Chapter Five: It's hard to tell what's real anymore.

 

 

He laughed as I pulled him all the way off the bed, and flung his shoes towards his feet. I quickly slipped mine on and grabbed my keys. He walked over to me and I took his hand. I eagerly pulled him to the door. I called to my dad.

"Dad, I'm going to the movies. Be back in a little while. Bye." I didn't stop to hear a response or too see if he heard me. I held on to MiKey's hand while walking quickly to the garage. When we finally got there, I opened the garage door. MiKey walked around the car to the passenger side. I unlocked the door and sat in, MiKey followed suit. He looked over at me, I looked back and smiled at him.

"You want to listen to some music?" He nodded. "Well, the case is under your seat. All my CD's are in there. You can pick whatever you want." I waited for MiKey to have the case in his lap before I backed out. After he had it zipped open and ready to go I started the car and backed out. He flipped through it slowly looking at all of them. Then he finally chose one. When he put in and clicked to a certain number on the track, I knew who it was.

"Wrap me in a bolt of lightning,

Send me on my way still smiling,

Maybe that's the way I should go,

Straight into the mouth of the unknown,

I left the spare key on the table,

Never really thought I'd be able,

To say I nearly visit on the weekends,

I lost my whole life and a dear friend."

I hadn’t listened to that album in a long time. I glanced over at MiKey and he was singing the words to this. The music was pretty loud, so I couldn't hear his voice but I wished I could.

"Call me a sinner,

Call me a saint,

Tell me it's over,

I'll still love you the same,

Call me your favorite,

Call me the worst,

Tell me it's over,

I don't want you hurt,

It's all that I can say,

So I'll be on my way."

I glanced over again and MiKey had his feet in the seat with his knees pulled up to his chest. He was resting his chin on his knees watching the scenery pass by out the windshield. There was something completely and utterly special about this boy, but I hadn’t figured it out yet. I pulled my cigarettes out of my jeans pocket and pulled one out just to calm my nerves. I put one between lips, grabbed my lighter, and lit up. It felt so good. I looked over again and MiKey was looking at me. He averted his eyes when I did.

"What?" I turned down the radio a little bit.

"Um…it's just. C-can I have a cigarette?" I smiled. I pulled one out and handed it to him.

"Yeah." He grabbed the lighter and inhaled deeply as he lit it. I'm guessing he doesn't get to smoke much.

"I only started because I couldn't handle the stress. I'd steal them from my dad, when he was passed out or left the room. I don't smoke very often." That confirmed my suspicions.

"I used to not. But lately, I just felt like I need them." He nodded. I turned the music back up and tapped on the steering wheel, flicking my ashes every so often into the ash tray. MiKey did the same. It didn't take long to get to the movie theaters. When I got there I pulled in and I looked over at MiKey.

"Um MiKey?" I knew what I was about to say was really important because I've only known MiKey for like three weeks and it seemed so rushed to say it. I feel like I've known MiKey all my life. I couldn't begin to explain how I felt it with the course of a few weeks. If this is in fact real then my whole life could change. It could finally mean something, finally have a purpose. And to tell you the truth, after having been closed  off emotionally from any of the family I had left, it scared me. The fact that it might just all change nothing short of terrified me.

"Yeah?" I took a breath and said the words I had been looking for.

"I just want to say that I'm sorry in advance for all of the things I won't be able to do for you. I can't hold your hand or kiss you or anything special unless we're alone. I’m just…sorry because I know that it’ll hurt you." He looked at the floorboard. Then he looked up at me and the emptiness in his eyes made my breath catch. As soon as I saw the flicker of emotion, it was gone.

"Angel. I don't care about anyone else. I just need... You actually like me and hell maybe you even care, that's all I need from you." I felt a little bit of resentment at his words but I didn’t let it show.

