Chapter Twelve: I know that sometimes it isn't enough to just say it. But I love you.

 

The first month away from MiKey was by far the hardest of them all. I did nothing but mope and a lot of tears were shed. It was mostly at night when I was in my bed, by myself and thinking about what had happened. I thought about how, I could have prevented him from being…violated. Raped. I hated that word and I felt sick to my stomach every time I thought about it.  I asked him a lot about how he was but he never said anything about the incident. I never pushed it.

I called MiKey a lot. Or I waited for him to call me a lot. It seemed that was all I was doing. I hated hearing him cry over the phone. It's one of the worst feelings when someone that you love is hurt and you can't be there for them. I was a mess all the time. I started to fall into this dark little hole I was digging for myself.

 

--

 

I awoke to the sun burning in my eyes. I woke up angry. I was so mad in fact that yet again the curtains my dad made me buy, had woken me up, that I jumped out of bed and ripped them from the window. They came crashing down to the bed frame creating a loud crash. Then they clattered to the floor. I fisted my hands in my hair and paced back and forth across the floor.

It only took a moment for my dad to come bursting through my door.

"What the hell are you doing Angel?" I looked at him for a second then pointed to the floor.

"These f*****g curtains are pissing me off. I hate them!" He stood there silent for a moment.

"Okay, okay. We'll get you some new ones alright?" I couldn't say anything to him. My heart was pounding in my chest.

"You know that you have to go to school today right? You missed all last week. You can't miss again." I looked over at him and took a deep breath.

"What? I don't wanna go to school today!" He stood there with his hands on his hips.

"Angel, you cannot miss school again just so you can pout around all day and feel sorry for yourself. Now, I am your father...it's about time I acted like it. Go to school. Focus on your assignments and just relax today alright?" I flipped him off and like a child ran to my bathroom and slammed the door shut.

"Angel. Don't do this okay? I understand, you are upset. I know that. But, you’re just going to feel worse if you lie around all day and think about it. So, it is better if you just go. Do you understand?" I understood, but I really just wanted to lay under my blankets forever and sleep away the time that I'm away from MiKey.

"Screw you! You don't understand. At all! You don't! You have no idea what it's like to see the love of your life walk away from you! And not know when you will ever see them again, if you do ever see them again! You don't know!" As soon as the words were out of my mouth, I realized my mistake.

"What did you just say? I don't understand? Angel, you don't have a mother! She was the love of my life! She walked out on me! So, yes I do know! I know perfectly well! You know what I did? I buried myself in my room and felt sorry for myself. For three years! I abandoned everything I had! Do you really wanna be like me? So, get your a*s in the shower and get your s**t together. You are going to school today." I stood with my forehead to the door. I stayed silent. Then, I heard him yell.

"Where the f**k did this giant hole in wall come from!?" I sighed and opened the door. I stepped out to see his face.

"Where did this come from!?" I looked at the hole in the wall near the door. The one I had punched into it that night that MiKey and I had that fight.

"I punched it there." His eyes grew three sizes.

"When!?"

"One night MiKey and I had a fight and I punched a hole in the wall. Sorry." He sighed.

"God damn it. You could have told me or something. I guess I'll call someone to fix it. God knows I'm no good at handy work." I nodded.

"Alright. Go. I'm gonna get ready to go." He turned and walked out the door, shutting it slowly behind him. I jumped in the shower quickly and then brushed my teeth, shaved and got dressed. I hated to do all those things so early but I had to. Plus, I knew he was right. I couldn’t continue to dwell or I was going to feel worse.

I hunted down my backpack and shoved the text books in it. Then I jogged down the stairs.

"Dad, I want something to eat." He was standing at the stove cooking something.

"Here scrambled eggs and bacon." I was surprised.

"You actually cooked me breakfast?" He nodded.

"Yeah. I figured you were down in the dumps so why not make you something to eat. Food always makes people feel better." I smiled some.

"True that. Thanks dad. And…I’m sorry that I ripped my curtains down like a little kid." Before he could respond, my phone rang. I jumped, not expecting it to go off. Then I quickly fished it out of my pocket. It was MiKey.

"Hello." I greeted quickly.

"Angel?" I nodded.

"Yeah. Hey baby. How you feeling?" He sighed.

"Fine I guess. I was gonna call you yesterday, but I didn't have time. They won't let us use our cell phones after six on weekends. During school days we only get to use them for two hours after school."

"How would they know if you were using your phone?” I asked.

“They wouldn’t really, but if I got with it in my room, I would have it taken away for good and I don’t want that at all.”

"Yeah, me either.” I said. “Are you going to school?” I asked him.

“Yeah, but not until tomorrow though. I have to go to the public school down the street that is really big. I don't wanna go."

"It'll be okay. I promise. Just don't worry about anybody okay? If anyone tries to say anything to you, just ignore them alright?"

"Yeah. I know. I'm just scared that people are going freak out when they see me. I don't wanna go through that again."

"Baby, I wish I could be there with you."

