DL - Plots

Ninth chapter of the initial section of A House Fractured entitled Darkness Looming.

Li walked out of the cathedral in a daze. It was a few blocks before she started to look about her. The sun was low in the sky, casting long shadows on Heilyn.

At the corner, she glanced down a slip. Shadows shrouded the narrow path. She decided to walk to straight to Regent Boulevard. From there, she could head straight to the river and then the castle complex.

Halfway down the boulevard, Li heard a muffled cry of pain. Down a veiled slip, she saw a dark figure hitting someone cowering again the wall. As the figure hit the person again, there was a louder cry.

�You are a pathetic excuse of a man,� the figure growled.

�I told you it could be not be done.� The cowering person moaned. Li recognized R�n�n�s voice.

�All you had to do was make sure a door was unlocked.�

�You won�t listen.�

�I think you are not trying hard enough. Maybe you need more of an incentive.� As the attacker�s arm started to move, Li jumped into the slip.

�Hey!� She yelled out. The figure stopped, to look at her.

�This has nothing to do with you.� The words were menacing.

As she walked down the slip, her eyes adjusted to the shade. �Leave him be.�

The figure was a young man, no older than twenty cycles. His shirt and breeches were unkempt. His auburn hair was short and unruly.

�You are but a slip of a w***e. I am not afraid of you.�

Anger and fear rippled through Li.

�Do not get involved,� R�n�n pleaded. �He will hurt you.�

�Listen to the old man. I have business with him.�

Li stopped a couple of arm lengths from the young man.

�I don�t see beating someone as conducting business.�

The man sneered at her. �That shows how much you know, you cow.�

�I have more wits about me than you could ever hope for.�

His eyes narrowed. The man waved his index finger petulantly at her. �Be on your way. Before you get hurt.�

�You?� Li laughed. �Hurt me?�

She used the short time to gauge the young man. From what she could see, he had not eaten properly in a couple days. His clothes were loose on his thin body. He was no match compared to her younger brothers. They had taught her how to fight; to defend herself. Her confidence rose seeing the man�s reactions to her taunts.

�What is he to you?� He cocked his head. �One of your clients?�

�No. I just don�t like seeing a ruffian like you attacking someone two or three times his age.�

Li could see the man starting to tense. His hands curled up into fists.

�Once I am done with you, maybe I will get some from you.�

She took a deep breath, preparing. �Just try.�

As he rushed forward, Li analysed his movements. Fluidly she shifted to her left, swinging her left first into his sternum. There was a grunt as his breath was forced out of him. As he doubled over, she brought her right forearm against his neck. The man stumbled about the slip, trying to gasp for air. Li moved behind him, hoping the surprise of the attack would change his mind. He hacked a few times before he started to straighten. Li stood, ready.

�You b***h!�

Li blocked his right arm as he swung around. There was a flash in his eyes before his leg sliced into her leg. She stumbled sideways, a sharp pain running up to her hip. Instinctively she threw out her left arm, stopping another blow.

She shifted her weight, putting her back to the wall. She focused on the man, pushing the pain aside. Li countered another blow before launching her fist. It missed his nose, glancing against his check bone. His head snapped as he stumbled back. A drop of blood formed at the end of his lips.

Fury filled his eyes as he reeled to the other side of the slip. Li took a few breaths She had not expected the man would persist. To her dismay, the man grunted, slipping his hand into a pocket of his breeches. A blade rose into the air.

�Now I�m going to teach you.�

The blade and vehemence in his voice shook Li. As he rushed forward, panic filled her. She shifted to her left, not knowing what to do. She had never fought someone armed. Time seemed to slow as a warm rush filled her. The man�s movements became measured. The hairs on her forearm rose. Power filled her.

Chaos dominated her mind and spirit. She tried to thrust the energy outwards. A faint amber light speckled in the space between them. The man struggled against the light. Each movement seemed to be a strain for him.

The pause allowed Li to take a deep breath; her concentration becoming focused. The amber glitters weaved, forming an intricate web about her attacker. He looked about, confused.

Another breath and determination coalesced the amber sparkles. The young man started to scream in pain as the shell tightened about him. The knife flashed out, slicing ineffectually in the air. His face tightened into a grimace as the pain grew.

Li stepped forward. The amber shell moved with her. Another step pushed the man toward the wall. A couple of more steps slammed him against the wall. He let out a scream of suffering; the knife cluttered to the ground. R�n�n stared in disbelief.

�Please stop,� her attacker croaked.

