軍神の手紙 (Letters of a War God)

A Haiku this time, about Mars!

Gunshin no Tegami

Kasei ni wa
Yuki ni Shuushoku o
Fuyosuru kana


Letters of a War God

Here on Fiery Mars,
Snow with Autumn's Colour is
Wistfully Endowed!

Author's Note

I challenged a fellow writer on here to try writing a seasonal haiku for Mars, since he had written a series of Senryu on the subject. I decided to take myself up on my own challenge!

Again, I had to take some liberties on the translation. Furthermore, I did not conform to conventional On structure on this, instead the structure is 5/8/6, because I felt otherwise my message would be compromised. The Kiruji (cutting word) I used is Kana, at the end of the whole poem, it adds a wistful emphasis (think, Alas!). The Kijo (Seasonal Word) I used was Shuushoku meaning the Colors of Autumn (with a heaven-bound connotation).

Reviews

[Eric Pudalov]

Oh, holy crap, Nusquam!! I think you've challenged *me* with this one. I don't speak the language fluently by a long shot, but I admire you for taking on the challenge and writing a haiku in Japanese. The English version is beautifully written, I must say!!

I also know that some of the meaning is probably lost in translation, but I imagine that you've done the best you can. And thanks for entering it into the haiku/senryu contest...I must admit that I'm a bit biased by the fact that you took on this challenge. I think you may be in the running for 1st place! ;-)

[Lyn Anderson]

This is very interesting. You are an intriguing person, and a very thoroughly exacting writer. I must ponder more on your thoughts on Mars, having never been, I am unsure how to interpret this piece ...

[Einstein Noodle]

amazing how much one word in Japanese conveys so much .. i appreciate your note on that ... another satisfying bite says i .. images are vivid and the contrast between the first two lines sharpens ... heat of fiery Mars god a little relief please ... snow on me :)
E.

[Blue]

I understand the deviation from the usual structure, Nusquam. It's difficult to translate and still retain its original meaning. Your knowledge on Japanese indeed gives you an enviable advantage. I like this haiku.

[Thaddius]

Great work! It's vivid and quite cinematic. I personally try to stay away from 'telling' words that spell out how to feel, but it's a stylistic thing. 'Wistful' is a beautiful word, and works quite nicely in conjunction with the 'endowed'. Evokes a feeling God with blueprints utterly beyond our gaze.