"Yes I care MiKey. You have to understand this. That is why I'm doing this. I care about you. You are one of the greatest people I've ever met. You’re so damn sweet and hell, I like you so much you have cause me to change the way I live my life completely. That has to count for something." He blushed and looked out of his window.

"I understand." I glanced around the parking lot to make sure no one was around even though I knew no one could see through the tinted glass windows, and then I softly caressed his cheek.

"I'm scared MiKey. I'm not going to lie and say that I'm not because I am. I'm so scared of feeling something for you, not because I don’t want to, I do…but it’s sudden. More than that, I can’t tell anyone. If my dad found out… if anyone found out then I'm at risk for everything. I'd lose my father because it would hurt his reputation; I do all of this stupid s**t because of him. He doesn't realize the f*****g prison he has trapped me in. And sure I don't talk to him all that much, but he is the only family I have left. I'd lose my place on the basketball team and I'd get harassed every day but more than that, I'd be putting you at risk. I couldn't live with myself if you got really hurt because of me. The people who are my friends are dangerous. So, yeah I'm scared and not only for me but for you. I want to be there for you MiKey but I can't until you know exactly what it is you’re getting yourself into. Okay?" I found the words I was saying to be completely selfish. I could feel it. I could feel how selfish they were but it was the truth. I couldn’t tell anyone. He looked at me and inhaled deeply. I just sat in silence waiting for him to say something. He finally looked over at me.

"Angel, I don't won't to be the reason you lose everything you have. As far as me getting hurt goes, well I can take a beating. I just-I don't know." I stared at the steering wheel for a really long time.

"So…what are you saying?" He exhaled and then looked away from me with tears in his eyes.

"I can't be the one who ruins your life. I can't be the one who takes it all away just because I am selfish. But I don’t want to just be your friend. I don’t know if I could do that…" The tears spilled down his face.

"MiKey, I can keep my personal life a secret okay? No one has to know about that. It's no one's business but ours. If we're careful, no one will ever know. We just have to keep it a secret until I graduate, then we can tell anyone we want. I just need to know if you'll be okay keeping it secret." He forlornly nodded. I hugged him to me and kissed his forehead.

"I can do it Angel. I just need you." I kissed his tears then his lips softly.

"Come on now MiKey. We're going to be okay. Just stop crying okay? Quit crying and we'll go and have a good time, we'll watch a movie then go and get something to eat." I wiped some of the tears away and I  kissed him again. He smiled and nodded. I was happy to see him happy.

"Yeah."

“Yeah?”

“So…is this like…a first date?” He asked me and I smiled at him.

“Yeah, yeah I guess it is.”

“Good.” He responded. I leaned over to kiss his lips again before I pulled my key out of the ignition and opened my door. We met at the front of the car.

"What do you wanna see?" I asked. He shrugged.

"I don't know. I don't really ever get a chance to watch movies." I nodded.

"Okay well, we'll just see what looks good." He looked over at me with a sweet smile. When we got inside we went to the billboards and looked at what was playing that day.

"What looks interesting to you? Cause I don't see anything worthwhile." He shrugged.

"I don't know." I nudged him.

"You don't know much do you?" I said with a smile.

"No I don't. I guess I’m just an idiot." I laughed.

"How could you be with all the reading you do? If it were me I'd steal movies not books." He laughed.

"Yeah well books last longer and are always better than movies."

"Oh look at this!" He looked up at me when I got excited.  I stood about five foot ten and MiKey was really short. His head came to my chin just barely. I found his small stature to be really quite adorable..

"What is it?" He asked innocently.

"That action movie that came out a few weeks ago is playing!" He shrugged.

"I’ve never heard of it. Is it supposed to be good?”

"Well if we watch it than we’ll know." I headed over to the ticket counter and handed the guy my money and got the tickets. Then I looked back at MiKey.

"You want some popcorn? Something to drink?" He smiled.

"Sure, popcorn." I ordered a large popcorn and a water. I walked over to MiKey and handed him the water.

"Could you hold that for me?" He smiled and nodded.