�Do not trust Cet,� R�n�n whispered.

Part of her wanted to hurt the cowering man. Her hold on the amber envelop tightened. He screamed again. As Cet fell to his knees, head bowed, revulsion filled Li. This is not me. This is wrong.

With a shake of her head, the power was released. Cet collapsed to the cobblestones of the slip. With the tip of her shoe, she kicked the blade away. She rushed to R�n�n�s side, reaching down to him.

�Let me help you out of here.�

As he rose, R�n�n�s rheumy eyes filled with tears. �Are you an angel?�

�No, I am not.� With her help, R�n�n because steady on his feet. Cet hacked as he tried to catch his breath.

�Can you walk?� Li asked, concerned.

�I have no choice.� He cast a quick glance to Cet. �We should leave before he can rise.�

�I agree.� She put her hand under his elbow, starting to guide R�n�n down the slip.

�You will regret this.� The pained growl echoed down the slip. Li looked over her shoulder, seeing Cet glaring at her as he rose on his haunches. She paused.

�Next time, I will not be so charitable.� She saw a hint a fear in his eyes. �And I am well connected in the court. This isn�t over!�

A light pressure from her moved R�n�n forward. The slip opened to the small artisan market. The two hurried past the closed stalls toward Regent Boulevard and the main marketplace.

Most of the stalls were closed. A few late vendors stared curiously as Li kept guiding R�n�n forward. She did not hear any pursuit. Being on Regent will give us visibility in case Cet follows us.

As they approached the covered bridge across the Tywi, an idea came to her. Li guided the old man to the small lane along the riverside. From a pocket she pulled out a handkerchief. She wet it with her tongue before running it over R�n�n�s face.

�Why did you stop to help?�

�Why shouldn�t I?� Li stopped, incredulous.

�I am but a broken man who no one cares about.� Tears welled in his eyes.

Gently Li finished cleaning his face. A bruise was starting to form under his eye.

�That is a silly thought.� She looked over her shoulder. �I think we should go somewhere out of sight for a little while.�

�I will be fine. I can find my way home.� R�n�n puffed his chest in pride.

�And I bet you will find Cet there, waiting. We need a little time. To plan what to do.�

�I�m not worth the effort.�

Li�s eyes narrowed. �I do not think so. Come with me.�

Without a word, Li lead the old man down the laneway. She turned right, heading up a slip to a familiar cobblestoned street and iron-wrought sign of a boar. As they walked into the public house, she was pleased it was not busy. She chose a table in a corner, giving her a clear view of the front door. From behind the bar, Eigyr frowned at R�n�n.

�What you would like?� She asked as he sat down.

�I�m fine.� R�n�n said in a low voice.

�I am paying. A lager? Ale? Bitter? Mead? Wine? Spirits?�

His eyes brighten slightly. �A mead would be nice. Blueberry if they have any.�

�Fine. Stay here. I�ll be back in a moment.�

�Not a word,� Li said as she approached the bar. �I�ll have a bitter and he�ll have a blueberry mead.�

�Rich taste for a vagrant.�

�Eigyr!�

�What are you doing, Li?� The barkeep asked in a low voice. �What are you getting involved in?�

�Leave it. He was in trouble. I helped out.�

�People like that attract trouble. He is not a pup in distress.�

�I know!� Li was sharp. �He is in trouble. But I feel this affects more than him. If I am right, the security of over thirty people may be in danger. Is Simias about?�

�He is in the back. Why?�

Li leaned forward. �If I leave and rub my left cheek, send him to the cathedral. The D�aist church. Tell them to check all their doors. There are some trying to break in.�

�What is going on?�

�I�ll give you details when I can. Just trust me.� Li cocked an eyebrow. �And my drinks?�

Eigyr grumbled as he went to pour the drinks. She noticed the bottle with mead had a thin layer of dust on it. As he poured the mead, the goblet filled with a light amber liquid. The light from the sconces flicked a faint hint of blue in the glass. Before she could get her change purse, Eigyr shook his head.

�On me, since you are doing a good deed.� He handed her the glass and her flagon.

�Thank you.� She smiled as she left the bar. R�n�n�s eye grew wide at the goblet placed before him.

�I have not had this for over a cycle. Before L ...� His voice cracked.