"I know. Me too. I already miss you so much. It f*****g hurts." I suddenly felt like dying.

"MiKey. I know. It won't be long before your back here with me. I promise."

"I hope so... You know, my roommate is really nice. Um, Terrence, he showed me around the first day. He is really cool. But, so far I don't know about anyone else. They still all look at me like they haven't seen a person before. I f*****g hate it. It sucks. It has been a f*****g week already." I took a deep breath.

"MiKey don't pay any attention to them. After a few more days they will all get used to having you around. Eventually, they won't even notice."

"I know that. I do. It just sucks now. But, I know already."

"I love you MiKey."

"I love you too…" I heard him sniffle.

"Baby, why are you crying? Please don't cry." He took a shaking breath.

"I just already miss you. I wanna just give you a hug." I wiped the tears away that had started falling. My dad ruffled my hair and left the room.

"Well, don't cry alright. You can call me anytime you want to. Anytime. Alright?"

"Yeah. I know." I heard someone's voice in the background but I couldn’t make out what they were saying.

"MiKey?"

"Sorry Angel. I have to go to this stupid f*****g assembly thing." I nodded.

"Alright, yeah. Call me tonight if you can. I love you."

"I will. I promise. I love you too."

"Bye baby."

"Bye." Then the phone clicked. I hung up and stared at my food. I wasn't hungry anymore. I emptied it into the trashcan and put my plate in the sink.

I still had fifteen minutes before the bell rang. It only took five minutes to get to school, but I decided I should leave before I started thinking too much.

"Dad! I'm leaving!" I waited a minute and then he came down the stairs.

"Already?" I nodded.

"Yeah, I'll see you later." He nodded.

"Hey I was thinking maybe we could go out and eat some pizza tonight. You know, get out of the house a little while." I nodded and threw my backpack on.

"Sounds good. Bye." He waved and took a sip of coffee.

When I walked outside, the warmth was kind of a shock to me. It was already starting to warm up outside. Usually it took another month or so.  It felt perfect outside and it made me feel a little better.

When I pulled up to the school, I could see all the kids swarming around the building. I didn't wanna go in there without my arm slung around MiKey like usual but I sucked it up and just walked inside. No one even noticed me. I walked to my first period and stood next to the door and waited for the bell to ring. One of Candy's little boy toys walked passed me and glared.

"F*****g f****t." I clenched my fist and grit my teeth, trying hard not to retaliate. I waited and waited and finally the bell rang. I walked inside and sat down before anyone else.

 

------

 

The whole day was boring. I didn't have any more encounters, except for one. At lunch, Candy walked over near my table and leaned in close to me.

"Where is your little f****t c**k-sucker, huh?" I clenched my fist together tightly yet again.

"None of your god damn business, f*****g w***e." She growled and walked off.

Then the rest of the day went by slowly, but with no incident. When the last bell rang I was glad to jump up and run out of the building, spinning out of the blacktop as I left the parking lot. When I got home, there was a guy working on the garage door. I sighed and parked in the driveway.

"Dad, I'm home!" I ran up the stairs that led to his study.

"Hey." I said as I sat down in front of him at his desk.

"Hey. What are you up too?" I shrugged.

"Just got back from hell. Oh excuse me, I mean school." He sat his book down.

"You can't be so negative about everything all the time Angel. Or else you are going to get depressed. Don't you have any friends at school?" I scoffed.

"Yeah right. I have one friend and he doesn't even go to my school. So, nope everyone thinks I am disgusting and all I ever have on my mind is dick apparently." He sighed.

"Please don't be so derogatory." I sighed.

"Sorry, but that is what they think. Just because I have had sex with one guy they all think automatically that I am some kind of s**t that likes every guy I see. That isn't it." He nodded.

"So you have actually had sex with MiKey?" I rolled my eyes.

"God dad." He tapped his fingers on his desk.

"I'm your father I have a right to if you’re sexually active or not. I need to know in fact. You need to get tested." I scoffed.

"Dad! MiKey doesn't have any f*****g STD’s okay? Jesus Christ." He shook his head.

"That's not what I was getting at. You just need to get tested anyway. Just for precautionary reasons. I get tested every time I have sex with a woman I don't know." I looked away from him and cringed, I was not ready to accept the fact that my father was a normal human being and sometimes had sex. 

"Whatever. Yes, I've fucked a guy. I'll get tested if that would make you happy."

"Yes, it would. And stop cussing around me. Please." He said.

"When are we going to eat that pizza you were talking about?" He looked around his desk.

"Well, I have a few reports still to go over then I'm free for the rest of the night." I nodded.

"Alright. Just wake me up when you’re ready to go. I'm going to take a nap."

"Okay." I basically ran to my room. I plopped down on my bed and I glanced at the clock. I really didn't wanna sleep; I just didn't know what I wanted at the moment. My dad would probably be only like an hour anyway. I sighed and sat up. As soon as I did my phone rang. I hurriedly answered it, expecting it to be MiKey.

"Hello." I said.

