Chapter Two: Janitor's closets have never been so interesting.

 

My left hand is down the front of Cute Hybrid Boys jeans and pumping my hand over his erection. My right is fondling myself through a thin layer of boxers. I felt like I had no control over my body. I couldn’t stop, not even if I tried. I found myself lying on top of his warm, half naked body that happens to only be clad in a pair of jeans. I couldn’t remember how I got here; all I could think about is how good it feels. He was squirming under my touch, head lolled back and lips parted slightly. I felt myself getting so close to a climax. Then he spoke for what I'm guessing is the first time since I found myself there. “Angel, I want you to f**k me. F**k me, Angel."

Did he just say "f**k me?" He is supposed to be shy. I guess that is the least of my worries, considering, hearing him say that had to be the most arousing thing I have ever heard. I didn't know what was going on it was like my body was working against my will. I felt myself go to take his jeans off but instead I come and a noise startles me.

 

Beep…

Beep…

Beep…

 

My eyes snap open and for a moment I don’t realize this is reality and what I had just experienced was a dream. I turned around to face my clock and slammed my hand down on the snooze.  I was sweaty. Also, I realized that my left hand was indeed in my pajama pants and was covered in the guilty, sticky product of a startling yet satisfying dream.  I tried desperately to get my breath back while understanding why I had a wet dream about Cute Hybrid Boy. What does it mean? Am I gay? I thought maybe I was just confused because I hadn’t been attracted to Candy in so long I forgot who I was supposed to be attracted to. I realized that was ridiculous reasoning but I also wanted to just forget about it.

Before I started dating Candy, I have to admit that I noticed other guys. The idea scared me. I noticed guys and I got a sexual vibe from guys. Then, I dated Candy and tried my hardest to get something from her whilst repressing my feelings about everyone else. Trying to be attracted to her was like trying to be attracted to a lamp post, there was nothing there. I really tried to think about her sexually but I always came up short until finally I got to the point where the only feeling I got from her was annoyance.

I looked over at my clock again to see how much time I had wasted trying to figure what the hell just happened and what the hell is going on with me. I got up and pulled my pants and boxers off, grabbed some more boxers, and headed to my bathroom. I took a shower to wash the guilt down the drain and enjoyed a cigarette before school started.

 

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I avoid going into the school as long as I possibly can. I don’t want to see Candy but I know that I have to apologize to her. I have to make up with her. It's the way my universe works. On my way to the cafeteria I spot Cute Hybrid Boy sitting all alone in the hallway. I knew it was fucked up to keep referring to him as Cute Hybrid Boy for many reasons but I couldn’t stop. I sauntered over to him and stood there in front of him, waiting for him to notice me. I realized that he was reading a tiny book. He looked up and smiled slightly.

"Hey, I just came over to see what you were doing. So, I see your reading." He nodded his head and held the book up slightly.

"It's um The Catcher in the Rye." I nodded shortly before just standing awkwardly. I wasn’t sure why I had walked over to talk to him. What was I trying to get from him? After a moment of awkward silence I scuffed my shoe on the floor and backed away slightly.

"So…my girlfriend is waiting. I should probably go, just thought I'd say hi." He looked up at me and had an expression I couldn't understand.

"You…have a girlfriend?" He closed his book and looked at the floor.

"Yeah, um Candy. I kind of got mad at her yesterday and said some things. That's why I was running yesterday." He nodded, picked his book back up, and reopened it. He didn’t say anything else.

"Well, uh," I rubbed the back of my neck awkwardly. "Bye then."

"Yeah, bye." I walked slowly away towards the cafeteria and dreaded every step. I slowly made my way over to the table where she was sitting and cleared my throat to show I was there.

"What do you want Angel. Huh? Come to say more bitchy things to Candy?" It was Rachel, Candy's best friend.

"Uh, Candy, can I talk to you in private please? I want to apologize." She looked at me and combed her hair with her fingers.

"Fine, whatever, but you better make this good Angel." I nodded my head and she got up. I couldn’t stop the irritation that overcame me. Everything she said was so incredibly self-centered and annoying. As soon as she was near me she grabbed my hand and pulled me towards the hall with Cute Hybrid Boy. She led me past MiKey who I saw glance up, and for some reason this feeling of guilt settled in the pit of my stomach. She lead me to the hallway across and a little to the right of MiKey.

"Ok Angel are going to tell me your sorry or not?" I nodded as she stood with her back against the wall. I stood in front of her and put my hands on her waist, not feeling comfortable like I knew I should but knowing it was what was expected of me.

"Yeah, I uh. I wanted to say that I'm sorry for calling you a s**t. I shouldn't have said that because it's not true and yeah. I feel bad about it." Even though it is true and I don't feel bad about it, I thought. She pursed her lips then started to annoyingly smack her gum in my face.