Li put her hand on his as she sat down. �I have heard. I am sorry for your loss.�

�I do not need your pity.�

�And you aren�t getting any. It saddens me to see you in pain. Where is your family? Your friends?�

�I disgust them.�

�What? How can that be?�

�You know naught of me. I deserve the pit I have been placed in.�

�Fegs! That is absolute rubbish. No one deserves hardship.�

A wistful smile came to R�n�n�s face. �You are but young. You have much to see about life. See how actions have reactions. All too often, cycles later. One has to bear the consequences. It is said you reap what you sow.�

Something her mother had told her cycles ago came to her mind. �Yes, you do. But nothing is stopping you from planting something new.�

R�n�n�s eyes grew wide as she smiled at him.

�Vicar Saar told me he believes your god does not abandon you. He speaks to you, always walking beside you. He is speaking to you, if you are willing to listen.�

�My head is filled with noise.� He rubbed his temples.

�I know what you are talking about.� Li leaned forward. �I go to a place near the Cwe ...�

�Cwealmstede?� He pulled back.

�No, no, I don�t mean the actual place. On the main pathway, at the junction is a stone bench. I find it a good place to be alone and think. You are there, by yourself, with the sound of rushing water and mist. It will clear the noises that haunt you.�

�Maybe one day I will check it out.�

As R�n�n took a sip of his mead and smacked his lips, Li tried to decide on how to broach the subject. If she was blunt, he might pull away. Tell her nothing. Yet if she took too long, things would drag. She had to start to organize leaving.

�I suppose you are wondering what was happening in the slip?�

Li was surprised, wondering if R�n�n read her mind. �I have my suspicions.�

�I never said I would do it.� R�n�n said defensively. �He told me to make sure the side door of the cathedral was unlocked. But I didn�t do it. I won�t do it.�

�Did you tell anyone?�

�Why? No one listens to a broken man. They may pity me but they do not take me seriously.�

�I do.�

A lopsided smile came to his face. �But you are an angel.�

�No, I�m not.�

�Yes you are. Why else would you come to my aid? Use your powers to defend me?�

Li rubbed her sore leg. �I am but an ordinary person who can do a little magick.�

�Phah! I saw what you did. That was not a little magick.�

Li took a gulp of her bitter. �If I were an angel, I would not be drinking beer with you.�

�Why not? D�a drank wine with his followers.�

Li sighed. She could not think of anything to say to change his mind. She took a couple more gulps. She knew what she had to do. Word had to be sent to the Vicar so they would be prepared. But what of R�n�n? I can�t send him home. It would not be safe. I don�t believe Cet is working alone.

�You cannot go home tonight.� An idea came to her.

The old man looked at her quizzically. �Then where am I to go?�

�I will take care of that. Finish your drink. I�ll return in a moment.� A plan formulated in her mind as she approached the bar. Eigyr stared at her, waiting.

�Can I have a parchment and quill?�

�Does this look like a library?� The barkeep pulled back as she glared at him. �All right, all right!�

As he rummaged about the bar, Li focused on what she had to do. The only person she could trust in this situation would be A�fe. She would know what to do; how to get action from the court.

Eigyr handed her a piece of torn parchment and a quill with a desiccated feather. The ink bottle he gave her had caked dry ink along its side. She ignored his looks as she wrote a note. She blew on the note, drying the ink. The folded vellum went into her pocket.

�So?�

�I was right. Send Simias as quickly as possible.� She said in a low voice.

�So no dramatics with you leaving, touching your cheek?�

�This is serious,� Li snapped. �Vicar Saar needs to know. Tell Simias to tell the vicar that one of the seven is trying to break into the cathedral. Possibly more. They are threatening parishioners to leave a door unlocked.�

�And that is the message?�

�Yes.�

She started back to the table.

�Li!�

She stopped and looked at Eigyr. �Please do this for me.�

His hand curled up into a fist. �What is going on?�

�Remember Gaible?�

The barkeep�s face grew dark. Li pointed toward the door.

�The vicar is protecting seven like her.�

Eigyr�s face grew pale. He muttered under his breath. �I�ll send Simias immediately.�

As the barkeep disappeared into the back, Li returned to the table. R�n�n had finished his mead. Without sitting down, she finished her flagon.

�We best be off.�

�Where are we going?�

�Where you will be safe.� Li could see he was indecisive. �Please trust me.�

Slowly he rose. Without a word, they left the Boar. She stopped at the corner of Regent to make sure Cet was not in sight. The boulevard was clear. No word was spoken until they crossed the covered bridge spanning the Tywi.

�You are my guardian angel.�

�No,� Li sighed. �Just someone who is here to help you right now.�

�Oh.� R�n�n sounded disappointed. �I was hoping for some guidance.�

Li did not know what to say. She had no idea. There was nothing she could say to convince R�n�n she was not some sort of messenger from his god. But she wanted to help; find something to say that might help him to escape the bondage he felt he was in.

