The Day Before Christian's Birthday

Its telling us about how Christian fells nervous about not really talking to Juliet and her feelings about her mother.

The day before Christian's birthday it was a windy day and Christian was getting ready for school.Christian never talked in school.She'd always chew her hair when she gets nervous about teachers calling on students to answers questions for class work.

Christian was just done brushing her long black hair.She ran downstairs in the kitchen only to see her father talking to Miss.Smith are next-door neighbor.He's always flirting with her ever since Christian was 6.He always used to acted like he was really nervous,actually that's where Christian got her nervousness from.

'Christian you remember Miss.Smith? '

Christian stands there.

'Christian its me Juliet Smith?'

Juliet Smith was their next door neighbor.She'd alway come over to see if everything was okay,so basically acts like the mother of the family.
Juliet has blond hair with brown strips too.She was a very thin lady and it almost looks like she never ate.

'Oh yeah I remember you.'

'So Christian are you excited about your birthday?You know its tomorrow?'Juliet asked.

'Sure I am.'

'Christian you better hurry up the bus is almost here.'Her father said.

Christian ate her cereal really quick and left.

Christian's friend Saige runs up behind her.

'Christian wait up!'

Christian stopped and waited for Saige.

'Hey Christian aren't you excited for tomorrow?'Saige asked.

'I guess.'

'Why so down?'

'Well its because its my 10th birthday and I really want my mom to be there.'

'Christian you know your mothers dead?'

'Yeah but something tells me she's still alive.'

'Okay Christian.'

Saige and Christian hopped on the school bus & the bus drives them to school.

Reviews

[SpeedyHobbit Armstrong]

The good:
1. I love how you are describing nervous habits and random things she does in the first paragraph. I also like how you are showing what she is most scared of when it comes to school.
2. The conversation between Christian and Saige sounds very genuine and like one two kids might actually have.
3. The flirting you show between her dad and neighbor is fun.

The improvements:
1. Type out the word and. Using "&" is cool if Christian is texting or writing and she writes that way, but when you are narrating words should be written out.
3. The paragraphing. You did well with having a new paragraph each time a new person talked. However, there were times where a new paragraph was started that didn't need to be, and times where you should have done a new one but didn't. New idea, new paragraph. same idea, same paragraph.
4. A little more detail and description would be good. For example, what does Ms. Smith look like? What does her father do when flirting?


So basically, the main flaw here is the mechanics. The grammar and spelling. That's easier to fix than a lot of other flaws writers have (such as my tendency to go off on tangents instead of getting to the point in my writing if I'm not careful)