Part VII: Changes Year -1

 

Part VII: Changes 

Year -1 

February 20, 2007 

Dear Diary: 

     So, I got back in touch with Francine, which is awesome, it’s been years since I heard anything from her, and we’re going to hang out tomorrow, so that’s exciting. So, I’ve decided I’m going to loosen up, I’m sick of this s**t. I’m tired of being so good all the time, the sexual frustration is rearing its ugly head and I can’t wait until marriage any longer, and I promise this has nothing to do with what happened between Lois and Nicholas, it was a decision I came up with on my own. I figure if I’m going to be in a relationship, I don’t see the harm in letting myself have sex if I’m together with that person, after all, they could end up being the one I marry anyway, who knows? Anyway, tomorrow’s the big night where I get to hang out with a friend I haven’t seen in years. I’m not gonna lie, I’m a little excited. It’ll be a relief to have someone other than Michael to hang out with. Well, I’m gonna go, good night. 

     The next day, Sandra is messaging Francine over the computer when there’s a knock on the door. Sandra opens it and sees a short, fat woman with round glasses. “Hi, I’m Erica.” 

     “Who?” 
     “Francine’s friend, I’m here to pick you up, she’s back at the house, she sent me to get you cause she’s currently busy. Anyway, you ready?” 

     “Oh, yeah, uh, sure.” So they drive and go to a bar where there’s a tattoo party going on and Francine is getting a tattoo on her leg of two speakers connected by a beating heart. “Whoa, awesome, Francine, I love it, and how are ya?” 

     “Good to see you too, Sandy, and thanks, I’m good.” 

     “Didn’t expect to end up here.” 

     “Yeah, sorry I didn’t tell you.” Her tattoo finishes and they head back to the house where there’s a case of beer on the table. They crack it open. Two beers in, Francine breaks out a bong and stuffs it. “You’re not gonna snitch, are ya?” 

     “Hell no, I was hoping you’d have some.” 

     “Haha, whattt? Little miss perfect ain’t so perfect anymore?” 

     “Well, I found out it’s good for my epilepsy, so, why not? Besides, it feels like how I did when I was on Phenobarbital, kinda. Not as strong, but close, while this lasts four hours, Pheno lasts twelve.” 

     “Good to hear you’re cool.” 

     “I’ve always been cool, but I still love doing the right thing, I’ll never stop trying to do the right thing.” 

     “Well that’s good and all, but in the eyes of the law, you’re a criminal.” 

     “You’re only a criminal if you’re caught, and I don’t intend on getting caught. Besides, the law is stupid, there’s no reason to make a plant illegal, now pass that s**t.” 

     “Wow, you’ve really surprised me.” 

     “People change, it happens.” 

     “I ‘spose you’re right. You ever trip, man?” 

     “Man?” 

     “Yeahhhhhh, mannnnn” She says slowly, dragging it and lowering the volume. 

     “Uhh, no.” 

     “Here, take this tab, when was the last time you ate?” 

     “As of now… seven hours.” 

     “Here, this should be enough.” 

     “Are you- I don’t know if I should.” 

     “Whatever, you don’t have to if you don’t-“ 

    “I always have wanted to go on a trip though.” She takes it and lies down. After a few minutes, the room around her gets darker and she hears a voice, female and light. She descends in front of Sandra, a pale white woman in all black and black hair. 

     “Life as you know it is over. Curses will be laid, the reaper, hired. Watch as the candles brightening your room go out one by one, darkening it. Find more candles to help you see before you end up living in darkness. Stars are the brightest lights. Find one and you’ll never be in darkness again. Don’t mistake a campfire for a star and don’t mistake a star for a campfire. Your protective shell will soon crack, exposing your innards, making you more susceptible to disease, fight against it. Just because you’re exposed doesn’t mean you have to be vulnerable. Love is the most powerful drug on the planet, please use it wisely. Rather than tell you a punch is coming, you’re going to get sucker punched, a lot at first, and then spread out.” 