�I�m not wise. As you said, I�m young. Still have much to learn. But you do not deserve the situation you are in.�

�I sinned. Now I paying the penance.�

�You�ve made mistakes. We all have. But you are alive. Breathing. Thinking. There is nothing stopping you from having another chance.�

�For what I�ve done, I must suffer.�

�Bullocks!� Her reaction made R�n�n jump. �You are judging yourself.�

�And what if I am?�

�That is not for you to do. Or anyone else.� Li drew on what Saar told her. �Is not god a god of love? Does not he want the best for you?�

�So it is said.� The words were barely a whisper.

�Believe in that. Use them for strength. There are power in words.�

R�n�n nodded his head. �The Vicar says the same thing.�

�Listen to him.�

R�n�n grew deep in reflection. Li thought it best to leave him be. They walked in silence until the castle complex came into view.

�Why are you bringing me here?�

�I have friends who can protect you for tonight. Hopefully by the morrow, Cet will not bother you any more.�

�Is this a prophecy?�

�No. But all I can do is my best.� An idea came to her. �If you are willing to do your best.�

�What do you mean?�

�You were once a merchant. You can be one again.�

�I�m old and broken ...�

�I know, I know.� Li was impatient. �And I know you are going to say no one is going to give you a chance. No one is going to believe in you if you don�t believe in yourself. You can do it.�

They reached the barbican. Li pulled out her note, handing it to the sentry.

�Please have A�fe summoned and give this to her. This is of upmost importance. She will know what to do.�

�What of him?� The sentry eyed R�n�n.

�The note concerns him. And issues of sanctuary. A�fe will know what to do.� Li turned to the old man.

�She will take care of you. I feel in a day or so, Cet will not cause you any more concern.�

�I do not know.�

Gently she touched his shoulder. �Have faith. Things can get better.�

�From your lips to His ears.�

Li laughed. �One never knows.�

The sentry cleared his throat. Li looked at him.

�A runner from the Reachtas was up here looking for you earlier.�

�What did he want?�

�I have no idea. He was angered you were not about and we did not know when you were to return.�
R�n�n looked at Li. �Why would a representative from the Reachtas wish to see you?�

�My life is becoming complicated. But don�t fret. I would be more worried if it was the King summoning me.� She patted his shoulder before heading down the barbican.

As she hurried through the castle complex, Li wondered why a runner was sent searching for her. What is this new day going to bring? She saw no note on her door. Quickly she opened it. As she stepped in, there was a cracking sound. There was a letter under her foot.

So he left a note. When Li moved her foot, she saw a cracked red wax seal on the letter. It was the fox herald of the House Cadwr. By the fates, what now? She ripped open the letter.

     I would like to have the pleasure of your company for tea around 3 after the zenith, if this fits your plans. There are some things I would like to discuss with you that would be of mutual benefit.     

The letter was signed by Decair, the current head of the House. Li sighed, throwing the letter onto her writing table. What is going on? Why in the fates would one of the minor Houses be interested in speaking to me? And a representative from the Reachtas?

Li lowered herself onto the edge of her bed. The adrenalin that had pumped through her sluiced away. Her leg started to throb. She closed her eyes, trying to fight the fatigue descending on her. I need to sleep. Enough plots for one day. Li collapsed, passing out on her bed.

Author's Note

Being a major revision of the first draft, I am looking for everything - grammar, POV problems, plotting issues. This is new material, that is draft 0. And please note, spelling is Canadian not American so don't point the differences. Hit me with your best shot!

Reviews

[Nick Anthony]

Loekie, I did not get a chance to finish all the way to the end, as I grew tired last night and I am rushing through my lunch right now. But I did want to send you along what I have. More will follow on this chapter tonight.

1...Li walked out of the cathedral in a daze. It was a few blocks before she started to look about her. The sun was low in the sky, casting long shadows on Heilyn.

You are giving the reader a weather report in the very first paragraph of this chapter. Meaning, a list of fact based actions without any emotions. You are trying to show Li was preoccupied...ok. I get that. But was the plaza still full of people hurrying home at this time of day? Perhaps she bumps into someone and does not even offer an apology because she is so preoccupied? You are in her POV and so you can not show everything from the wide lenzed camera, but zoom in and show us Li's emotions, lip biting, hands wringing, mumbling to herself for two blocks.

