Your ghost hides in corners of our wrinkled sheets
reaching out transparent hands to grasp at my foolishness.
I've never enjoyed swimming naked in guilt's sea -
It leaves me dripping remorse.
It seems, death's formidable grip can trump a full hand
of indifference every time.
The mundane, repetitious days of our existence
held me in perspective as one
too ambivalent to shake his disembodied shoulders.
The scent of your demise to me seemed innocuous -
fleeting, and unable to bloom;
But, flowers - I've discovered - are fragile things
that in a short period of time
will die from the slightest chill.
And I...unbelievably -
immersed in my neglectful, narrow corner -
unable to sympathize or relate to simple needs -
never noticed at all -
your petals -
falling one by one.
How often have men picked their flower in life only to ignore her later through the trials of marriage? Her tears like petals have fallen. Now, through her absence, he realizes too late, what he has done: Disregarded and Ignored his soul mate.
Note to self: Changed the picture and a couple of words.
A quick note:
~~This is by far my most popular poem. And yet, it didn't start that way. Many young people are offended by advice or suggestions from others. They feel insulted that someone would critique their writing.
As for me, I came here not just to share my writing but to learn as well. If it wasn't for suggestions from Rick Puetter and Girl Friday (see below) I don't think the poem would have been as good. The poet Richard also helped me fine tune the poem and it is now--after all these years--(in my mind) complete.
We can always learn from other people as long as we know they have more experience and know-how than us.~~
My Review
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I think you have something quite promising here. The first stanza is very well done and the first part of the second stanza is beautiful - sad and dripping of remorse...love it. The poker reference, though - for me - depletes the balance of beauty, loss, and angst you've worked hard to accrue. It seems jarringly out of place to me, especially when you account for the entirety of the piece. It's a metaphor way out of place. Can you tell I feel strongly about this one? ;) There's no need to insert a trite and overused metaphor here when you were doing so well. I'd urge to reconsider here.
The third stanza, while leveraging some nice imagery and wording, gets a little muddled for me - but i think that is a matter of style and what you were going for. I feel the messaging could be stronger, clearer, and more succinct.
I really enjoyed the last stanza, save for "icy, dark, neglectful corner"...I'd like to see either a more powerful image conjured up here or a more economical way to say what you're saying because you lose the flow and some of the beauty that could be in this line.
I think your work here is strong. You can do even better though.
*disclaimer - I generally review as if the writer actually cares about my opinion and is looking for suggestions to improve. I understand sometimes pieces are simply laid out to share and enjoy responses with no intention of re-writing/working. That is totally fine with me - I just review under different assumptions, so I hope my critique is taken constructively.
CM
Thank you for your thoughts CM. I take all opinions seriously. Being I hardly write anymore I will c.. read moreThank you for your thoughts CM. I take all opinions seriously. Being I hardly write anymore I will consider your ideas for a future revision. My talents for writing poetry have waned and as a result, I have taken more to reviewing. I will think about what you've said when I'm ready to revise. Thank you very much, I appreciate it.
11 Years Ago
only desires wane...talent simply tarnishes a bit when neglected ;)
Feel free to turn a critic.. read moreonly desires wane...talent simply tarnishes a bit when neglected ;)
Feel free to turn a critical eye to any of my work in return...I'm just knocking the rust off as well.
11 Years Ago
My time is shorter now, but I certainly will. Thanks.
But where I always ends up, is seeking the writers meaning.
I want to know what someone is telling me.
Now you have told me and there is an immediate spark of recognition.
Loss of your partner for good or ill?
Your top photo.
That is how you were feeling.
Just head in hands
Complete despair.
Nowhere to run.
Nowhere to hide.
Everything you ever believed in before flushed down the toilet of life.
Maybe that is where all heads were meant to be - in hands.
When I lost my first wife, I was working our of Marseille in France and she out of London.
When she cut it, albeit I was paying the bills, I had to do hotels to keep it on an even keel.
But every day I walked through Marseille, I thought of her.
I walked through shop windows on Valentine's day and I thought of her.
I wrote her letters on planes thinking of her.
But in the end it was not returned.
She was simply f*****g another guy.
Every morning I woke up at 4am, thinking about her and she told me to f**k off.
Such is despair.
Such is reality.
But Relic?
In the end we live and we learn.
One can only hope so.
I have lived at times I think think too much of life.
If there is colour I have missed it resides beyond the spectrum.
What you have done here and so well, is to describe the unwanted and not sought tragedy of life.
I like it when writers are so RAW.
Read my profile.
I am raw.
Watch me move.
I am inspired by your poem, if not also taken back to a life lost.
Read my Putney Bridge, my Boat Race.
The sentiment is precisely the same.
Life is for the living.
Cling on as I do.
Don't die.
You have just offered us something we may all have lived.
Go offer us more.
Don't be a Relic.
Stay current as you do here so well.
Your friend
James Hanna-Magill
Posted 11 Years Ago
11 Years Ago
Thanks so much for the incredible review James. You are a unique writer here at WC and stand out fro.. read moreThanks so much for the incredible review James. You are a unique writer here at WC and stand out from the crowd. I'm so sorry to hear about your wife, that certainly is a tragedy in itself.
All the poetry I've ever written was from my imagination although I'm sure reality is somewhere between the lines that even I don't know about. My time here is not as abundant as I'd wish but I'll be sure to read the poems you've mentioned when I can.
You are an asset to this site and people here can see that. It's good that you can share your talents here and I wish you luck with all your future writings.
This is always how life seems to work, we always wait till it's too late to appreciate what we have. You only realize it when it's gone. I love the way you've written this so beautifully. The flow is spot on and carries the reader away with the emotions the narrator feels. Helps readers to learn not to be like the narrator. Awesome job as always. 100/100
I like how you use powerful words that just roll over the tongue like a hard candy. It's also very heavy when read outloud (I did so just so I could feel the pause you have in your final stanza). Fantastic.
beautifully written. At first I thought she was deceased but then I read your note and what you have said is so true. From what I have observed it is not just the man who ignores the woman after years of marriage, both are often found guilty. I enjoy reading your work.