Chapter Eleven

            The nurse wrote seventy-two pounds on my chart as I turned and clenched the back of my gown to keep it closed. I had seen too many bare butts in this hospital in my six week stay to not know that if you don’t hold it closed, you’re exposed for the rest of the patients to see. I was eating real meals, or trying anyway. The feeding tubes were out, my throat still raw. Ensures at snack, real food at meals. Slowly but surely, I was gaining weight. It was scary.

            Josh came to visit every day that he could, and Jason hadn’t shown up since the day he walked out. Josh told me that I looked more beautiful every time that he came, as I finally started to gain weight. Even though it was amazing to have Josh by my side, I needed closure with Jason. Good, bad, whatever, I needed it. I wasn’t counting on him showing up again, and I wasn’t counting on the closure that I needed. Life sucks like that. I focused on my recovery. I talked in the therapy. I spilled about Annie, and said things I didn’t think were even true until they came out of my mouth.

            “What are you thinking about, Hailey?” Ellie asked as I came back from drifting off.

            “Annie.” I barely heard it come out of my mouth, but she read my lips.

            “What about her?”

            “She wouldn’t want me doing this to myself. I know that. It’s all anyone will say to me. But, in a way, it’s the one thing that keeps me close to her. I have a bracelet of hers. That’s it. But this keeps me close to her. I feel her with me.”

            “The thing is, you don’t want to be with her, not just yet. Don’t you think she would want you to live for both of you, and meet up with her…when it’s your time?”

            Even though it was the most ridiculous thing I’d heard here, it stuck with me for some reason. Living without her was hard, but I would be with her one day. Was my life worth giving up for someone that wants nothing but for me to live it?

            I tried to push it out of my mind as I got off of the too squishy couch and left. Annie followed me through the halls, I felt her there in my room. She was there, cheering me on the whole way. She wanted this for me, so why didn’t I? Why hadn’t I felt her there with me in the months since she died? I slipped her bracelet onto my wrist, running my fingers over the large silver links, the heart charm hanging at the bottom. I can do this, I thought to myself. I said it out loud. I’m fine, I’m fine, I’m fine. That was a lie. I needed to stop lying to myself. I’ll be okay, I’ll be okay, I’ll be okay. I cried for hours on my bed until I finally fell asleep for a few hours before dinner.

            I was running, running, through halls. Empty halls, white walls, carpet itchy under my feet. I was crying. I saw Annie, and I sprinted toward her, I couldn’t get to her, she seemed to just keep getting farther away. She finally stopped and waited for me. “I’m there when you stop, Hailey. Do it for me, do what I couldn’t,” she said. I nodded, crying. I woke up, gasping for air, sheets tangled around my legs, tears running down my face. I’ll do it for Annie.

            I pulled out my journal and flipped to the page of my pro’s and con’s list. I looked at all of the scribbles, the tons of things I wrote as good things about my eating disorder and the lack of reasons to live on the con’s side. I pulled off a pen cap and searched through what I had already written. The pro’s side went on and on, while the con’s side was just various words scribbled out. There was nothing. Numb it said on the pro’s side.

            “Yeah, look where that’s gotten me.” I scribbled out the pro’s one by one, thinking of why they weren’t good anymore. They were good to “Ed” as Ellie would say. They were, in the end, what was killing me.

            Pro’s: Numb, I feel better, Skinny, Control.

            Con’s: I lost everything. Annie. It makes me a liar. I’m hurting everyone around me. I don’t have time for anything else. Health issues. I’ll die.

            I stared at my list for a minute. I bit my lip, tapping my pen, contemplating it…Then, I wrote “There are none,” in the pro’s section.

            The next morning, it was the same routine. Up, gown, bathroom, weight. The nurse that morning wrote down seventy-four pounds on my chart. I had a big breakfast that morning. My leg shook as I ate it, my nerves starting to spiral out of control. Ellie met me in the common room and told me it was time for my appointment.

            “Wait.” I told her, smiling. I walked to my room and pulled the journal out from under a sweatshirt in a drawer. I followed her into her office and sunk into the couch. I tried to make myself comfortable as I flipped through the pages until I reached my list. I handed the notebook to her. “I finally made a little bit of progress with it.”

            I saw as her eyes worked their way over the words, one column then shifting to the right to read the next. A smile slowly made its way across her face. When she finished, she looked up at me, practically grinning.

            “I’m proud of you.” she said. “Really proud. Do you understand the concept of the exercise?”

            “I think so. There are hardly any pro’s, if any…So, the con’s of the disorder outweigh the pro’s. The risks and consequences aren’t worth it.”

            She nodded and smiled. We went on with our session, discussing why I had crossed out each of the things I had once considered a reason to hang on. I left the room an hour later, proud of myself for once. For the first time I could see myself actually recovering. I was nowhere near recovered, or even in recovery, but I could imagine it. Someday.

Reviews

[animamundix3]

kiynteyh: thank you so much for taking the time to read my story; there is more to it that i simply haven't worked on enough to put up here. thank you

[Kiynteyh]

Overall, a great story. There is a lot to be learned from it, and I like that. You say it's based on true events. If you are Hailey in this story, then I thank you for sharing your journey with me and congratulate you on your recovery. I loved it.