Redeemed by Another - Part 1

Redeemed by Another - Part 1

A Chapter by MBarnes

Deceit Proverbs 10:9 He who walks with integrity walks securely, but he who perverts his ways will become known.

Part 1
10 Years later

         “Elvira, hurry we’re going to miss it all.” A light hair lady whispered to her friend.
         “I am coming, Isabel.” Elvira whispered back as she climbed out of the window and down to the ground below. “I had to make sure everyone was asleep.”
         “Hurry, I think someone is coming.” Isabel said as ran for a nearby leafy bush and was followed by Elvira.
         “Who was it?”
         “I think it was Mabel”
         “Did she see us?”
         “I don’t think so.”
         “We better get going before we miss the whole dance.” They darted pass the walls to where their horses hide in the shadows, and mounted quickly. She had bribed the guard to conveniently stand out to sight of the back gate. Isabel provided the horses by the same means.
          When they arrived at the dance there were people everywhere. Everyone there was about their age. Elvira and Isabel quickly stepped into the middle of things and soon they were enjoying themselves.


         The dance has been carrying on for hours. Trent is handsome and the son of an Earl. What a surprise that he came to a dance that common people would attend. I am sure that his parents do not approve. That does not matter. What our parents do not know will not hurt them. I guess not too surprising since I am also of nobility, but I don’t think he knows who I am. He thinks I am a peasant. I cannot believe that he has danced with me this long. I have on seen dance with any of the other ladies. He has to be very interested in me.
         “I think I’m going to suffocate it I don’t get out of here.” Trent whispered in Elvira’s ear. “There are too many people in the small barn."
         “Aye, I do agree.”
         “Follow me. It’s a nice evening for mid-spring.” Trent didn’t wait for an answer. He grabbed her arm and pulled her through the crowd and outside. “This is much better. Do you want to go for a walk?”
         “Yes, I would love to.”
         “I know a great place we can go and talk.”
         “I would very much enjoy a good talk.”
         They walked for awhile until we came to a small building next to the woods.“This was my father's favorite place to come when he visited the Earl of this area. He came here when he want to get away. It is really nice inside. It is something I think you would enjoy.” He said as he opened the door and held it for Elvira to enter. She walked in slowly.
         Something is not right. Why are we here? 
         Trent followed and closed the door behind him. “Let us talk about you, Elvira, and about your beauty.” He said as he lit a small lamp.
         “Please, Trent, I am not really that beautiful.” She said trying to hind the fact that she was blushing.
         “Yes, you are, Elvira.” Trent said as he kissed her gently on her lips…


         Elvira slipped out of her bedroom and quietly tiptoed through the hall. Mixed feelings fill her as she came near her freedom. I have just a few more steps. 
         "Elvira, please, don’t go." A familiar voice whispered.
         Elvira turned around to see her sister barely visible in the moonlight. "What are you doing still up?"
         "I am stopping you from hurting yourself." Mabel said as she blocked Elvira's path. "You can't go to another dance. I don’t want you to go. Isabel told me about last week. She said you left the dance with a man and you went by yourself. Ladies do not go unchaperoned with a man." With every word she became louder. "We also don't go to dances in barns."
         "Mabel, someone might hear you." Elvira rushed to her sister to quiet her.
         "Come back to bed and I will be quiet." She said as she stepped back from her sister.
         "No, nothing bad will happen to me." Elvira tried to push pass her sister but failed.
         "Elvira, do you remember what happened to Lady Merissa?"
         "No, I don't and please move out of the way. I am already late." This time she managed to push her sister to the side.
         "Wait, listen, she had a love affair with another woman's husband. They were found out and the wife annulled their marriage. Lady Merissa was ordered to marry the man she ended up raising his children who hated her for what she did."
         "Don't worry about me. I can take care of myself."
         "But I do. Sneaking out at night with your friend, Elvira, will only end badly. Please, go back to bed." 
         "I will for you, sister." She followed her sister to their rooms, but only to slip out again awhile later to meet Trent.


         "I was wondering if you had forgotten about me." Trent greeted her with a kiss and guided her into the small hiding place.
         "No, I had an unexpected delay."
         "Oh, what was it?" he said with concern in voice.
         "My older sister would not let me leave, sorry," Elvira was trying to keep the annoyance out of her voice.
         "There is no reason to apologize to me. All that matters is you are with me. I am glad you were able to get here. I was missing." Trent said as he pulled her close to him and kissed her again.
         "...don't worry; I would never do anything to harm you. I will take care of you always."


