Years Ago

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1 Review
Added on March 21, 2011
Last Updated on March 21, 2011



Near Kearney in a small town, NE

I am 27 and have been writing since in was 14. I love writing historical fiction and poetry. I sometimes do fan fiction but that is not very often. Anything History especially the middle ages, read.. more..