2...At the corner, she glanced down a slip.

Ok...Slip may be well understood to mean an alley or other such descriptor where you come from, but where I come from, its where we park a boat on the water, or what a woman wears beneath her skirt. (Not to be confused with what a scottsman hides under his.) In the next sentence you use path. Ok...you do not want to use path twice so close together, still, there has to be another description of this path. Narrow lane...alleyway, pathway, etc, etc, etc.

3...She decided to walk to straight ...

Why are you telling me what she decided to do...just show her actions, which are based after all on a decision, so you do not need to tell me then she decided. You're taking shortcuts my friend.

4... Halfway down the boulevard, Li heard a muffled cry of pain. Down a veiled slip, she saw a dark figure hitting someone cowering again the wall. As the figure hit the person again, there was a louder cry.

Passive... Li heard a muffled cry of pain. 1st, Li heard is telling me. 2nd, context...how does she know its a muffled cry of pain? She saw a dark figure....she saw....telling. Ok, so 1 paragraph that is again, a list of actions. How about something like this....

Halfway down the boulevard, a muffled cry stopped Li in her tracks. Peering down the veiled slip, a dark figure was pumbling someone cowering against the wall. Additional wimpers sounded with each blow struck.

You will notice, this is all in Li POV, as it is happening with out me telling the reader this is what she did, saw or noticed. At least as I understand POV and Active Voice.

5..."You are a pathetic excuse of a man," the figure growled.

Unsure you want growled as it might imply a louder voice than he intended if he does not want to arouse anyone passing by, like Li.

6..."I told you it could be not be done." The cowering person moaned. Li recognized R�n�n's voice.

I don't think you need the cowering person tag. Just use Li recognized Ronan's moaning voice.

7...As she walked down the slip

"As she," is unneeded and "AS" is somewhat passive, especially to start off a sentence. Just...Li walked down the slip, her eyes darting... Or something like that.

8..."You are but a slip of a w***e.

Ok Tonto...you are getting carried away with the word "slip." Change this to some other identifiers if you are going to keep using slip to also mean a path or alley, or whatever it is. Actually, I can accept the term here easier than the other way you have been using slip. Just a thought.

9..."You?" Li laughed. "Hurt me?"

Tag in the middle interrupts, in this case how can she finish if she is laughing. Put the tag at the end.

10...She used the short time to gauge the young man. From what she could see, he had not eaten properly in a couple days. His clothes were loose on his thin body. He was no match compared to her younger brothers. They had taught her how to fight; to defend herself. Her confidence rose seeing the man's reactions to her taunts.

1st sentence in this paragraph is passive and is it really needed? The second sentence is more active, though I am not sure how she can judge he has not eaten properly in a couple of day. Going without a meal for a day or two will not make his body thin, no...he would not have had to eaten properly for some time to match the look you are creating. The part about her brothers is good and told actively from her thoughts. Which is why the first sentence is unneeded, we are in her thoughts, her POV.

11... "Once I am done with you, maybe I will get some from you."

A little confusing here. At first I thought you might mean...once I am done with him, but then I thought about what the - get some from you - really means. Still I had to read it several times before I was certain it means just what it says, as said. Still, it just felt confusing. Unsure how to make less confusing. Just a thought.

12...As he rushed forward, Li analysed his movements.

Li analysed his movements...you stop the action to give me a bit of exposition? Continue the action without telling me Li analysed anything. I think her reactions will be more on instinct than analyzing anything anyway.

13...R�n�n because steady on his feet.

Became instead of because....I hate it when our fingers type thier own words from what we are thinking.

14...Concerning the fight...I know Li is a country girl at heart and somewhat more physical than city bred girls, but I think the fight between a man and a woman carries on a bit too long, and Li seems to be too skilled. Hey, my sister grew up with 4 boys and could pretty well hold her own against us in play, but a real fight...? Even blocking blows with forearms can hurt. And while the scum bucket may be thin and malnourished, it does not mean he lacks power or skill. See the point, the first blow by Li ok, but once the guy regroups, have him start landing punches, driving Li back until the power erupts from her. Her fear is what brings out the power in this case. All the annalyzing by Li during this only slows the real time action. IMHO.

15...As he rose, R�n�n's rheumy eyes filled with tears. "Are you an angel?"

The narrator is stepping in here, use Li's POV.... Ronan slowly rose, his rheumy eyes....

16...As they approached the covered bridge across the Tywi....