"Really? You feel bad about it? That is so sweet Angel. I knew you would. I told Rachel that you would and she was all like "Oh no Candy he is a dick, and I was like you just wait until tomorrow because he is going to say sorry. I knew, I knew you didn't mean it…" She continued to talk but I couldn’t focus. My mind wandered away and couldn’t seem to catch it. I didn’t really want to. I thought about MiKey. He wouldn't talk like this; non-stop. It would be cool to have a friend that wasn't a self-absorbed, stereotypical prep or a mindless, ignorant jock.

"So? Will you?" I snapped out of my trance and looked down at her.

"Huh, I'm sorry I got a little distracted. What did you say?" She huffed and smacked her gum again.

"I asked if you were ready to f**k me yet. Jesus, do you ever listen to me?" She spit her gum on the floor, grabbed my shirt collar, and pulled me down to look her in the eye.

"When?” I asked, instead of saying no. I thought that maybe if I humored her, she would get the conversation out of the way and I go back to avoiding the subject. She just smiled and pulled me to her lip glossed lips. I kissed her like I normally do, with fake arousal. It was hard to get hard, when all I could think about was the sticky, slimy, sensation of her lip gloss covered lips against mine.

“I don’t think we should do this here.” I said when I pulled away from her, wanting more than anything to just wipe the gloss from my mouth.

“Why not?” She asked.

“At school Candy?” I was a little stunned. I knew she was willing pretty much anywhere and I knew she had wanted it for a long time. I was truly surprised though that she had even thought about doing it in school.

“Come on.” She said as she grabbed my hand and pulled me with her. I was a bit torn as she pulled me down the hall. On one hand, I didn’t like the idea of doing it in school. I didn’t like the idea of doing it at all. On the other hand, I wanted her off my back and it had boiled down to the only way to shut her up was to f**k her.

We went past MiKey and I looked over. He was watching us and our eyes met for a second. He looked away as I was pulled away. When we reached a closet she opened the door and shoved me in. She quickly came in after me and closed the door. She pushed me up against the wall and kissed me none so gracefully, licking from the roof of my mouth to my neck. I closed my eyes and my mind wandered to that dream. The thought comforted me. It aroused me and if I pushed down the twinge of guilt about having it, it aroused me. I was thankful it was dark, it made it easier for me to pretend it wasn’t her.  Then I stopped, wasn't it wrong to think about a guy while I'm f*****g my girlfriend?

I wasn’t sure if I was upset that I was going to lose my virginity in a janitors closet or if I was more upset that I was going to lose my virginity to her. She didn’t know I was a virgin. In fact, I had lied to her previously and told her I wasn’t. I was regretting it then and knew I could just decide to leave the situation. But I knew if I just did it, if I just went for it, then she would stop asking for it. So, I did that.

We fumbled for a moment to get our clothes undone, get a condom on and get into a position that would work.

I felt disgusted with myself as I fucked her. I could feel it was a bad idea as I did. I wasn’t enjoying it and it took a lot of will just to get an erection. Because of this, I allowed to daydream again and before I knew it I was too far gone to care anymore. My mind wandered to the dream again and this time my brain was too much like jelly for me to realize it. I didn't really care either. If this was MiKey he wouldn't be so loud and he would kiss me I thought. The first time wouldn’t be so seedy and low class like this was. I'd have him in my room and I’d go slow. I wouldn't care if he made noises, f**k I would want him screaming my name. Then I'd thrust into him so hard that he see's stars and he would be so much tighter than this.

While I continued to fantasize about MiKey, anticipated release built in my stomach. She reached her peak or at least pretended too and bit down hard on her lip and gripped my hair so hard I thought she was going to rip it out. When I came, I squeezed my eyes shut, thought about MiKey under me and finally collapsed against the wall.

"Mmm you were so good." I put a finger to her lips and shook my head.

"Shh, please don't say anything." I pulled off the soiled condom and carelessly threw it on the floor. I could be such a dick. I didn't even care anymore. I was shaking and felt disgusting. I guessed that what I was feeling was shame. I didn’t want to f**k her but I did because I wanted her to shut up and I thought about a guy the whole time it happened.

I pulled up my pants and left without saying anything to her. As soon as I was out she followed. When we got to my locker, the bell rang. She grabbed my hand and I just went with it not really having the energy to argue.

"Do not tell your friends about that." I said sternly. She nodded.

"Candy…I mean it. If your friends start giving me weird looks and giggling when I'm around then I'm going to know and I'm going to be mad." She just nodded then skipped off…probably to go tell her friends.

I felt so guilty and so sick for what I had just done and this unsettling nervous feeling filled my stomach. Then nausea hit me like a ton of bricks. I ran to the bathroom as fast as I could. I ran into MiKey again, but this time I couldn't stop to say I was sorry. I ran into the first stall I saw and threw up everything I had eaten that morning.