"Hello? Angel?" The voice was really deep and low. At first I had no idea who it was.

"Yeah. Who's this?" A laugh.

"It's James." I felt like slapping myself in the face.

"Oh s**t man, I'm sorry. I didn't recognize you at first."

"That's alright. I was just wondering what you were up to. I just got out of school and I'm bored as f**k. Wanna hang out?" I sighed.

"S**t. I can't. I want too, but I promised my dad I'd have dinner with him tonight."

"Oh. Alright. That's fine. Maybe tomorrow?"

"Yeah totally. After school. Just call me."

"Sweet alright talk to you tomorrow."

"Sure bye."

"Bye." I shut my phone and sighed, falling back on my bed. I switched it on and watched some comedy show until my dad came and knocked on my door.

"Angel, are you ready to go?" I stood up and turned the TV off.

"Yeah." My door opened and my dad was standing there with some guy in brown over-alls, holding some stuff.

"Yeah, here is the hole my son foolishly punched into the wall." I rolled my eyes. The man looked barley 20 and was taller than my dad. My dad wasn't very tall but he was still average. The man laughed.

"I remember those days. So mad you just don't know what to do so you punch a giant hole in the wall. Yep I remember that." He crouched down by it and started to caulk it up.

"This will only take me about fifteen minutes to fix." My dad nodded.

"Well here you go. We are going to get some dinner so here is your check." He handed it to the man and then looked at me.

"Are you ready to go?" I nodded and followed him downstairs.

It took us about a half an hour to get to the pizza place. When we got inside I was relieved that it wasn't packed and gratefully took a seat by the door.

"You don't think that guy will steal anything do you? Isn't it like not good to leave repair men alone in your house?" He sat down and raised an eyebrow.

"Well for one, I don't think that he will steal anything. Two, if he did I will just contact his company and three what is he going to steal that we can't replace? I don't have anything of value."

"I do! He is in my room you know?" My dad laughed.

"Calm down. He isn't going to steal anything and if he does...well then...I don't know but I'll listen to you from now on." I huffed and sat back.

"Fine." I looked out the window. My dad looked at me with a sort of sympathy.

"How was your day?" I shrugged.

"Okay I guess. Someone only called me a fagot once today. So, I'd say pretty good." He frowned.

"Angel. You can't let that get to you. It is going to happen for the rest of your life. Not everyone is going to be accepting of you."

"I know that. God, it just really pisses me off. Mostly when they talk about MiKey." He nodded.

"People are always going to say something Angel. It is just going to happen so you can't pay any attention to it. Especially when you are in high school. You cannot let it get to you. If you do, then you are going to end up hurting someone." I looked at the table.

"Dad...I kinda already did that." He cocked his head to the side.

"What are you talking about?" I rubbed the back of my neck.

"I kinda punched someone at school the day I told Candy about MiKey. I couldn't help it. He wouldn't stop talking about MiKey, I just couldn't control myself. I'm afraid I might lose my temper again. I can't keep hitting people, or one of them is going to report it. I was lucky the last one didn't." He sat back and sighed.

"Angel. You shouldn't have hit anyone in the first place. Listen to me. When someone says something to you, it is just because they are immature and don't understand. You get it? So, don't go off the hook and hurt them, it will only get you in trouble. And it won't teach them anything. Understand?" I nodded.

"Yeah. I get it." I sat back and rubbed my face.

"Listen whenever you feel like you wanna just punch the f*****g lights out of someone, just remember your better than them. You are so much better than them. And remember that hurting them will get you nowhere." I nodded.

"Yeah. Thanks dad." He punched my shoulder affectionately.

"Well, I try. I just hope that my advice actually helps you." I laughed.

"Me too." The waitress came over.

"Sorry for the wait gentleman. What can I get you to drink?" I looked at my dad.

"Um I'll have a sweet tea." He said.

"Okay, and for you young man?" I cringed. I hated when people called me that.

"Um, fruit punch is good for me." And then I laughed thinking about how childish I felt ordering fruit punch. She handed us menus and then left.

"I say we get some bread sticks and then a large pepperoni pizza with mushrooms." I stated. My dad nodded and set his menu down.

"Sounds great to me." We sat in silence and waited for the waitress to get back with our drinks.

"Are you two ready to order?" My dad nodded.

"Yeah, we're just gonna have an order on cheesy bread sticks and a large pepperoni pizza with mushrooms." She nodded.

"Okay then." She smiled and then walked back to the counter and handed the note to one of the cooks and proceeded to flirt with them. I looked back at my dad.

"So, have you talked to MiKey quite a bit?" I nodded.

"Yeah. I just talked to him this morning."

"What'd he say?" I shrugged.

"Just told me about his new school and stuff.  When he was going back to school." He nodded.

"Yeah." He paused. "Did he say anything about what happened." I shook my head.

"I haven't been able to bring it up and he…hasn't said anything about it." I twirled some hair around my finger.

"Oh."

"Yeah. He said he would call me tonight. I hope he can." My dad stared at me for a while.