     “What? What are you telling me? None of this makes any sense at all. Man, this must be some good stuff.” 

     “You’re organs will be ripped out of your body in front of you, stomped on, urinated and defecated upon, and you’ll have no choice but to clean yourself up and get back to work. Grieving is healthy, but don’t obsess. Move on.” 

     “Nobody died, am I going to die?” 

     “Beware the witches, they aim to ruin lives, cast them out of your life before you are betrayed and hurt. Seek instead a foil and a companion, only then will the curses end and the witches will have no choice but be miserable together.” 

     “I don’t know any witches, what are you talking about? I’m not following here, I’m just, rolling so hard.” 

     “Once the seal is broken, the curse will begin and you will have obtained the power of the rouge.” 

     “What curse?” 

     “We will meet again soon, but whatever happens, do not give up.” 

     “What? What do you mean? What’s going to happen?” She wakes up, and sees it’s an hour later. “What the f**k just happened?” 

     “You passed out.” Francine says. 

     “That was nuts!” 

     “How are you feeling?” 

     “I’m not high anymore.” 

     “Well, lemme fix that.” She packs the bong and Sandra hits it and passes it back. “No, it’s yours, I’m still good.” 

     “Oh, awesome, thanks. Can I get a drink?” 

     “Sure, in the kitchen.” Sandra goes to the kitchen and sees Erica rolling quarters of weed in baggies. 

     “Holy s**t.” 

“It’s a living.” She says. Sandra exits the kitchen. She comes back with a drink in her hand. 

     “You want any more beer?” 

     “Yeah, sure.” She starts drinking again. 

     “Pizza’s here.” 

    “Sweet.” The whole rest of the night, all they did was smoke, drink, and eat pizza while listening to some music Sandra had never heard before but was enjoying. The next morning, Sandra wakes and bakes with Erica and Francine and shortly after, Erica’s mom is at the door, and Sandra recognizes her as her former math teacher. “I didn’t know your mom was Mrs. Z.” She whispers over to Erica. 

     “You didn’t know that? Haha, yeah.” Erica says. They are made to go outside and chip away at the ice. 

     “Didn’t see my day going this way.” 

February 22, 2007 

Dear Diary: 

     I just had the freakiest night of my life. Ok, so it was really awesome hanging out with Francine and her friend Erica, we partied the whole night, it was amazing, and I tripped for the first time ever and it blew my mind. I didn’t understand any of it, but it didn’t sound good. I don’t remember much, but I remember I had to watch out for witches or something, I don’t know, the whole thing was crazy. I remember feeling scared but at the same time I felt how high I was and I felt like I could just float too. The lighting in the room changed brightness which was weird, but mostly it stayed dark, and some lady was talking to me. Oh, well, I’m sure it’s nothing, besides, who ever heard of curses and witches and stuff, that stuff’s not real. After we woke up, Erica’s mom showed up and I was shocked to see who it was, it freaked me out that a former teacher knows I smoke weed, well that’s just great, that’s all I need. Oh well, nothing I can do about it now. Well, talk to you later, good night. 

     A few weeks later, Sandra goes to hang out with Francine at Erica’s where she sees two guys over, both heavyset. “Who are these guys?” Sandra asks. 

     “This is Lawrence and Scott.” Francine says. 

     “Yeah, I know Scott, we went to school together.” They smoke and have a good time. They become friends over social media, and one day, Scott and Sandra talk and agree to hook up together. So, one night, Sandra goes out and meets up with Scott. 

     “You sure you wanna do this?” 

     “Yeah, I’m sure, I’m definitely ready. Do you have a condom?” 

     “Ooh, no I don’t, sorry.” 

     “Alright, well how about we do something different?” 

     “Like what?” 

     “I’ve never touched a penis before, how about a hand job?” 

     “Yeah, sure.” 

     “Is there somewhere we could go?” 