When we got in the movie theater there was basically no one there. There wasn't anyone out in the ticket and concession part, but besides us, I think there was one guy and a girl in the theater. He had his arm slung around her. We sat near the back, because I hate to sit near the screen in a movie, plus I wanted to be behind the couple down there. We arranged everything and got comfortable.

"This movie isn't going to scare me is it?" I glanced at MiKey.

"I don't think so, it's an action movie." I laughed. He smiled back.

"Good." He looked back at the screen as the previews started up. Throughout the movie, MiKey was getting into it. It was cute to see him having a good time and just forgetting about all the stupid drama we both had to deal with. It kind of sucked because tomorrow was Sunday and I hated Sundays because Sundays led to Mondays and I hated Mondays. I hated them with a passion. MiKey was really enjoying all of the shooting and cursing. I smiled at him. I wanted to just kiss the excited expression right off his face. So, I grabbed his face and pulled him into a long slow kiss. When I pulled away he had his eyes closed. I pecked his lips one more time then he opened them.

"What was that for?" He asked.

"I just felt like kissing you." He smiled and then looked back at the screen. I grabbed his hand and held it loosely. I noticed the soft ghost of a smile on his lip and it made my heart beat faster.

I had this awful sinking feeling that I was going to miss him when he went home. I had already decided he was the only one who actually got me. The only one who actually cared about my feelings and not just caught up on the fact that my dad had more money than I was worth.

After the movie was over MiKey looked at me with an expression that resembled bliss.

"That was…hands down the greatest movie I have ever seen. I may not have seen many, but I've seen enough to know that that movie was the best." I smiled then I quickly searched the theater to see if anyone was there. When I confirmed that there wasn't anyone else there anymore, I lean in to kiss him.

"I'm glad you enjoyed it. You ready to get some food now. You’re bound to be hungry. When was the last time you ate?" He shrugged.

"I don't know, sometime yesterday." I urged him up.

"And you’re not hungry?" He nodded.

"No, I am." I grabbed his hand and went to walk out the isle.

"Let’s go then." He smiled as I pulled him along with me.

We had a pretty uneventful lunch. We talked a lot. I hate it when Candy wants to talk, but with MiKey it's comforting because he really cares. And with him, it isn't just shopping, make up, and popularity. I get sick of hearing the same old thing over and over. It was pretty cool, because when MiKey was comfortable with me, I could tell. He likes to talk and that is all okay because I like hearing his voice.

“You have video games? I didn’t even see them when I was there.” He said. We had gotten onto the topic of games.

“Yeah, I have a play station in the closing doors of my entertainment center.”

“You should have told me! We could have just stayed at your house and played video games all afternoon!” I laughed.

“I will remember that next time.” I was sad when the time to leave came. I learned a lot about MiKey. I think he learned a lot about me too. When it was time to leave I paid the bill and we left. After we were in the car and on our way out, I realized it was getting time for him to go home.

"It's getting about that time. Do you want me to just take you home now?" He looked out the window.

"Yeah, that would probably be a good idea." I just nodded and drove in the direction to his house. We drove in silence the whole way there. No talking, no music, just silence and it was killing me.

Once I was pulled over a couple houses down from his (he wanted me to because he was scared his dad might be home) I looked over at him and smiled.

"I'm glad you had a good time. Just call me if you need anything okay? My phone is always on, any hour." He nodded.

"Thank you so much Angel. Thanks for everything. I just um I want to say I'm- never mind." He blushed and went to leave. I pulled him back slightly and pressed my lips to his softly. Then I pushed the hair behind his ear.

"Bye." He was blushing, then he smiled.

"Bye." He left the car and walked a little ways up the sidewalk. When he was far enough away, I just did a U-turn in the road and headed back to my house. When I got home, that car was out of the driveway and I parked in my usual place in the garage, then I headed in through the side door and toed off my shoes. I waked into the living room to see my dad on the couch filling out some sort of papers. He looked up when I sat down in the chair farthest from him.