"What?" I asked.

"You really do love that boy don't you? This is for real huh?" I held back the tears that were about to surface.

"Y-yeah." My voice cracked some at the end. Trying as hard as I could not to cry was becoming harder and harder. It felt like crying was all I've been doing.

"Angel. I know there is nothing I can say to make you feel better because right now you feel like dying but you just have to take it day by day. If you do that, it'll pass sooner than you think." I nodded.

"Yeah. I know. It just...god. It kills me inside to hear him cry. And when he does on the phone, there is nothing I can do but just tell him I'm here. I can't hug or kiss the hurt away. All I can do is talk. And sometimes that isn't enough." He looked down at the table.

"I understand." I nodded.

"Yeah. Um, tomorrow I am going to hang out with a friend after school. Is that okay?" He took a sip of soda.

"Of course. Go. I don't care. You need to get out of the house." I nodded.

"Yeah. I know." We sat in silence until our pizza came.

 

The next day I hung out with James at his house. It wasn't anything special. We just watched a funny movie and talked a bit. I told him about what happened and he gave me a giant hug.

"I'm so sorry man. Oh my god, wow. That is awful." He said. "S**t I didn't mean it to sound so bad. I'm sorry." I smiled.

"Don't worry about it. I get it." He nodded and gave me one more quick man hug before we played some video games. I talked to MiKey while I was there.

"Hey Angel." I smiled.

"Hi yourself. How was your first day?" I could feel his smile.

"It was pretty good. Not as bad as I thought it would be. I got a lot of stares, but no one gave me any trouble. And I have like all my classes with Terrence. So, I actually made one friend." I smiled.

"Just promise you won't fall in love with anyone while you’re away. This Terrence guy better stay away from you." He laughed.

"Yeah, right. Like I could love anyone else. And Terrence, hell that kid is straight as an arrow. Even if he was gay…I would NEVER hook up with him. He's not the most handsome guy. But, shh don't tell anyone I told you that." I laughed softly.

"That's good. I'm glad you met someone who is good to you. Tell him that if he ever hurts you, I'll be sure to come all the way over there and beat his a*s okay? I won't hesitate." MiKey was laughing on the other line and James smiled at me.

"I'll be sure to tell him that." I laughed.

"And while you’re at it, make me seem big and bad. Not the somewhat scrawny guy I am, named Angel." MiKey laugh harder.

"Aw, you may be a wittle weak boy. But, that is what makes you so cute."

"But, I'm not supposed to be cute. I'm supposed to be big and bad and scary."

"I don't like you right now." I said. "If you could see the pout on my face, you would feel bad."

"No, no. You're my big bad Angel. You could hurt anyone. Hell you almost knocked that one kid out. Just for me." I smiled.

"Well. I got lucky on that one. He wouldn't stop running his mouth. If anyone says anything about you, I just feel like I could put them in a coma." James laughed.

"You guys are horrible, horrible friends." I said. MiKey giggled again.

"I love you though." I smiled big.

"I love you too.”

"Enough about how I am weak. You just make sure that those kids know what is coming to them if they do anything. If I can't take them down, I know James could and he has my back." Another small laugh.

"Okay I will."

 

---

 

So, as my dad had predicted, the first month flew by. It was over before I even saw it coming. I had struggled through the rest of the school year and just barely passed with the credits I needed. But, I made it somehow and a sighed a breath of relief now that it was summer.

Then, the next month I spent a lot of time with James. James was one of those guys who didn't like a lot of people because well…he was smarter than them. He refused to be around anyone that would act ignorant just for attention. I didn't blame him. James taught me a lot about things about life. How he saw things. How things affected him. He was a really positive person. He never let anything get him down. He taught me to just be happy with my life…even though it was hard and even though I missed MiKey so much. But, for the most part his words of wisdom helped me through the toughest times. And, unlike most guys; James was understanding. He wasn’t afraid to comfort me when I felt like dying. He wasn’t afraid to give me hugs, when I just really, really needed one. Sometimes I would miss MiKey so much and sometimes, I would just try to be happy. Most of the time it worked. But there were always those instances where I missed him so much I couldn't take it. Those times when I would see something that remind me of him. Something that made me need him.

But, James was always there for me it seemed. I can remember one time I was lying in bed at night and I let my thoughts carry me away. I had convinced myself that MiKey would want to stay in Oregon. That he had already found someone else that he just wasn't telling me about. I had convinced myself that I wasn't good enough for him. And it scared me so much and tore my heart out. I had cried myself into hysterics. I called James gasping and crying in the middle of the night. I wanted to call MiKey, but I couldn’t, or at least didn’t want to ever let him know how much I was hurting. He needed me to be strong for him. He needed me to be his person to call. If I had let on how much I truly felt, it would have broken MiKey’s heart and I couldn’t live with myself doing that to him. I wouldn’t have ever told him, but he was vulnerable and I wanted to be careful with the things I told him to protect his feelings. When I had finished crying and calmed down enough to breathe, James sighed.