     “My car, my parents are asleep in the house and uh, I’m loud.” 

     “That sounds awful.” 

     “Do you wanna do this or not?” 

     “Um…” 

February 25, 2007 

Dear Diary: 

     Ok, um, that was… ok? It was awkward, definitely. He did me first, which got me going enough that I didn’t mind doing him when it was his turn. I don’t know, I think I would feel better if next time, I’m with someone than a random person, I don’t think I could do one night stands, even if I tried, I don’t think I could be in enough of a mood to do it, I’d rather feel something for the person. Tonight felt hollow, I guess that’s why it’s a ‘job’ hehe. But seriously, never again, and definitely not with him. I don’t know, I still feel weird about it, I think I need a shower. It wasn’t bad, but it wasn’t good either. I don’t know, I just- I think I’m done talking about it. 

     The next day, Sandra goes to Michael’s house. “Hey Mike, who’s this?” 

     “This? Oh, this is my new girlfriend Sara.” 

     “Hey, I remember you! You were in one of my college classes!” 

     “Oh yeah, I remember! ‘The tree is brown, I wear a crown-‘ how did the rest of it go?” Sara says. 

     “No, shut up!” 

     “The tree is brown, I wear a crown, I need a chump, to take a dump, on the wall in the hall’” She starts laughing hysterically. 

     “I don’t get it.” Michael says. 

     “It was one of the poems I had to write and present to the class in English class, how do you even remember that? I don’t.” 

     “Because it was hilarious, and I copied it into my notebook when you went to the bathroom.” 

    “Woah, so my paranoia that someone’s gonna read my notes is justified then.” 

     “Sorry, I loved that one so much, I had to keep it.” 

    “I suck at poetry though, that was the best I could come up with.” 

     “I don’t care, I loved it.” 

     “Well, thank you then.” 

     “Haha no problem.” 

     “So how long has this been going on?” 

     “I’m gonna let you ladies talk, I’m gonna let out a bomb or two.” Michael says as he pats his stomach and goes upstairs. 

     “Oh, about a week.” Sara says. 

     “Do you… like him?” 

     “Yeah, he’s pretty cool.” 

     “What do you see in him?” 

     “Well, he’s nice, that’s a difference than what I’ve been dealing with, why? Is there something I should know?” 

     “I don’t think so, this is the first time I’ve actually seen him in a relationship before.” 

     “He says he’s had girlfriends before.” 

     “He has, I just didn’t meet them.” 

     “Any idea what happened?” 

     “Nope.” 

     “Oh…” 

     “I’m sure you’ll be fine, he’s a nice guy, I’ve been friends with him for a decade, so that’s gotta say something.” 

     “Ok, I guess.” 

     “What?” 

     “No, I’m sure if he wasn’t good, you wouldn’t hang out with him.” 

     “Yeah, although I should warn you he’s a little bossy, but if he loves you, he won’t be.” 

     “Oh, ok, thanks.” Michael comes back down the stairs, patting his stomach. 

     “Aw, man, that was a rough one, my a*s is on fire!” Michael says. 

     “God, you’re so gross sometimes, Michael.” Sandra says. He farts. 

     “Hey man, I’m just me, and Sara loves me for me, isn’t that right Sara?” 

     “Y-yeah, Michael. Of course.” Sara says. 

     “See? She knows.” He gives her a hug. “Now go make dinner.” 

     “Ok.” She heads to the kitchen. 

     “You’ve already got her making you dinner?” Sandra asks. 

     “Yeah, she offered to make me dinner last night and I loved it so much, she offered to have dinner with me every night and said she’ll even make it for me.” Michael says. 

     “Interesting.” 

     “Yeah, now I’ll save some money from ordering all the time.” 

     “You mean it’ll save your dad some money?” 

     “No, he gives me an allowance.” 

     “Still? Why don’t you have a job?” 

     “Cause I broke my ankle last year, remember?” 

     “So? It’s healed.” 

