Introduction

The whole book, novel is in present tense...

Intro

It is chasing me. My feet are bare on the ground with the gravel piercing my skin. It is dark and the moon only shine bright enough that I can see where to put my next foot without falling over the loose pieces of wood. The entrance is small but I make it in without hurting myself against the needles in the wall. The door is wide open and I run into the black hole in front of me. The air is full of dust and it is hot inside unlike the cold night chill outside. The vulgar smell of old meat and dog faeces hit my nose. The noises stop and I can feel the fear leave me for a second. I fall to the floor, exhausted by the running. My face hit the floor hard when my legs give in.

Thousands of little feet crawl all over my body; I can feel them in my ear and on my face. With the little energy left in my body I stand up, trying to get the bugs off my face. I see something move in the corner of my eye, where the door is.

“Who.. is.. there,” I ask with fear back in my body. I look up, and see the figure standing there. Standing in the entrance, his eyes black, empty eye sockets, blood dripping from them. His body is small, but stands firms. I look up into a young face, a boy’s. It feels almost as if he looks me straight in the eyes. I stand frozen in for what felt like hours, looking at him.

“Come with me,” his voice calm, without any pain. He walks down the stairs leading to the outside yard. The grass under my feet is cold and damp. I run into the blacken night, the cold air brushing my face, but he is gone.  

I start to walk back, walking the same way I heard the voices earlier; the same way I feared before.

Author's Note

This is the newlly edited version... again... i think all the tense errors is out?? any tips on editing your work for newbies?

Reviews

[KAOlmsted]

Still having trouble with tense. And in rewriting, you lost the bit about the voices in the beginning, so when your protagonist heads back toward the voices, we really have no idea what you're getting at there. Quite honestly, this is not a genre I read, so comments to how scary or unscary things are in your work may not make it to these posts, but if you appreciate syntax corrections I'm the perfect reviewer for you.
-kimmer

[Raya Avans]

You continue to amaze me with your imagery and how you manage to work with all my senses to the point where I AM there. Great job, and its a very interesting start, makes me want to keep on reading. Its defiantly the start to a great horror story

hmm. Well you do have a few grammar problems left here. I didn't read the first version so I don't have anything to compare it too but there are a one or two tense problems. Here are some errors I found

- My face hit the floor hard when my legs give in.. rather I believe it is supposed to be * my face hit the floor hard when my legs gave in* or *as my legs give in my face hit the floor hard. (either works but the original has tense issues)

- , but stands firms.. rather *but stands firm

- in for what felt like hours, *for what feels like hours (tense)

[Violetta Alexis]

Definitely my kind of read. I hope you appreciate suggestions! :D

You are good with description. However, I am somewhat confused whether you're writing in the past tense or present. Sentences like,

"I stand frozen in for what felt like hours, looking at him."

If you are speaking in past tense, I would recommend using the word, 'stood', instead of 'stand'.

There are a few other sentences in there, but I am not going to elaborate much deeper. It really freaked me out when you started talking about the young boy without eyes because just recently, I had a dream about that and it freaked me the f**k out. Lol. And you have managed to freak me out with this piece.

"The air is full of dust and it is hot inside unlike the cold night chill outside."

I like the contrast between the two. I will read Chapter One also. :)

[KAOlmsted]

Jaco...welllllll...no, not terribly scary; what I should have said was "oh it's a horror story!" I can see how you got confused. Like I said, I will reserve comment until I read the next chapter. Onward, kimmer, away!!

[((Teenage_Poet_Loser))]

@kimmer, haha sou found it scary =]?

[KAOlmsted]

oh horror! I am at the mercy of my local library hours so I have a scant 14 minutes to reply, so I won't. After I've read the next chapter, in the clear light of a new day, I will tell you what I think.

How is THAT for suspense? *wink*

-kimmer

[((Teenage_Poet_Loser))]

thanx all =D

[alegria]

nice thriller..well writtin..keeping the reader engaged in ur write is important u did it pretty well.. u can actually write a book:)) keep writing:)

[Jeremy Haynes]

Very dark and very good. I would buy this book

[Bridgette's Ink]

Ugg this is gut wrenching and gruesome, which are great qualities for a thriller :)
please review some of my work ;)