"Shut up Angel. You know he loves you. He would never leave you. I can tell just by the tone in his voice. If you are that worried that he is hiding some secret from you, then just talk to him. I know you'll figure it out." He had said after I told him everything I thought and argued with him about it.

"Yeah, you’re right. I'm sorry. I just god, I am so fucked up it is ridiculous." He laughed.

"You'll be alright."

"I know."

"Just, don't think about it. Go to sleep and call him in the morning."

"Yeah. Okay. Sorry I woke you up. Night."

"No prob. What else am here for? Night." Then he hung up. I actually did feel so much better after the talk with James.

Then one night James came over and brought his girlfriend. He called me and asked if I wanted to hang out. He didn't tell me he was bringing a pint of vodka, but that is what he did.

"Hey, man what's up?" He said when I opened the door all the way. He gave me a quick hug. I noticed the bottle he had clasped in his hand.

"Nothing much. Glad you came, I'm bored shitless." I stepped out of the way and let him walk in. It only took a few seconds for me to realize there was girl standing behind him.

"Oh yeah, sorry dude I forgot to tell you that I brought my girlfriend with me. This is Mandy, hope you don't mind." I smiled.

"Nah, hey Mandy, nice to meet you." She attacked me in a big hug that caught me off guard.

"Hey Angel. Hope you don't mind that I tagged along. I was bored too and James was all like "well, I'm going to a friends, so I can't come over, but you can come with me' So I said okay!" She was cheery, but I found I didn’t mind. She wasn't fake. I could tell that was just her personality and I respected that.

"Sweet. So you guys wanna go up and play some video games or something? If not I have some movies or whatever." She squealed.

"What kind of video games do you have!?" I laughed and James grabbed her hand pulling her up the stairs. I followed behind.

"Well, I have a lot of third person shooters, since I'm not so good with first person. But, I do have a few first person." She laughed.

"Awesome. I love third person shooters." When we got to my room, I sat on the far end of the couch. Mandy sat next to me and James sat next to her.

"Hey man," I said. "You can go ahead and put the game in if you want. I gotta go talk to my dad for a minute." He nodded.

I ran down the hall to his office and opened the door.

"Hey dad. I just wanted to tell you that some of my friends are over for a little while tonight okay?" He looked up from some paper work and nodded.

"Okay, be good alright. I'm going into the office tonight and might not be back until morning." I nodded.

"Alright.”

“Have fun Angel, I love you.” I smiled some.

“Yeah, love you too dad.”

When I got back to my room, they were laughing and fighting over the controller, blast and guns shots coming from the television. I sat down as Mandy finally pried it from his hands.

"No James, you have to take turns." She whined. I laughed.

"Fine, Fine." It went that way for a little while; all of us taking a turn playing games and talking about random things. Then we listened to music for a little while, the play list consisting of mostly modern rock. James and I shared that interest and Mandy seemed to enjoy it as well. Then in the middle of a song, James turned to me.

"So man, I know that one time you told me you don't drink but-" I cut him off.

"No I do, just not at parties." He smiled.

"Awesome, because I brought a pint of vodka with me." I laughed.

"Dude. Sweet." He nodded.

"Got any good drinking games?" He asked. Mandy stood up off the floor where she was sitting.

"I can't wait. This is going to be so much fun!" She plopped down between us and put a hand on his knee and a hand on mine.

"Although, I don't know any good drinking games…" She then pouted as the words left her mouth. I stood up and went to my book shelf where I kept my shot glasses I had collected from assorted parties I had been too. I picked three and brought them back the couch and set them on the coffee table.

"Got a chaser?" He asked. I thought about it for a moment.

"Um, I think I have some orange juice down stairs, hold on." I jogged down stairs, grabbed three glasses and the new carton of orange juice from the fridge. Then I jogged back.

"Here we are children." I sat them down.

"Okay, alcohol check. Chaser, check. Game, no check." James said. I grabbed everything and put it on the hardwood floor.

"Okay guys, come get in a circle." They both came down the floor and spread out a little ways away from each other in a circle.

"Okay, so," I said as I filled each glass with orange juice and all the shot glasses with some vodka. "The game is called never have I ever. Okay? So someone says something they have never done and the people, who have done it, drink. For instance, I raise my glass and say "Never have I ever gotten a tattoo." Since I know that Mandy has cause I can see it on her neck, she takes a shot. Got it?" They both nod.

"Alright who goes first?" She asks.

"You." I said. She raises her glass.

"Never have I ever…kissed a girl." James and I took our shots respectfully. It burned going down so I quickly chase it with some Orange Juice. I shivered and grimaced.

"Okay," I said. "James you go since it goes clockwise." He nodded and raised his glass.

"Alright then. Never have I ever…kissed a guy." I rolled my eyes and filled another shot. Mandy already downed hers. I took the shot quickly and shiver the burn away.

"Okay. Never have I ever…" I said. "Drank alcohol at a party." They both took their shots.

