A Battle for Love

A Battle for Love

A Chapter by Rose
"

Love is it a fight worth fighting for?

"

Soldiers armed

With weapons

The bullets are loaded

They march

An army of them

Anything in thier way

Won't see another day

I ran with my shaking legs

I stumble and fall

I then began to crawl

Through long thin grass

I try to hide myself

Their footsteps heavy

They shake the earth

Thier faces full of terror

Unpredictable in thier eyes

Thier helmits rock hard

They don't look heavy

But I bet they are

 

One man spots me

The leader high up on a horse

I hear bangs of bullets

They fly past me but miss me

My ears couldn't take the bangs

The leader screams

He instructs his men to surround me

 

The battle for your love

Oh why has recieving your love,

Turned into a heart pain?

I bet all this battling

Makes your love worthless, empty and weak

When will I earn it

When will you realise this is no game

Of losing and not recieving anything back

I promise I will love you too

 

 



© 2012 Rose


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The writing is strong throughout, but I felt that it didn't all come together for me. The jump from the war story into the love battle throws me a little. I think that there are two good poems here and if separated, would make for some good reading. The quality is there, no doubt, minus the few typos. Overall, well done.

Posted 9 Years Ago


This is beauitful poem how you see love how people will go to war with eachother but then fine love again love it good job

Posted 9 Years Ago


Great way to describe love as a battle on a battlefield. The descriptions are fantastic and so is the poem as a whole.

Posted 9 Years Ago


The poem as a metaphor - love as a battlefield - good one! Nice tight theme, evolving as the poem progresses. I'm bothered by the change in the tense of verbs early on. The poem is clearly written n the present tense (the shift to the future late is OK), but there are lapses into the past tense: line 8 (ran), line 14 (began), line 24 (couldn't take). In line 26, 'unpredictable' is treated as an adjective, but it is unclear what noun it is modifying. In the last stanza, I'd eliminate 'I bet' since the poet seems to be internalizing the message, but the phrase leads one to believe the bet is being placed with someone else - more effective to just say 'all this battling.' In fact, in the last stanza, the reference to 'you' becomes a bit obscure. I think the poet is talking to herself (the you/your could also be the loved one), but the last line raises doubt... I will love you too (if the earlier you/your is the poet, the last you might indicate the poet will love herself). Of course, there is the 'thier' as someone else has mentioned. Good, sounf poem otherwise. :-)

Posted 9 Years Ago


David Moore pretty much says what I have to say.
But I'll add the fact that you're a great poet. Brilliant imagery.

Posted 9 Years Ago


Loved the metaphor. It's been done before, but you really brought it to life. The harried feeling of dodging loves bullets was painted fantastically. Small edits - their not thier. And they fly past me but miss me might sound better as they fly past but miss me. Tiny things. Well done.

Posted 9 Years Ago


I like the way you describe love, like it's an actual battle field, it brings your words to life, and you use such amazing imagery, I saw a war going on in a heart through out this entire piece. Your metaphors are beautiful and thei piece flows perfectly. Astounding piece. Thank you so much for sharing, reading this was an adventure.

Posted 9 Years Ago


I didn't see any grammar problems, but I could be wrong. For right now, grammatically speaking, it's perfect.
I like this one. It's deep and thoughtful and is like one long metaphor about love. Actually, I think it IS one long metaphor about love. It's really great. Good job. It's so going in my library.
Because I live in the US, I'm assuming that "realise" is correct in the UK. This is why I did not tell you that was wrong. Ah, I so wanna go to the UK. But that's not the point.
The point is that it's really good and it reminded me of "Heartbreak Warfare" by John Mayer only more deep. Good job.
PBP

Posted 9 Years Ago


0 of 1 people found this review constructive.

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Tim
Very good! 100/100 two paws up!

Posted 9 Years Ago


hmm quite a different poem, i think i could keep you a nickname as "LOVE POET" all your love poems are good :) keep writing...

Posted 9 Years Ago



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Added on June 13, 2010
Last Updated on June 28, 2012
Tags: army, love, battle, sweet, fight


Author

Rose
Rose

United Kingdom



About
If your love is dead Then you really wouldn't care My laughter will carry on Through out the night I think and I know I plan before I hurt I think of what I do You can fight back And I'll find.. more..

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