"Hello Benjamin. How are you today?" I cringed automatically.

"Please don't call me that. You want me to respect you, but you can't even call me by my name." He set down his papers.

"Well that is your name isn't it? Benjamin. It's on your birth certificate am I wrong?" I huffed, a small flare of anger flaming up in my chest.

"Yes." I responded. He nodded.

"So tell me Benjamin. Why is it that you don't want me to call you by your name?" He knew that ever since I was little I hated the name Benjamin. I felt myself snap.

"I'll f*****g tell you why! I hate it because you and mom used to call me that! I hate the name. I hate her! And it seems like your trying awfully hard to get me to hate you too! So, just stop calling me f*****g Benjamin, if you don't want to lose me too!" I went to storm out of the room. He caught me by the arm.

"Why do YOU insist on treating me like I'm dirt! Like I've never done a single good thing for you in your life. It's not like I abuse you. I don't slap you around or make you sleep out in the cold! I give you everything you want. Everything!" I pulled my arm out of his grasp.

"If you’re trying to gain daddy points you’re not doing a very bad job. Contrary to popular god damn belief, it isn't about giving me things. What do you think? It works by gifts?! You think 'oh I gave Angel a car, now I don't have to talk to him for another few months. Oh I named a school after him, now I can ignore him for a year and it'll all be okay!' It doesn't work that way DAD! You can't buy me off DAD! Is that what you want to hear? DAD! Is that what you want me to call you?! Can't you understand that you’re silently killing me? Did you know I can't be myself around anyone, without the fear it'll be bad for your reputation? Huh? Because I can't seem to remember who I am anymore and it's all your fault! After mom left, you act like I don't exist anymore. And it hurts. It hurts because at one time you actually loved me." I was panting hard by the end of my speech. I had never intended on telling him any of that, I just snapped. I was tired of it being a one way street with him. I was sick of it and I missed having a father.

"I-I…" He had opened his mouth to say something, but nothing worth hearing came out.

"So I was right. You don't really love me anymore? I'm not a son to you anymore. Is that the way it is? Because if so you really should have told me sooner." I stormed away from him and up the stairs, frustrated tears in my eyes. I couldn’t believe that really just happened. What was he going to do? Just forget that I even exist and never face me again? That seems logical. When I got to my room, I slammed the door as hard as I could like the teenager I am and forced the tears back. The first time in years that I was able to cry and I wouldn’t allow myself to do it. I choked back a sob and moved over to my bed. I fell onto it face first and tried my hardest to not let the tears fall. I didn't succeed. They escaped. I clutched onto the sheets as wave after wave of pent up emotion racked my body. I gasp and choke, my face planted firmly into the bed. I don't know how long I cried, but I just cried and it felt awful at first. While it was happening, it felt horrible but after I was done and just kind of calmed, it felt good. It felt like a lot was taken off my shoulders and I just kind of felt this calm nirvana. I glanced over and saw the shirt MiKey had taken off, laying on my floor. I picked it up and held it to my face. I inhaled deeply, the smell of cigarettes, laundry detergent, and cologne mixing together into the best smell I've ever smelled in my life. I wanted to be enveloped in it. Just stay there forever. MiKey had changed a lot of things about me and I wasn’t so sure that I cared. I just breathed it in for I don't how long until I heard the knock on my door. I quickly shoved the shirt under my pillow and straightened out my disheveled self. Then the door opened slowly. I slumped over and tried to hide my face. He walked in slowly and sat on the bed.