     “Yeah, but that crack is going to be there forever and if I overwork it, it could break again.” 

     “So, what, you’re never gonna work?” 

     “Yeah.” 

     “You can’t be serious.” 

     “Yeah, my dad pays for everything, I don’t need to work.” 

     “Do you at least do chores?” 

     “Why?” 

     “Do you do anything?” 

     “I don’t have to.” 

     “And what if you have to find a place for yourself?” 

     “I’ll have Sara.” 

     “What if you don’t?” 

     “Look, work is hard, I’m not meant to do it. Besides, I don’t like being what to do so I’d probably flip out at someone.” 

     “You’re so lazy.” 

     “I don’t care, it’s great. Why don’t you have a job?” 

     “I’m, uh, I’m in between jobs.” 

     “Don’t criticize me then.” 

     “Whatever, I’ll see you later.” 

     “Later.” 

February 26, 2007 

Dear Diary: 

     So, somehow Michael got himself a girlfriend. Weird, right? I honestly didn’t think anyone would like him, I mean, you know how he is. That poor girl, I hope she takes my warnings seriously. Oh well, it’s not really my business, and Michael is my best friend and all, but he can be abrasive. I just hope he’s not too hard on her. Everything seems ok right now, but I know how he can be. Sara seems nice, and that’s what worries me, I feel like he could take advantage of that. I don’t know, maybe I’m just being paranoid. I’m going to hang out at Erica’s tomorrow, Francine will be there, we’re planning to trip again. I’m hoping to have a better experience this time, I was told not all of them are bad. I’ll write it down again, I like remembering my trips since I know I won’t be doing them often. 

     The next day, Sandra goes to Erica’s house. “You ready for this?” Francine asks. 

     “Yeah, lay it on me.” Sandra says. 

     “Alright, here you go.” She hands Sandra the drug and she takes it. A flash of light, rainbow colors, and the dubstep sounded more distorted than usual. A bright white man with white hair appears. 

     “Jesus?” 

     “No, I’m not Jesus, I’m all in your mind.” 

     “What do you want from me?” 

     “Three.” 

     “Three?” 

     “Selfishness, Selflessness, Sacrifice.” 

     “What does that mean?” 

     “Only the future knows.” 

     “What?” 

     “Don’t blame yourself, it’s not your fault.” 

     “What? What is it with you hallucinations and not answering my questions?” 

     “JTC” 

     “Jesus Tapdancing Christ?” 

     “I am not Jesus.” 

     “What is happening?” 

     “The devil will take everything from you, the reaper will knock a few times, but the angel will restore everything, keep the reaper at bay.” 

     “What? Am I going to die?” 

     “Death comes in threes.” 

     “Stop it!” 

     “You’re welcome.” She screams as she comes off of it. 

     “What was that?” Francine asks. 

     “I uh, had another bad trip.” 

     Aw, man, I’m sorry.” 

     “I wanna try again.” 

     “Are you sure? Maybe you should wait until later. For now, eat and drink something, you look flushed.” 

     “Well gee, thanks. MOM.” 

     “Just trying to help.” Later, Sandra tries again, She sits on the couch and zones out. 

     “Hi beautiful.” Says a well toned, tanned man with medium length black hair and tattoos and piercings. 

     “Steve? You’re not real!” 

     “Yeah, I know, my how you’ve grown.” 

     “Well, yes. What’s it been? Six years?” 

     “Not since middle school.” 

     “Wow, how have you been?” 

     “Chilling in your subconscious.” 

     “How is it in there?” 

    “It’s comfortable, though crowded. It’s a snug fit, I haven’t been up here in ages.” 

     “It’s amazing that I can talk to you like you were real.” 

     “Yeah well, you know how it goes.” 

     “No, no I don’t.” 

     “You’re tripping hard, babe.” 

     “Oh, I know that, but like, what are you doing here?” 

     “Oh, to tell you that as long as you’re alive, true love will never die.” 