Again, passive with the sentence starting off with "As they..." I am noticing a pattern in this rough draft my friend on the passive/narrative sections. Our good friend Bill got me to think this through by asking me questions. Passive grammar... As, as if, and then, then, and even the infamous "suddenly and started," are all forms of narrative because your character would not think this was. Using as if in a part of dialogue is ok, because it show the insecurity of the topic, of the character speaking. But in standard action and scene descriptions, its a killer and takes the reader out of the POV's head. Go through and look at how many times you use the word "as". Like with started...he started to speak...no s**t? Well if he did not, then why say it, show him opening his mouth and then closing without saying a word...your readers will see his action and thus...no need in saying he started to speak. As Bill puts it, everything starts somewhere, but show it instead of telling it.

I have to jump off now and will return to finish this excellant chapter with more thoughts on the character of Li and the developing plot. Tonight I hope.

[Nick Anthony]

Picking up from just after the attack...

1...A light pressure from her moved R�n�n forward. The slip opened to the small artisan market. The two hurried past the closed stalls toward Regent Boulevard and the main marketplace.

In this paragraph, I find more detail as Li is leaving than when she entered the slip and I wondered if she was exiting the opposite of how she entered, until you note Regent Boulevard, the same boulevard she was traveling down. You might want to work some of this in her earlier walk, giving the reader a fuller image like I noted in the previous review, items 1 and 4. Then you only need to note most of the artisan stalls closed as she leaves. Just a thought.

2...There are some trying to break in."

There are some What trying to break in? Some does not work...to vague. She already told the barkeep 30 people might be in trouble, why not tell him who the some are if she trust him this much.

3..."Thank you." She smiled as she left the bar.

Ok...another as she... to get rid of "as she," lets try this....

"Thank you." Li said and smiled appreciatively before returning to her table.

Ok...I have mixed gerunds in this example...ly - ed - ing, but I think they work. Leah would know better than I, but I know she would understand what I was trying to do...and that is remain active vs passive. I think.

4... A wistful smile came to R�n�n's face.

Excellant active tag because this is what Li see before Ronan starts speaking. You need more of this and less of "as" used in almost anything. Ok...not going to beat you with "as" anymore, as I think you get the point. Moving on.

5...Something her mother had told her cycles ago came to her mind

"had" is not needed in this sentence, strike it. To her mind, her is not needed, as we are in POV and you want to keep it in POV. So, ... Something her mother told her cycles ago came to mind.

6...As R�n�n took a sip of his mead and smacked his lips, Li tried to decide on how to broach the subject.

"While" R�n�n took a sip of his mead, his lips smacking after each sip, LI thought on how to broach the subject without arousing suspicion.

7...Li was surprised, telling. Show me her surprise...Eyes widen, mouth agape, something.

8..."You cannot go home tonight." An idea came to her.

Motivation and Response... the tag at the end should be at the start of this bit of dialogue so the dialogue is the response to Li's idea.

9...A plan formulated in her mind as she approached the bar.

I don't think you need this tag because you already told us previously she had an idea, so I get the drift that she is planning something to help Ronan

10...As he rummaged about the bar, Li focused on what she had to do. The only person she could trust in this situation would be A�fe.

Two sentences but the first is passive. Perhaps joining the two and getting rid of the dreaded "as." Something like this....

While he rummaged about the bar, Li focused on only person she could trust in this situation, A�fe.

Also less wordy.

11...She saw no note on her door. Quickly she opened it.

A little confusion...no note, quickly she opened it. I figured what "it" was in the next line, the door, but you need to clarify the "it" she opened quickly.

12...Li collapsed, passing out on her bed.

I hope you remember to make her sore in the morning. Remember, she was in a fight, and more than likely will be brusied, so to bed without a warm relaxing bath might make her still in the morning...We wil see.

Ok...ok...ok. As you can see from my two reviews, I feel this chapter is more passive than past chapters and I hit you pretty hard on this. But I also know you can and will change, improve upon this as you edit back into active voice.

Also, Li has gone from meek mouse to a roaring lion in a matter of just a couple of chapters. Hmmm, you know I like Li, but I think you are rushing the roaring lion from her a bit too quickly. Yes, she is putting facts together, but she is still confused and unsure of all of this just two chapters ago. Let her get the s**t kicked out of her in this chapter until her power saves her, power she did not mean to draw on, but it saves her. I like the fact that she goes to Ailfe but I thought they could not be seen together, and would not the sentry report the note from Li to Ailfe if asked. Not sure.

Any way, the chapter and pace are good for the most part and the story is getting more and more complex...I like.