The Blonde Girl

A magnificently beautiful story ... Some might say that it was sad to read, and did not have a happy ending ... But I say, this story is perfect in that perfect timing of two people meeting, clueless that they would ever meet, who needed someone special in their lives at that precise moment in time. She gave you something no one else ever could have, and you gave her more than you will ever know, even though you do know ... This story is tender and touching to the very core of any heart that has ever had a first crush or first love, especially someone as special as I see that she was to you ... And you to her ... A wonderful memorial to her memory in keeping her memory alive ... Thank you for sharing ... Very well written ...

Posted 9 Years Ago

Such an emotional piece. My heart cried.
Nice write.

Posted 8 Years Ago

Beautiful memorial story to a little girl, who it sounds like had a very big heart. There are some grammatical things to address, but the story is precious. Good job!

Posted 8 Years Ago

Lee, I critique as I read and before I read any other critiques. I hope that what I have to say will be helpful -- I am offering only suggestions. See if they seem right to you and if they do, use them. If they don't, just ignore them.
1) " I had just moved into a new school and already had a bully picking on me. Being short and well… defenseless, I guess I was an easy target." - instead of "moved into" I'd suggest "started" because you don't actually "move into" a new school; you "move into" a new house. I'd also delete "defenseless" and instead allow the reader to understand that the size differential which they will come to see made the narrator "defenseless" in the face of a large and older brute. I think also it would help if you would give the age of the narrator close to the beginning of the story. That would make a lot of things fall into place.
2) " walking up to me and lifted me by my shirt. Being twelve years old, he was really big." You need to keep the participles consistent, so if you say "walking" it must be "lifting". It also might be more effective to say, "He was a 12-year-old brute."
3) " allowing me to fall onto the floor and hit my bum really hard." I'm not sure that "allowing" is the right word -- the bully really did more than that. "Allowing" is quite a passive word. How about "sending me hard against the floor."
4) "and I was feeling a little left out." The reader can guess this, no need to say it. Readers like to think that authors find them intelligent.
5) " At seven years old," -- If you let the reader know this much earlier, the whole bully scene would become much clearer as would his approach to Sara and his questions about cancer.
6) "As we grew up, Sara had more and more surgeries and she had been noticed that she might not make it through the month" I am hoping that his is not a true story though I fear it might be. However, if it is true, you don't need to stick to the actual facts; you can take poetic license. For the purpose of the story, it might be more effective to shorten the time, say to a school year. When you say "as we grew up" I first began to question how long a time span it was -- did Sara die when the narrator and she were in their late teens -- if so, then as a reader, I felt somewhat left out and that the story was rushed towards the end. If you shorten the timespan,I think that would not be an issue.
I think this is a beautiful story. You write very well and have a lot of talent. I am very impressed by your use of dialog to advance the story and also to create the reader's understanding of the relationship between the two main characters. Good job. Keep writing (and reading).

Posted 8 Years Ago

What can i say , friendship is such a treasure that it's so hard to find and when you find it you must never let go, cuz true friendship is rare only few who are lucky enough to have ,and you surely were one of them, and your Sara eventhough she passed away i'm pretty sure she'll always be next to you like she always has been , like they say (true friends are never apart maybe in distance but not in heart).
anyways, your piece was so sad and so touching that it really made me cry , so well done (y)

Posted 8 Years Ago

I'll second what the others have said, and say that the story is heartbreaking. Especially when we are young, the death of someone close can be devastating and unforgettable. In my first experience with a classmate's death, I didn't especially like them, but the experience was still profoundly upsetting. Now, do we endeavor to provide real constructive criticism here in this group? If so, I must tell you that there are quite a few technical issues with your writing that need some attention. If you'd like, I can address some of them by private message.

Posted 8 Years Ago

Wow, I absolutely loved it, I think its amazing how friendships start with a simple "hello" and they turn into something amazing. Great Writing!

Posted 8 Years Ago

I really liked it! Read through the reviews, Sorry for you loss!
All the best and keep writing. It was amazing.

Posted 8 Years Ago

I see Marv has already reviewed this story and his words are so true, but I wish to echo them because I was also touched. As I see it, this has so much to say, not only about losing a friend, but also about being "different" and being bullied because of it. It should be encouraging to anyone in such a situation.

Posted 8 Years Ago

This is a very tender and touching story. For children to love each other and part this way is very sad, but the grief seems to have given you an extra gift.

Here is my only suggestion:

As we grew up, Sara had more and more surgeries and she had been noticed that she might not make it through the month. (I think the word should be "notified.")

Posted 8 Years Ago

Sort of broke my heart a little. This is obviously a deeply heart-felt piece and very moving.
If this is a true story, I have to offer my deepest sympathies for your loss.
If it's a story is created from your imagination, it's quite believable.

Well done.

Posted 8 Years Ago