     “I have no control over that, what soap opera did you pull that out of?” 

     “Yeah, that was pretty sappy, wasn’t it?” 

     “It was.” 

     “Sorry, but I’ve always told you what a special girl you are, and I’m not lying about it. Your love keeps true love alive.” 

     “Ok, whatever, I guess I get it.” 

     “You have a lot of love to give, and the right person can match your love. Some will try, but only one will succeed.” 

     “Aw, but do I really have to go through more than one?” 

    “I understand your impatience, you’ve been wanting this your whole life, but it won’t happen as soon as you want. You’ll have tough decisions ahead, but you must do what you think is right. And if I know you, I know you will.” He winks at her. 

     “I really wish you were real.” 

    “Aren’t you concerned your friends might notice you talking to yourself?” 

     “One’s inching on the carpet like a worm, and one is making rug angels, I think I’m the sanest one here.” 

     “Haha, you always know how to make me laugh.” 

     “I love you so much, Steve.” 

     “I love you too, Sandra.” 

     “Does this mean I know the future?” 

     “Only if you act on it.” 

     “What do you mean?” 

     “I’m just telling you what you want to hear.” 

     “Why would I tell myself the negative aspects of it?” 

     “Because deep down, you know it’s inevitable.” 

     “Yeah, you’re right. I’m not that lucky.” 

     “But hey, at least you’ll have some kind of fun along the way.” 

     “What’s the cost?” 

    “It’s a blind gamble, I don’t know what to expect, I’m not a psychic, cause you aren’t. I guess the best answer is, what are you willing to pay for temporary happiness?” 

     “Why temporary?” 

     “Because you can’t be having more than one if it lasts, dummy.” 

     “Hey!” 

     “Look, just live your life, and put together the pieces as you go along, try to make the best of it, and when things get bad, don’t give up.” 

     “How bad?” 

     “Time can only tell.” 

     “I’m scared, what if I don’t date ever again? After what happened with Nicholas, how can I trust that I won’t be cheated on again?” 

     “You’re going to have to take that risk. You’ll never know unless you decide to find out for yourself. Then you’ll be asking what if, and I know how much you hate missed opportunities.” 

     “I do, you’re right about that.” 

    “If you ever feel like you won’t be able to love or be loved again, just push it out of your mind. Things happen for a reason, and although not all of them are good, sometimes tragic, make you a stronger person having survived through all of that and still made it out alive.” 

     “It sounds like I’m going to be dealing with some bad s**t.” 

     “Maybe, maybe not. The future is uncertain, but you have to be prepared for anything. I’m not saying to constantly think something bad is going to happen, what I’m telling you is to not let it destroy you. You’re strong, Sandra; you don’t let your condition get the better of you for one, and I like your instincts on Michael, he’s headed down a bad road. You might need to cut him off one day.” 

     “But I already had to do that with Lois! I don’t wanna lose all my friends.” 

     “Nobody does, and right now he hasn’t done anything to warrant it.” 

     “I know, but I can tell you’ve noticed his self destructive behavior, you can try to help, but I think that’s a bomb that’s going to explode.” 

     “That sounds literal. I always figured heart attack, I’m worried about his health, but he thinks he’s fine.” 

     “Sorry to hear about Lois.” 

     “I honestly didn’t see it coming.” 

     “Ah well, you’ll get over her.” 

     “Yeah, you’re right. God, you’re so perfect, I love you.” 

     “I love you too.” 

     “You’re fading and flickering.” 

    “You’re coming down, but don’t bother, I won’t see you for awhile, I’m too fresh in your mind.” 

     “Aww, man.” 

     “I’ll see you sweetheart.” 

     “Wait, before you go! Who were those other people I saw?” But he was gone. Sandra comes back to reality, and pours herself a glass of water. 