          I am going to have to tell him, but what if he does not agree to marry me? Elvira was about to open her door when she heard a light knock. She opened it slightly.
         “Where are you going?” Her sister, Mabel, whispered as she forced her way inside.
         “What do you mean?” Elvira replied. I hope she does not notice my clothes.
         “You are dressed in a peasant’s dress, and getting ready to leave. Do not lie to me, sister. You do not want me to get our parents involved.”
         “Please, Nye, I am only going to go be with Isabel.” She said having to turn her face away from her sister. I hate lying to her, but she will not understand.
         “You are lying to me. Isabel was taken to her betrothed today. Did you not know?”
         Elvira stood there speechless. Isabel is gone? "Why do you lie to me? She said nothing to me. She would have told me." 
         “I do not think she even knew that she was going today. It seemed like her uncle told her none of the details.”
         Then it was true my friend was gone to be married to a foreigner. Isabel had once told her that being King Marc niece came with it certain duties. Marriage to a complete strange was one of them. “I have to go and think.”
         “You are going in the middle of the night? It is too dangerous to go at night.”
         “I am going and I will be fine.” Elvira said as she opened her window.


         She stopped just out of site of the small building were Courtesy Earl Trent of Durby was waiting. What if he rejects me? I will have lost a friend and a lover in one night. I will be left alone to deal with this situation. What am I saying? Of course he will not reject me. He said he loved me. Right? She pace back and forth; was trying to come up with the words to tell him.
         "Elvira, what are you doing out here?"
         "I-I ha-have to te-tell you so-something," stammered Elvira as Trent put her close to him.
         "Alright, but wait till we get inside." he pulled to her to their meeting place and light the candles. Trent then pulled her close to him and asked, "How, what is it you wanted to tell me?"
         “I am going to have your child.” Elvira whispered in Trent’s ear. He gave no reply. Elvira stared at him, puzzled. "Say something."
         He stepped back from her a few steps and replied, "What am I suppose to say? Why should I care?"
         “What do you mean? You said, that if I were to become with child, you would marry me.”
         “I cannot marry you.”
         “For one, you are a peasant and another I am betrothed.” He said as he turned from her and walked to the window.
         “Excuse me?”
         “You heard me.” Trent shouted as he started for the door.
         “How long have you been betrothed?” She shouted as she stepped in front of Trent.
         “I have been betrothed since I was a child.”
         “You were betrothed when you made me the promise.” Shocked and puzzled she barely managed to sit on the nearest chair.
         “I have never been good with keeping my promises. I always seem to break them. Elvira a marriage between us would have never been accepted. You should have known.”
         “Do not treat me like a low peasant. My father is a respected man.” Elvira said as she stood up and pulled Trent back into the room.
         “Not anymore when everyone finds out that he cannot control his own daughter.” Trent yelled as he pushed her away from him.
         Elvira knew that what he was saying was the truth, but all she could do was stare at him. She did not want to see him again. Elvira ran out of the building. She ran until she was exhausted.Why did he lie to me? She sat down on the bridge that overlooked a small creek. He said he loved me. The tears started to fall down to the water. I did not know he was betrothed. He was so caring before. Now he acts like none of this is any of his problems. Trent just wanted me to be his source of pleasure. How could have I been so stupid? How many other ladies has he betrayed in this same way? I hope I am the only one. No one else should have to go through this. No one should be treated like an animal. He said he...

© 2011 MBarnes

Author's Note

In some spot it may seem that I was just trying to get this down. This is a rough draft.

My Review

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Line one: "a light hair lady" should be "a light-haired lady" Suggestion: Specify. Blond? Name the color.

Line nine: "pass" should be "past" "hide" should be "hid" Suggestion: I doubt the horses are hiding of their own free will. Suggested re-write of this sentence: They darted like silent arrows through the air to the horses hidden in the shadows. Obviously they are going to ride the horses; you don't need to include that they are going to mount the horses.

I decided to stop going line by line. There are simply too many grammar issues. I think that the premise of the story is good. I find it compelling. However, there are a number of improvements that are necessary. First, the grammar errors are not simply an issue of mechanics. They disrupt the flow of the reading ad greatly detract from the reader's experience. They distract from the tone and the mood you are trying to create. Most of the errors involve issues with tense. Uniformity within a sentence, within a paragraph, is crucial. Past? Present? Future? It needs to match. Tenses are not interchangeable.

Another suggestion that I would like to make is that there needs to be more description. I can't see the characters. I should be able to see them. But there is no mental image. As a reader, I need to connect with the characters. But I don't. By the end of the chapter, I don't really care about her situation. By this point, I should. Otherwise, what is going to motivate me to read the rest of the book?

I am new to this site and this is the first review I have written. So, I hope I have not offended you in any way. I am also a former English teacher, so my review may be more critical than some. I hope that you will find my suggestions helpful.

Posted 8 Years Ago

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Added on March 21, 2011
Last Updated on March 21, 2011
Tags: Middle, Ages, medieval, period, love, acceptance, forgiveness, Redeemed by Another, Redeemed, Another



Near Kearney in a small town, NE

I am 27 and have been writing since in was 14. I love writing historical fiction and poetry. I sometimes do fan fiction but that is not very often. Anything History especially the middle ages, read.. more..