"Angel? I'm so sorry." I looked up when he said my name. My name. "I-I don't want to yell anymore. I knew that things weren't going to just go back to normal after your mom left me. Left us. I broke down. It-It hurt me so much when she left and I know that doesn't give me any right to do the things that I did to you, but I did and I'm sorry. After your mom left I just sort of snapped. I've been in my office for the last 3 years. Avoiding you. Avoiding life itself. I'm so sorry Angel. I didn't know that I had hurt you that bad. You're my son. I love you. I love you so much. Don't ever think I don't. I tried to give you those things because I wanted you to be happy. I didn't want you to feel like you were missing something your whole life. But how could you not? When both your parents decided to abandon you? How could you not? You're the most important thing to me Angel, and I don't want to lose you too." I cried again. This time I didn't try to hide it from him.

He hugged me and kissed the top of my head. I clung to him tightly and refused to let go for I don't know how long. Then I pulled back and he wiped the tears away from my face. I felt like a little kid.

"I'll try my hardest to make it up to you Angel. Be the father I'm supposed to be. But there is one thing you have to promise me…" He said it calmly. So calmly in fact that all the fear I had before then was gone.

"What?"

"Promise you'll tell me when you notice I'm becoming the world's worst father." I nodded. He had no idea how much of a good father he was, compared to MiKey's. I wanted to tell him then. I wanted to just say dad…I think I’m gay and I think I may be in a relationship with someone. I felt the urge to say it out loud and they words were right at the tip of my tongue. I had rushed into concluding my feelings about MiKey. I had rushed into being with him…at least I think that’s what we were. Why not rush into telling my dad? But I decided against it. He loved me now, but would he still love me when he found out he had a gay son that could tarnish his reputation?

"You want to do something? Maybe go bowling or something?" I glanced up at him for a moment then looked away.

"Sure." He smiled.

"Come on then. Let’s go catch up kay?" He stood up. I followed behind him, down the stairs and to the garage. At that point I was feeling less than happy again. Would I ever be able to tell him? What if this thing with MiKey was real and it got serious. What if I even loved him someday? Would I be able to tell my dad?

Once we were in his car and backing down the driveway, he glanced over at me.

"I saw you leaving this morning with that boy. Is he alright?" I nodded.

"Yeah. He's just a friend from school. He is really shy and since he is a hybrid people take it upon themselves to beat the s**t out of him. He was really shaken up so I told him he could stay here last night."

"It's a shame someone would tear up a beautiful specimen like that." I shook my head, not believing what he had just said.

"He isn't a specimen. He is just a normal human being. Just like you and me. There is no difference in the way he acts compared to other people." I said, feeling a little aggravated. MiKey was a person. An amazing one at that.

"I know that. It's just not something I am used. I was taught to question certain things." I sighed.

"I get it. It's just makes me mad when people hurt him just because of who he is." I was really concerned about that, but deeper I was really concerned about how his father treated him. I knew, in the back of my mind that I should say something. I knew I should just speak up but every time I felt like I was going to, I stopped. I wasn’t ready to break his trust. He had asked me to keep quiet and I wasn’t sure if I really should or not. I was conflicted. I was an idiot.

"You remind me more and more of your mother every day you know that?" I didn't respond to that. I didn’t want to.

 It didn't take us long to get to the bowling alley. We bought our shoes, got some drinks and chose our bowling balls. Once I was up to roll, I lazily threw it down the lane and knocked over two pins. We didn’t talk much when we bowled and focused on the game. We didn't talk much, besides chat it up a little here and there about trivial things like his work or what I was doing at school. Once the game was over and nothing particularly groundbreaking had happened, we ordered a pizza and sat down to eat.

"So tell me Angel…what is going on with you lately?" I took a bite of pizza and shrugged. I was quiet for a moment then decided I wanted to tell him about MiKey. I decided I was going to do it indirectly.

"Well there is this girl…I've only known her for a few weeks and I'm kind of hung up on her." I said carefully and trying to be convincing.

"Oh yeah, what's she like?" I sipped my drink and couldn’t help the smile that crept onto my face.

“She’s great. She’s really sweet and  shy. We have a lot in common and I find it really easy to talk to her and be around her.” He looked at me confused for a moment.

“Don’t you have a girlfriend? What’s her name again? Candy?”