"Never have I ever…" Mandy chanted. "Taken my top off in a drunken stupor." James took a shot.

"You've taken your shirt off before?" I asked.

"Yeah, one time I got really drunk and climbed on the coffee table. I took off my shirt and waved it around screaming 'Yee-haw Cowgirl! Yee-haw'" I cracked up.

"Oh my god…wow." He smiled.

"Alright. Never have I ever…Drove a car that cost more than twenty five thousand dollars." I took a shot.

"By the way, how much is that beauty you have out there?" He asked.

"Um, like sixty or something." He threw his hands up.

"What?" Mandy giggled.

"Man, your dad is loaded." She said.

"I know. I'm a spoiled brat. Anyway. Never have I ever…told a girl I loved her and meant it." James took a shot and Mandy took a shot.

"You have?" I asked her.

"My mom, sister, cousin, best friend…" James nodded.

"Okay we get it."

"Never have I ever…swallowed a guys come." She said and I blushed as I filled my shot glass and took a shot. Mandy laughed and James made a disgusted face.

“Gross dude.” He said. I shrugged.

“Wasn’t bad, kinda hot actually. Besides, if you love someone, you swallow at least once.” James rolled his eyes with a smile.

“She’s never done that for me.” He said and she punched his arm.

"Never have I ever…sucked a guy off." He said. I took another shot.

As the questions went on, they kept getting dirtier. I was taking more shots than the both of them combined and I could feel it. My vision was starting to blur and I was really warm. Also, I was laughing at everything. A couple questions later and it was hard to stay on task. Mandy raised her glass.

"Never have I ever…let a guy f**k me…in tttthe aaasss." She slurred on her words. I laughed so hard that I got light headed and almost fell over. I took another clumsy shot.

"Oh my god dude! Really?" I laughed hard and nodded.

"Yeah. Yeah, MiKey…he…he t-t-totally f***s me." I dropped my glass by accident. I was already smashed. I could feel it.

"You just don't seem like the kind of guy who would lay down and take it." James said.

"I know white, er right? Dude, I only did it once…err twice. But, it was the best f*****g….um…the best f*****g….f*****g I've ever had. I’m not…kidding." I slurred. He laughed. Mandy and I were totally drunk by this time. I was probably drunker than either of them though. James stumbled when he stood, but I could tell he wasn't wasted. It seemed like everything went fuzzy for a long time. I couldn’t remember what happened in that period of time but when I finally came back to a point where I could hear again properly, James was standing up.

"Alrighty, then. Mandy you’re totally buzzed. And you sir," He pointed at me. "Are totally s**t faced. Come on, enough drinking for you guys." I pawed for the vodka as he picked it up.

"Come on! I'm not finished. I need to…um….need too…." I fell over and my foot accidentally knocked over a shot of vodka.

"What the f**k…was I sssssssssayyinggg?" All the words I said seemed to come out in a slur and my vision was blurred. I felt really dizzy all the sudden and the whole room started to spin. My stomach was lurched.

"Oh man…I ddddon't feel ssso gooood." James pulled me to the sitting position. The spinning stopped only slightly.

"Thanks." I realized that all the stuff was put on the table now and the liquid magically got cleaned up somehow. I watched as James kissed Mandy and sat on the couch next to her. I stayed in the floor.

"I miss my boyfriend." I said too loudly. And suddenly, tears were in my eyes. It was so fuzzy around the edges and I couldn't really grasp what was happening. The only thing I knew was that I wanted to talk to MiKey. No, I needed to talk to him. I tried to stand but as soon as I was somewhat on my feet, I fell on my a*s. I covered my face and started to bawl drunkenly. Then I felt someone's hands on my hands, prying them from my face. James came into view.

"Come on man. Stand up. You gotta help me out a little." He grunted as he pulled me to my feet. I sniffled and soon was standing unsteadily.

"I wanna talk to MiKey. I need to talk to…um…him. I wanna talk to him." I looked around for my cell phone, but couldn't find it.

"Come on man. Sit down for a minute alright? Wait till you sober up a bit. If you still wanna call him then, you can." I stumbled to the couch and plopped down on it. I was still crying and speaking sentences that didn't make any since…into my hands.

"Aw, baby…it'll be okay. You'll see him soon enough okay. You can talk to him first thing in the morning." Mandy was trying to console me. I couldn't really hear what she was saying though. James popped in a movie and sat back down, in doing so, grabbed Mandy's hand.

"Look." I said. Gesturing to their hands. "You and you have each other. I have no one. I've always had no one. All I ever do is f**k up s**t. I push people away don't I? Do I make you guys mad or something? Do you not wanna be here right now cause of me?" I asked, every word slurring more than the last.

"No man, that's not it. We wanna be here. We think you’re awesome. We just want you to sit for a little while okay? Sit and relax. Here watch this movie with us yeah? We promise you don't make us mad." I glanced at the TV the whole thing blurring and all the colors that were moving and making me nauseous. I looked away and again tried to find my phone. When I felt it in my pocket, I pulled it out and opened it trying to see what the screen said. I couldn't read it. I glanced at them. They had their eyes glued on the TV still somewhat buzzed. I drunkenly tried to push all sorts of buttons. I squinted into the screen. I finally hit the green call button and it started to ring.