February 27, 2007 

Dear Diary: 

     Ok, so I went on another couple trips and I gotta say, seeing Steve, yes, that Steve was sitting right next to me sitting on the couch talking and having a full blown conversation. We talked about Michael, and now I feel that much more distaste for him, I don’t know, that sounds horrible, but I can’t help that I’m repulsed by who he’s become. Steve is so funny, he still makes me laugh, and he’s still the cutest guy ever. His voice was smooth, oh man I wish he was real. It was amazing, and I wish I could do it again, but I don’t think that’s going to happen, I’m going to put off the tripping for now, school’s getting harder and I’ve got to buckle down. Besides, I’m fine with it, two of them were really scary and I don’t like those odds. Oh, that reminds me, the one before Steve was this pure white, white haired guy. I thought it was Jesus, but it wasn’t. He said three, he said death comes in threes. Sacrifice, Selfishness, Selflessness, what does it mean? Oh well, I’m just going to chalk it up to another bad trip, and the one I’m validating is the Steve one because that one was really awesome. He made me feel so good about myself, then again, he always knows just what to say. I hope I at least dream about him, after all, I still see him in the occasional dream every couple years. That’s how we met, it was my first sex dream at the age of fourteen, I didn’t write that down at the time, I was too embarrassed in case one of my sisters found my diary and read it. This one is locked and in my purse along with my flask, wallet and phone. I am a little scared as to what the future holds, but if I wanna live until 113 like I want to, I have to survive all of it. Well, good night, I’m high as hell and really sleepy. 

     The next morning, Sandra and Francine wake and bake. “How was your trip?” Francine asks. 

     “The first one sucked, the second was better, way better.” Sandra replies. 

     “Glad to hear it. Unfortunately, I won’t be able to get any more any time soon.” 
     “That’s perfectly fine with me, I don’t want to risk another bad trip any time soon, the odds haven’t been favoring me.” 

     “It happens.” 

     “Were you a worm?” 

     “Yeah, I was an inchworm, and I had to find my way through the forest.” 

     “How did you turn into an inchworm?” 

     “I shrunk, then turned into one.” 

     “That’s cool.” 

     “How about you?” 

     “I had a conversation with an imaginary friend.” 

     “Ooh, I love when the subconscious comes out to play, mine’s a purple cat who’s fur is nugs.” 

     “Really?” 

     “Yeah, I don’t know how, but when she’s around, I get way higher than I already am and it’s not like the nugs are real, it’s all in my mind.” 

     “That’s cool.” 

     “That’s the placebo effect, In my case, I thought I was getting high, so my brain acted like I was getting higher, and so I did.” 

     “That’s amazing.” 

     “You said you had a conversation?” 

     “Yeah.” 

     “About what?” 

     “Me and my love life.” 

     “Did you hear everything you wanted to?” 

     “Yeah, but I also heard stuff I didn’t want to.” 

     “That’s the realist in you. You know there’s more gray than is led to be believed. That’s ok, I’m the same way, that’s probably why we get along so well.” 

     “I’m still kinda mad about that detention.” 

     “Oh, that stupid thing? Get over it!” 

     “I wanted to get through school without getting in trouble.” 

    “Oh, come off it, you’re obviously not miss goody two shoes anymore, so what do you care about something that happened seven years ago? Just let it go! You let it go enough to want to hang out, so just drop it.” 

     “You’re right, I’m sorry Francine.” 

     “That’s better. Now, pass that s**t.” Sandra passes her the pipe. “Look, if it makes you feel better, I’m sorry for punching your elbow every day, but it was really, really funny to me. That, and it’s revenge from elementary school.” 

     “Elementary school?” 

    “In elementary school, you for some reason chased me during recess, even though I didn’t want to be touched.” 

     “That was irrational!” 

     “Maybe so, but I wasn’t a very social kid and I just found it weird.” 

     “I didn’t know that bothered you.” 

     “It kinda did, but it obviously wasn’t enough to traumatize me. You’re just very weird, Sandra.” 

     “Yeah, yeah, whatever.” She lights up the pipe.