Chapter 12 - What Does It Feel Like?

Why can't I open my eyes? Jordon thought as he drained his last drop of energy into performing one action. Am I dead?

With that, Jordon's vision became cloudier and cloudier. His head started to spin. His brain could not speak in electrical signals anymore. Images from his childhood begun to manifest themselves to Jordon. The sound of his laugh rang through his ears as a bright yellow swing set appeared. I'd forgotten all about that...

All of a sudden, Little Jordon started to cry. No, he didn't cry-- he wailed. A man came into view and soothed him.

Jordon felt his throat tighten as though he was being choked from the inside. "Father."

"Wait, no, I have unfinished business!" Jordon screamed.

But nobody could hear him.

The scene switched. Jordon was no longer in his happy place. Cars were honking, and the smell of air pollution filled the air. Jordon's father had his head turned back, he waved, and stepped out towards the crosswalk, briefcase in hand and phone against ear.

Suddenly, his father disappeared. Blood coated the street, and his father was left lying on the asphalt. Jordon wanted to run out into the street. His father didn't deserve to die this way, this time.

Is this what life is, a series of ups and downs and spins until someone falls off? Falls off into the eternal abyss of death, with their loved ones desperately wanting something better, something more?

Memories flooded into his mind, overpowering him. His father's face, his scent, the sound of his voice. It was too much to handle. His father's brown eyes which crinkled when he smiled. And his dark hair which he could never keep styled. The stubble on his cheeks. The smell of clean ocean water. Jordon could feel his eyes get warm. Nothing had been the same.

He relapsed into another memory. The scent of cookies wrapped around him. Sun peeked through the kitchen windows. He was only six years old at the time, barely able to see over the counter tops. Flour dusted the tan granite, his mother held the mixing bowl, green herb plants contrasting with the dark chocolate cabinets.

"Mommy, can I lick the spoon?" Jordon's past self begged. He hugged his mother's hips and buried his face in her sweater.

"I want to go home," Jordon whispered hoarsely as he sobbed.