The Seventh Note

The Seventh Note

A Poem by GunMetal
"

Just a story.

"
She can hear the dischord in the rainfall,
I can see it on her skin,
as she sings to the ever changing time signature of the storm.

She rests on the seventh note
breathes the lightning in the air
and smiles like an electric legato
before continuing the song.

Somewhere, in the back of her mind
her muse is playing the piano.

She stops and looks at me.
She asks, “Why the sad face?”
I smile at this:
The look of love must look sad on me.

The thought passes but I keep smiling,
mezzo-piano,
for her sake
so that she’ll keep singing.
I cherish these serene moments.
How rare they are.

But when her father comes home
the cadence breaks and she stops.
He’s the kind of person whose whole body seems to scowl.
My fingers trill clumsily.
The dead notes under my breath…
The look of hate must look like embarrassment on me.

She smiles again.
I don’t want to leave her alone
but I know it’s best if I do.
For my sake.

I’d rather not go home yet
so I just walk.
Anywhere.
Following the telephone wires
like staff lines,
I let the rain drop rhythm on my shoulders,
but I’m not trying to keep time.
I’m not trying to do anything.
I just walk.

I make it to the lake
and decide that it’s a good place to rest a while.
I can’t help but think,
I must look sad out here,
and smile at this.
Somewhere in the back of my head
all that my muse wants to do
is talk about her.

I sat there
on the edge of the lake
for hours
and tried to hear the dischord in the rainfall,

but it just sounded like rainfall to me.

© 2012 GunMetal


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Overall I liked this poem. There are a good number of images that bring the right amount of attention to what you've written. I like how you tried to incorporate musical aspects into the poem. Those images are really concentrated to the beginning and end of the poem. We lose them in the middle section where the father comes home. Although I do see the intention of leaving them out, it's quite an abrupt shift because the images are so numerous in the sections before and after. It almost feels like the middle section doesn't even belong with this poem. This leads me to a very general suggestion that you might like to consider. There is a lot of cutting that could be done to this poem. To help your stronger images pop more and not get lost in a bunch of other ones. You have some dead lines that don't really do much, that stop the flow. They could be combined with following lines and it would be a smoother transition. With pruning some of the images, the shift when the father enters won't be such a shift. It will feel more natural and you will still have the parallel with the singing stopping/musical aspects stopping. I think that if you went back through this poem and did some serious editing, line by line, word by word in some cases, your strongest and most engaging images would stand out more and you'd have a more powerful poem. I think you have a good start here and with some work, it could really be a good poem.

Posted 11 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.




Reviews

i love the musical imagery you use and the themes present. the repetition gives your poem form and pace and i found it very easy to read and could easily imagine it being performed on stage.

a few notes (oh i crack me up!)....

a few lines ran a teensy bit long.... you may consider some additional line breaking.

one spot i thought you could tighten up was,

"He's the kind of person whose whole body
Always seems to look like it's scowling"

maybe try shortening it to,

"His whole body, scowling..."

overall i found this nicely melancholic and reflective without coming off as too pretentious. :)

looking forward to reading more of your work.



Posted 11 Years Ago


Very good. I like the narrative.

Posted 11 Years Ago


Again. The look of love must look sad on me. :) and The dead notes under my breath... - it's like you're describing it as the air of death filling your nostrils. Then, All my muse wants to do is talk about her. - this one is simply magical. I can follow every line of your story, as if following your steps to know where you're going, and what was happening.

And the last line already told me that this girl you met is the magic to your soul. Well, at least from what I call tell through this poem.

Just beautiful.


Posted 11 Years Ago


Great write, the description was awesome! Keep it up! :) 100/100

Posted 11 Years Ago


Indeed, excellent with the descriptions in this one! Felt totally real, and it gripped you to the core. This was a really great piece!

M.

Posted 11 Years Ago


The descriptions in this poem are great. However I do believe you can still summarize the story in fewer lines, still retaining its original thought. Over all, a good poem. Thank you for sharing!

Alex

Posted 11 Years Ago


Wow, this was just, wow.

"I sat there
On the edge of the lake
For hours
And tried to hear the dischord in the rainfall

But it just sounded like rainfall to me"

Fantastic job, this was my favorite. Wow.

Posted 11 Years Ago


The description is great, the flow is amazing, your use of words were really well chosen and the story in the poem is really nice, Really great piece, I love it. Keep it Up :)

Posted 11 Years Ago


Man! This poem is Epic! This was all an eye candy buffet. There are too many great images to focus on any one. The thoughts and emotions were superb. Great job!

Posted 11 Years Ago


Nice narration…
Seems that…you are really in love…
With her..
Please read my poem.....Gunmetal

Posted 11 Years Ago



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Added on April 2, 2010
Last Updated on August 27, 2012

Author

GunMetal
GunMetal

Wish You Were Here, Alta Loma, CA



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