"Yes." James looked over at me.

"No, no." He said reaching for me. I pulled away.

"Hello?" MiKey's voice came into focus.

"Hey baaaaby. I missss you sooooo much. I was…f**k…I don't remember what I was gonna…." James grabbed the phone and snapped it shut.

"No, you don't need to talk to him right now. You’re just going to worry him." I shook my head. A new bout of nausea came over me.

"No, I need…to…" I gagged. James jumped up and grabbed me by the upper arms. He hauled me to my feet. I gagged again, this time stronger. He pushed me until we were walking fast to the bathroom. Then I gagged again, some liquid coming up in my throat with it. This made me cough and gag yet again only this time a ton of vodka and orange juice came up with it. Luckily, he had gotten me so that I was on my knees in front of the toilet just in time for the grand finale. I threw up all the liquid I had in my guts with a series of gag, vomit, gag, vomit. I don't know how long it lasted but it felt like forever. My phone rang. James had it in his hand and answered it.

"Hello?" I heard him say. I pressed my cheek to the toilet bowl seat and panted.

"Hello, who is this? Where is Angel? Is he okay?" I gagged again and threw up, again. Gag, vomit, gag, vomit.

"Yeah, he is fine. I'm James, his friend. You must be MiKey." James put the phone on speaker so I could hear too.

"He doesn't sound fine! Is he throwing up?" I gagged one more time but nothing came up. Then I choked a bit and flushed.

"Yeah. Me and my girlfriend came over to hang out and I brought some vodka. I didn't think he was the type to get so f*****g drunk off his a*s he can't stand…but he did. And now he is puking it all back up."

"Oh my god. He's drunk!?"

"That is an understatement. Are you done puking?" I waved my hand at him and stood up shakily. I stumbled to the sink and rinsed my mouth out, and missed my mouth most of it falling back into the sink.

"Is he okay though?"

"Yeah, he is fine. I told him not to call you but he started bawling and found his phone. I didn't know he had dialed you until he started talking. But, he looks like he is about to pass out on his feet." I grabbed the phone from him.

"MiKey, m'sorry. I didn't mean to…get…so drucking funk. I mean f*****g drunk. I just…I love you baby. I love you."

"I love you too. Go to sleep Angel okay? Go lay down. I'll call you in the morning okay?" I handed James my phone and stumbled to my bed. I collapsed on it.

"Yeah, I'll tell him. He's in bed now. Don't worry MiKey; I'll make sure he gets to sleep. Just don't worry about it okay?" The phone was still on speaker. James covered me up.

"Okay. Thanks James. And make sure he calls me in the morning if he doesn't remember this." James laughed.

"Alright, I will. Goodnight."

"Night." Then, the voices stopped. Everything went black around me.

 

------

 

When I woke up the next morning, my mouth tasted like vomit. My head was fuzzy. I sat up slowly and looked around. I didn't see anything different. I didn't see James or Mandy. When the hell had they left? Better question, what the hell happened? I stood silently from my bed and looked over at the clock. It was twelve in the afternoon. I sighed. As I walked to the bathroom, I saw that James and Mandy were asleep on my futon. My hand went to my head, the fuzziness scaring me a bit. I couldn't remember a thing that happened and I was hung over without a doubt. My head hurt, my stomach was queasy, and I was so tired still that it was ridiculous.

I stumbled to the bathroom and shut the door quietly behind me. What I saw in the mirrors startled me. My already somewhat wavy hair was mop on top of my head and my eyes were dark. I looked almost dead. I brushed my teeth profusely and rinsed with mouth wash a few times, the taste of puke refusing to leave my mouth. I sighed and took a long hot shower and changed my clothes. When I looked in the mirror again, I looked almost like my old self. The only exception was my five o clock shadow. I shaved and felt tons better.

When I walked out of the bathroom, James and Mandy were waking up. Both of them stretched like cats.

"Well, well. Good morning sunshine. How are you feelin?" James had a smile on his face. He was too cheery for me and it was making my head pound.

"Not so good." My voice cracked out. "What the hell happened last night?" James laughed.

"Calm down nothing bad. You just got trashed, said some stuff, and puked your guts out. That's all." My hands went to my head.

"Oh hell. Why the hell did you let me drink so much?" James shrugged.

"I don't know, we tried to hide the bottle from you, but you kept finding it. Oh and you should call your boyfriend, he is really worried about you." I blinked hard a few times and then shook my head to clear it.

"Okay, I'm just gonna talk long and slow and I want you to be honest with me…Why the f**k would my boyfriend be worried about me?" James and Mandy exchanged a look and I stood there waiting for them to answer.

"You called him last night right before you puked. I had no choice but to tell him what was going on." James spoke slow and let all the words sink in one at a time.

