The Seventh Note

The Seventh Note

A Poem by GunMetal
"

Just a story.

"
She can hear the dischord in the rainfall,
I can see it on her skin,
as she sings to the ever changing time signature of the storm.

She rests on the seventh note
breathes the lightning in the air
and smiles like an electric legato
before continuing the song.

Somewhere, in the back of her mind
her muse is playing the piano.

She stops and looks at me.
She asks, “Why the sad face?”
I smile at this:
The look of love must look sad on me.

The thought passes but I keep smiling,
mezzo-piano,
for her sake
so that she’ll keep singing.
I cherish these serene moments.
How rare they are.

But when her father comes home
the cadence breaks and she stops.
He’s the kind of person whose whole body seems to scowl.
My fingers trill clumsily.
The dead notes under my breath…
The look of hate must look like embarrassment on me.

She smiles again.
I don’t want to leave her alone
but I know it’s best if I do.
For my sake.

I’d rather not go home yet
so I just walk.
Anywhere.
Following the telephone wires
like staff lines,
I let the rain drop rhythm on my shoulders,
but I’m not trying to keep time.
I’m not trying to do anything.
I just walk.

I make it to the lake
and decide that it’s a good place to rest a while.
I can’t help but think,
I must look sad out here,
and smile at this.
Somewhere in the back of my head
all that my muse wants to do
is talk about her.

I sat there
on the edge of the lake
for hours
and tried to hear the dischord in the rainfall,

but it just sounded like rainfall to me.

© 2012 GunMetal


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Overall I liked this poem. There are a good number of images that bring the right amount of attention to what you've written. I like how you tried to incorporate musical aspects into the poem. Those images are really concentrated to the beginning and end of the poem. We lose them in the middle section where the father comes home. Although I do see the intention of leaving them out, it's quite an abrupt shift because the images are so numerous in the sections before and after. It almost feels like the middle section doesn't even belong with this poem. This leads me to a very general suggestion that you might like to consider. There is a lot of cutting that could be done to this poem. To help your stronger images pop more and not get lost in a bunch of other ones. You have some dead lines that don't really do much, that stop the flow. They could be combined with following lines and it would be a smoother transition. With pruning some of the images, the shift when the father enters won't be such a shift. It will feel more natural and you will still have the parallel with the singing stopping/musical aspects stopping. I think that if you went back through this poem and did some serious editing, line by line, word by word in some cases, your strongest and most engaging images would stand out more and you'd have a more powerful poem. I think you have a good start here and with some work, it could really be a good poem.

Posted 11 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.




Reviews

[send message][befriend] Subscribe
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Overall I liked this poem. There are a good number of images that bring the right amount of attention to what you've written. I like how you tried to incorporate musical aspects into the poem. Those images are really concentrated to the beginning and end of the poem. We lose them in the middle section where the father comes home. Although I do see the intention of leaving them out, it's quite an abrupt shift because the images are so numerous in the sections before and after. It almost feels like the middle section doesn't even belong with this poem. This leads me to a very general suggestion that you might like to consider. There is a lot of cutting that could be done to this poem. To help your stronger images pop more and not get lost in a bunch of other ones. You have some dead lines that don't really do much, that stop the flow. They could be combined with following lines and it would be a smoother transition. With pruning some of the images, the shift when the father enters won't be such a shift. It will feel more natural and you will still have the parallel with the singing stopping/musical aspects stopping. I think that if you went back through this poem and did some serious editing, line by line, word by word in some cases, your strongest and most engaging images would stand out more and you'd have a more powerful poem. I think you have a good start here and with some work, it could really be a good poem.

Posted 11 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

this is a beautiful poem, very well written, and the descriptions are great. awesome write.!!

Posted 11 Years Ago


wow i love this this is amazing.

Posted 11 Years Ago


this is an extremely well written poem. like most of your other work, it's an amazingly mature piece. it's refreshing to read something like this. awesome work.

Posted 11 Years Ago


I'm not a big fan of poetry in general and it's not often I come across a poem I read through... but I did read this one through. Very nice. I agree with another reviewers edits...., but as I said, I'm a novelist and not qualified to critique poetry. Good luck and keep writing.... very well done.

KR

Posted 11 Years Ago


I absolutely love this poem...i usually like it when one blends a story with a poem...and this is just very exquisite...very beautiful indeed...

Posted 11 Years Ago


beautiful. unfortunately, my tear ducts apparently dried up or were severed from my emotions, but if they weren't, id be in tears.

this is just so wonderful my friend.

Posted 11 Years Ago


oh very nice! well done!

Posted 11 Years Ago


There is a sadness lingering here in this story but there is something about it that tugs at my heartstrings. I'm not sure what it is but I know I will like this one, it goes kinda deep. That's the best I can explain it. Impressive.

Posted 11 Years Ago


She can hear the dischord in the rainfall
I can see it on her skin
She sings to the ever-changing time signature of the storm

She rests on the seventh note
Breathes the lightning air
And flashes an electric smile
Before continuing the song

Somewhere in the back of the mind
Her muse is playing the piano

She stops then looks at me
She asks, "Why the sad face?"
I smile at this
The look of love must look sad on me

The thought passes but I keep smiling
For her sake
And she keeps singing

I cherish these serene moments



I edited the top... i'd trash the bottom. or rewrite it into another poem.
with the edit, it is in my opinion brilliant. touching and artistic. 100
......................................


Posted 11 Years Ago


0 of 1 people found this review constructive.


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Added on April 2, 2010
Last Updated on August 27, 2012

Author

GunMetal
GunMetal

Wish You Were Here, Alta Loma, CA



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