"Yeah …yeah I am. But I’m not sure how I feel about her. Actually, I know I don’t really feel anything for her. In fact, I don’t even want to be with her anymore.” He pressed his lips together.

“Okay, so what is the problem with this other girl?” He asked.

“Well I'm kind of in a tight spot see? Cause she is very different. I don't think that any of my friends would accept her. In fact they already make fun of her behind her back so I know they wouldn't. Plus, I'm dating Candy and if I broke up with her for this girl then I know that Candy would hurt her. I don't want to put her at risk like that. Also, it would ruin everything I have because everyone looks down on her. So, I don't really know what to do. I really, really like her though. I feel like something serious could happen with her." He looked at me kind of funny. I was afraid maybe he had caught on that it was really MiKey I was talking about and that he would get really upset. He just nodded.

"What's this girl's name?" I panicked slightly and said the first thing that came to mind.

"Michelle…What do you think I should do?" He shrugged.

"Well, maybe you should just see this girl for a while on the down-low and see how it plays out. If it goes well than maybe you'll want to take it farther. Before you do anything with her though, you need to break it off with Candy. Don’t cheat on her. She doesn’t deserve that just because you don’t have anything in common.” I sighed. If only it were that easy.

"Thanks dad." He punched my arm slightly.

"That's what I'm here for." I smiled some. It felt good to have part of him back.

 

The next day at lunch I saw MiKey sitting in the hall, reading. I left Candy at the table, with all the rest of our friends.

"Where are you going?" She asked me with far more attitude than needed.  I almost cringed.

"I got to go to the bathroom, f**k. Layoff." I had become more and more distant from her and she hadn’t seemed to notice or care. She had called me one day to b***h at me for not taking her home the night of the party. I just sat and listened to her rant for a half an hour. She huffed and went back to her conversation.

I walked to the hall and smiled some. When I was sure no one in the cafeteria could see me, I grabbed his hand. I glanced around once more before I pulled him to his feet.

"What are you…?” Once he was to his feet I grabbed his book.

"Sorry. Come here." I walked fast down the hallway, not letting go of his hand. No one was in the hall during lunch. The teachers were in their classrooms or in the cafeteria and all the students as well.

I pulled him into an empty little room with a desk and some other books. It was almost dark besides some light from a window, dusty, and nearly empty because no one used it. It was nearly hidden in the crook of a wall. Everyone just suspected it to be another janitor's closet. I closed the door softly and locked it.

I pressed him against the wall and kissed him hungrily, dropping his book to the floor in the process. He reciprocated and our tongues were touching a second later. After neither of us could breathe, I pulled away.

"God, I've been waiting for that kiss all night and day." I said with a sigh, putting one hand on the wall above his head and the other on his hip. He smiled.

"Glad I could be of assistance." I smiled.

"What are you doing tonight after school?" He shrugged.

"Well, my dad is going to pick me up and then he leaves to go somewhere and I'm free for the night. So I guess I could call you whenever he leaves?" I nodded.

"Yeah. I really want you to come over tonight." He nodded. I kissed him again. We proceeded to do that the rest of the hour and I looked at my phone right before the bell rang.

"You go out and go to your little spot and I'll slip out as the bell rings." He nodded and I kissed him one more time.

 

It went that way for the next month and a half. We would meet in the room during lunch, he'd come over and stay the night at my house nearly every night. We steadily grew closer and closer. It was hard when he had to stay home on Sunday's. I missed him during the day at school and he was usually all I would think about.