"So you are telling me that MiKey knows I was drunk last night." James nodded.

"Yeah, but I talked to him for a while after you passed out. He told me he wasn't mad at you. Although he probably is now that I think about it."

"Why?"

"Cause I accidentally told him some of the stuff you said while you were drunk." I nodded.

"And…"

"And a lot of the stuff you said was about you and MiKey…um, doin it." My hands flew to my face.

"Oh f**k!" I screamed through my fingers. "I’m such an idiot! Where's my phone? I gotta call him and fix the damage that has been done." James handed me my phone. I immediately called him. It rang three times.

"Please pick up. Please pick up."

"Hey."

"MiKey, hey baby." I started to pace around the floor. James and Mandy looked as if they were getting enjoyment out of my misery.

"Hey…so, I talked to James last night." I nodded. "Why did you drink so much?" I raked my hand through my hair.

"S**t, I don't know. I didn't mean to."

"Yeah, he told me some of the stuff you said." I paced faster.

"Yeah…?”

"Angel, how the f**k could you? I'm so f*****g embarrassed. How could you tell some of that stuff to them? That is something only you and I are supposed to know." I put my hand over my face.

"I know, I know. I didn't mean it." MiKey scoffed.

"Then why the f**k did you do it?" I scoffed to this time.

"I was drunk! I didn't mean to. I don't even remember!"

"Well, maybe if you don't have a god damn filter on your mouth, when you drink…then you shouldn't drink!" I knew it was my fault and knew he had a right to be upset. But despite how much I wanted to be calm, I couldn’t.

"I didn't MEAN TOO. I was only gonna drink a little! Then it just…escalated." MiKey sighed.

"That stuff was supposed to be only ours. No one else was supposed to know about that."

"I know…I'm sorry." I heard him sniffle.

"Yeah well, you don't need to be sorry. The damage is already done. What happened just isn't as special anymore." I simultaneously felt horrible and made. I sighed exasperated and massaged my fingers on my forehead.

"MiKey, don't say that. That's not fair. I didn't mean to besides, no matter how many people know…that doesn't change how important it was." He was crying now. Why did I always make him cry?

"You've embarrassed the f**k out of me and you told something so special…I don't know. I guess there's nothing I can do about it." My pacing had stopped and I was now sitting on my bed.

"I'm so sorry MiKey. You know I would never tell anybody those things on purpose. I know they are special. I know our times together are ours okay, and I’m really truly sorry." He sighed and sniffled.

"I know and you’re entitled to have fun sometimes, just, please watch what you say."

"I will. I promise. And I also promise that I won't be getting drunk again anytime soon." I heard him sigh.

"How do you feel?" I laid back on my bed dramatically.

"Like s**t. My head hurts, my tummy hurts and all of the above."

"If I were there right now, I'd hold you and rub your tummy." I smiled some. I looked over my shoulder. James and Mandy were collecting their things.

“Hey man, we have to get going. Thanks for letting us crash here.”

“No problem. See you guys later.” Mandy ran over ruffled my hair.

“Bye, Angel!” I laughed.

“Bye.” They left and the door clicked shut behind them.

"I miss you so much MiKey. I…I wanna see your beautiful face."

"I know. Me too. Can we not talk about it?" I sighed and rolled onto my side.

"Baby?"

"Yeah?"

"Are you okay?"

"What do you mean?"

"I'm mean like after the whole…thing that happened, are you okay?"

"Why are you asking me this?" His voice held a hint of trepidation that made my heart twist.

"I'm your boyfriend, I wanna know if you’re okay. I wanna know how you’re feeling. Please tell me." There was a long pause.

"I'm fine."

"Don't lie to me."

"I'm not. I'm fine."

"MiKey, god damn it. I know you’re not fine. How could you be? So just tell me what you’re going through."

"Angel. Stop it." My chest tightened.

"MiKey if you can't tell me, who can you tell?" I heard a hitch of breath.

"Just…stop. Stop talking about it."

"Please MiKey. Just tell me. I love you. I wanna know. I deserve to know."

"I don't wanna f*****g talk about it!" He yelled. But his voice wavered and broke in the end.

"MiKey."

"Shut up." I squeezed my pillow, hating the tone in his voice. My breathing had become more and more difficult.

"I just-"

"If you say something about it one more time, I'm hanging up." His voice was filled with tears.

"I love you. Don't ever forget that."

"I love you too."

"MiKey…do you believe me when I tell you I love you?" There was a long pause. "MiKey." I started to sob quietly. I could hear him thoroughly through the speaker pressed against my ear.

"I do."

"No, you don't." He cried harder.

"I-I…do. I do."

"Why? Why are you lying?" Without hesitation, he snapped.

"Cause I don't f*****g deserve you!" With that yelled into my ear, he disconnected the line. Nothing hurt more in the world then MiKey telling me that he didn't believe he deserved my love. Nothing hurt worse. Not even when I saw him walk away from me. It hurt so badly, but it seemed like I was starting to go numb.