One day we were sitting in my room talking about a project I was forced to do for English. He randomly got up and clicked on the radio. He told me once how Daven had always given him CD’s and music and that was where most of his taste grew from. I didn't really like talking about his ex-boyfriend. It was really weird to me that he was actually in a normal teen relationship at another point in his life. But I guess what pissed me off the most was that even though his boyfriend was an a*****e to him most of the time, he never kept MiKey a secret. In a way that makes him better than me and that really hurt to think about. All I could do was show him I care unlike Daven ever did. He didn't care about MiKey at all. I care about him more than I think anyone does and I guess that is all that is important. That is what he continued to tell me anyway. When I was feeling down about the whole situation or just plain pissed at the world around me, he always made me feel better. Whether he was kissing the hurt away or just simply leaning on my shoulder, he made it better. Just being around him makes me feel like it would all work out in the end. That in the end, all of this will be worth every minute I had to spend with the pain and the guilt.

All the feeling I had for MiKey were completely new to me. They were things I never felt with Candy. Starting off, I felt genuinely happy and interested. He made me feel alive instead of unaffected. He fueled my emotions and it was something I hadn't let myself feel in years. But, the best part was that I made him happy. It made me feel amazing when I make him blush or when I made him smile. His smiles made me just f*****g melt. MiKey had shown me so many things that I had lost touch with when my mom left. He'd shown me complete nirvana. I seriously considered that he was the greatest thing that had ever happened to me.

He managed to wiggle his way into my life with little to no effort and I liked it.

He turned on the radio behind me and looked at me.

"What?" I thought it was an innocent question.

"What? What? I just turned on the radio." I shrugged.

"Okay, you just never do that and I was wondering why you decided to now." He just shrugged.

“I felt like it. Hey, this is a good song. Dance with me.” I smiled and rolled my eyes.

“No thanks, I don’t dance.”

“Don’t be such a pansy. Come on.” He grabbed both of my hands and pulled me too my feet. He started throwing his arms around and jumping up and down. I laughed and he grabbed me, forcing me to move with him. We laughed and spazzed out for the remainder of the song. When it ended we were both panting from jumping around to ear splittingly loud music. I turned off the radio and looked at him. He snickered, trying not to laugh. I couldn’t help it though and he couldn’t either. We collapsed on the floor and laughed for the longest time. I got to the point where I couldn't breathe and was clutching my stomach on my back. He was doing the same with his head next to mine. I was gasping for air, tears in my eyes. Finally I caught my breath and looked at MiKey. This only set me into another fit of laughter he did too. Neither one of us heard my door open. When my dad cleared his throat, I sat up immediately; my face becoming sober. I noticed MiKey sit up too backing away slowly. We weren't touching in any way but I still felt guilty.

"Angel, what do you think you're doing?" I shook my head.

"Uh nothing. Why?" He leaned against the door.

"Well you had that music so loud I could hear it booming in the other room. Then it just goes off after about a minute. I didn't know what the hell was going on; you never have your music up loud." I shrugged.

"Sorry. We were just doing our homework and a really good song came on so we turned it up." He nodded.

"Okay, just try to keep it down alright?" I nodded. After he had left, MiKey and I both breathed a sigh of relief. I looked over at him and he cracked a small smile. I punched his arm slightly then leaned in to kiss him.

One night he was staying over again and we were lying on my bed. He was cuddled against me, twirling my hair in his fingers.

"Hey MiKey?"

"Yeah?" His voice seemed kinda distant.

"Can I ask you a kind of personal question?" He nodded.

"Sure."

"How far have you…gotten before? With a guy…" He was quiet for a few beats and stopped twirling my hair.

"Does it matter?" I looked down at him to make eye contact.

"To me, yeah it kinda does." He sighed.

"Why?” He asked me.

“Well…I’ve never done this with a guy before. I mean, you were essentially my first kiss. I just wanted to know…” He rested his head on my chest again.

“I’ve uh, been given head before. And I uh I have given it. With Daven." I shivered. The thought of MiKey's head between that a*****e's legs made me shiver.

“Does that change the way you feel about me?" He asked, looking up at me again.

“What? No, no of course not. Everyone has a past.” He nodded. “Is that all you did?” I asked him and he sighed, obviously not wanting to talk about it.

"Like?"

"Like did you…” He trailed off, not sure if I wanted the answer.

"No…tell me." I shrugged.

"Did you f**k him?” I asked, bluntly. I felt him cringe.

“Angel…” I sighed.

“What do you think is going to happen if you tell me the truth? Do you think I am going to be mad at you or something?”

“Maybe.” He said.

“I’m not. I fucked Candy in a janitor’s closet. Does that make you mad at me?” I asked him.

“Recently?” His voice was suddenly sad and I realized I had made a mistake.

“No, not recently. I haven’t so much as kissed her since we started seeing each other.” I felt him relax against me like a weight had been lifted off of him.

“Oh…”

“I just want to know because I’ve never done anything with a guy and I just want to understand where you are coming from.” I said softly.

“Once. I fucked him once.” He said. “I regretted it. I didn’t even really want to but he practically begged me. I don’t know why I didn’t just say no. I guess I just wanted him to love me.” His voice was soft.

“So you had sex with him. Did you…were you…I mean…” I knew what I wanted to ask, but I didn’t know how. I felt my face flush.

“No, I really fucked him. I was on top. He actually said the words ‘come on, I’ll let you f**k me.’” I frowned some.

“You didn’t want to…you don’t like…secretly hate me too right?” I asked, knowing that the answer no but wanting to hear him say it.

“You are an idiot for asking that.” He responded and I smiled.

“I am an idiot. I don’t even know why you like me.” I said. He looked up at me with a grin.

“I don’t either.” Before I could respond, he kissed me sweetly, pressing his lips against mine, half smiling, half puckering his lips. I smiled and moved my kiss to his neck. I then slipped my hand up his shirt some to run my hand up his side to caress him wherever I could get my hand. Then that little kiss to his neck became a lick and the moan I got made it a suck. I sucked and licked at that same spot for a while until it was red.

"Mmm. Angel. As much as I am enjoying this…I have to get home." I pulled back and frowned. He had a red mark on his neck.

"S**t. Ever consider turtlenecks?" He looked confused for a moment and then his hand flew to his neck.

"Angel! Giving me hickey's now?"

"Sorry." I pouted. "But you didn't stop me, so it's just as much your fault." He smiled.

"You make it very hard for me to be mad at you." I got up. I extended my hands to him and he grabbed them, I proceeded to pull him to his feet.

"Yeah well that is what I aim for." He pushed me slightly and then hugged me.

"You smell good, you know that?" I kissed his hair.

"Well, I did take a shower today, people do that now-a-days." He laughed.

"Don't be a smart-a*s. I was trying to complement you." I push my face in his hair.

"Gee. I'm so sorry." He said. A few moments went by of me just holding him, his face pressed to my chest. "I don't want you to go home."

"I know. I don't want to either, but I have to if I don't want to get slapped around." He frowned.

"MiKey don't say that."

"It's true Angel. He hits me. That's okay though I can deal with it." I pulled away from him.

"I know. I know your strong MiKey but it's difficult to just stand back and do nothing while he does that stuff. It's hard. Every time he hits you I wanna kill the son-of-a-b***h." He nodded.

"Yeah, but…You can't do anything stupid and I can't do anything stupid if I don't wanna get sent away.” I was confused.

"What do you mean, sent away?" He sat on the futon and I sat beside him.

"I thought already told you this." I shook my head.

“I think you failed to mention it.”

 "Well…my dad doesn't really have me registered with him. He bought my papers under the table from the people who had me in England. He never registered me. If he goes to jail, or if they find out that I'm not really his, then I go to foster care. And to tell you the truth, I'd rather be here with him then in some scary place I don't know and possibly getting adopted by people who I won't want to be with. And now that I have you…It gives me even more of a reason to wanna stay." I frowned deeply, not liking what I heard.

"I don't want you to go either." He grabbed my hand and laid his head on my shoulder.

"I won't."

“But at what cost?” I asked.

“I can deal.” I sighed.

“I wish you didn’t have to.”

“Me too.”