Chapter 6: Breaking

 December 24^th:

“Happy birthday Ethan” I shushed my sister and gave a quiet reply.

“Thanks Caden but why must you wake me so early?” I rolled over.

“Because its noon and Gin’s mom wanted you for lunch.”

“Do they know its my birthday?”

“No and I thought you would of told them.” I rolled back over and she looked just like mom when she was angry at me. I just covered my face with my pillow.

“No I don’t want another birthday.”

“You will regret it come tomorrow.”

“Oh well I'm having my party for me now.”

“Oh and if you don’t come down soon Ginny’s coming to get you.”

“I'm up.” With that I got out of bed pulled on my sweatshirt and jeans and walked down the stairs.

“Finally you get up.” She seemed a bit cross.

“Sorry Gin.” I went to kiss her but she pulled away.

“I had made you breakfast but you never got up.” I sat at the table.

“Not used to waking up on my birthday. My mom usually let me sleep till when ever.”

“You didn’t tell me it was your birthday.”

“Yah because if I did you’d throw me a party and I don’t want one.” I tried to control my emotions but everything was coming back, even how I fell asleep last night, which was wishing she was here.

“But your 16.”

“Your point is?”

“Its supposed to be your best party.”

“Yah well I don’t want one.”

“Why not.” I stood facing her, letting my anger show.

“Because me and my mom had it all planed for my friends to come over to my house and a party but since I have no friends out here or my mom I didn’t want one damn it.” I turned and knocked the vase off the table.

“Every fricken thing I do is so damn hard without her. I just wanted to get through this day with out remembering her. I want her gone from my memory so it doesn’t hurt every damn day I wake up that she’s gone and I'm alone. No one to look out for me only someone who I wish was dead and never in my life. He killed my mother the one who kept me safe all those months the only one that cared for me all those days. Now she’s gone and I have a hole in my heart where she used to be and no one will ever replace her. she never got to see her grand kid she never got to see her kids got married she was cheated life and all I want to do is have her here by my side. I'm tired of carrying on without her. I'm tired of just living day by day for nothing to live for I have nothing left.” My face just crumpled trying to not cry in front of her, I was stronger than that.

“You have me you damned fool. But you wont let me close. You push me away after all I do for you.”

“I never asked for your f*****g help. I never asked for this. I never asked to be saved. When my mom died most of me went with her. I was so much like her I cant look at my self with out seeing her and the constant reminder that she’s gone”

“Wasn’t it you that said you were going to celebrate her not mourn her? or what happened to the fire that’s in you? What got into you?”

“I was beat for months by my own father. He killed my mother and I couldn’t just celebrate her when everything is a damn reminder of her. She'll never wake me up in the mornings any more comfort me in a nightmare or cheer me on in a baseball game. How would you feel if you mom died at the hands of your dad. You have no idea what I'm going through so don’t be there for me like you know because you f*****g don’t.”

“I've tried to be there for you because I love you. I thought you loved me to what happened?” She looked ready to cry.

“I never loved you. I'm stuck living with you with out her and all I do is want her here. I want my life back before the final beating. I wanted to keep you safe but I failed to keep my own family safe. I was trying to protect another and he killed my mother.” I screamed at her while the tears poured freely down my face. I grabbed my coat and walked out to my car. I started the engine and drove off on random roads till I came to a river. I stared out at the water for hours.

“Ethan this is the first real talent I see in you. You don’t know how proud I am to be your dad.”

“Thanks dad it means a lot.”

“You ride the waves with such grace your mom should be proud when she finds out. I see big things for you in the future.” The two walked off….

“You didn’t work hard enough. What did I tell you kid I told you if you wanted to be big you got to work hard.”

“Dad I've been at it for hours I'm dehydrated and tired.” Then the belt came across my back. The pain was blinding but it kept coming. He left me there till I got up got in the car scared.

“You will tell your mother none of this.” They drove in silence home. I changed when mom saw the welts on my back.

“Ethan James what happened?”

“Nothing mom.”

“Who hit you?”

“I cant tell you he'd kill you.”

“Ethan stop this nonsense and tell me.”

“I cant.”

Figure I'd find you here.

“Caden? what are you doing here you should hate me after what I said to her.”

“Her parents are in a right enough state over that. Why did you do it?”

“I miss her everywhere I look I think I see her I look at my self in the mirror and I see her. I just couldn’t take it any more.”

“So what were you day dreaming about.” Far from sweet dreams they were.

“The day all this s**t started.”

“When you came home with the welts on your back?”

“Yeah then I lied to mom and she was mad at me for days till she found out.”

“Then she was just plain scared.”

“I failed to keep her safe, I went after Ginny and almost get her killed and mom is dead.”

“You couldn’t of kept everyone safe you really think you could of stopped dad? He would of killed you if you got in the way.”

“The thing is through he didn’t kill me. He left me out to die at the hands of Amos. He was the one who plunged the knife into me all because I loved her.”

“So now what that reality hit you don’t love her?”

“No I do but I fucked up her parents aren’t going to want to see me there going to want me gone and I'll be on my own again. I should of just let him kill me.”

“Why so you lose the chance completely to get the woman you love? She’s been there for you trying to understand she’s been calming your nightmares every damned night that’s why she woke up next to you on the couch that morning you pulled her to you. She’s has tried she thought you were getting better then you pulled your self into your shell like you do now you are alone is that how you wanted it? Because I'm sure if you go back to our house he will be there to kill you. Damn it you have people who love you. I told you to talk to some one I know what your going through why didn’t you come to me?”

“Because you were finally getting better I didn’t want to see you like I am now.” I was supposed to be the one who was able to hold together, I always had been. I learned not to cry to not feel pain, but in that time I never protected my heart and in a day it was shattered.

“But were family and we got to stick together. Talk to me bro I can handle it I told you to remember your 16 not 25. Its ok to cry I admit the first time after I looked at you, you are a spitting image of mom. I thought maybe it was a dream but it isn’t she’s gone and she isn’t coming back so you got to adapt to live you cant die other wise your no better than him and I'm all alone if not for you then for me go back and get your girl because I know you love her deep down you mean none of what you said earlier. You wanted to marry her.”

“She isn’t going to talk to me her parents wont let her near me.”

“So one day she’s going to run into you.”

“Alright do you need a ride back?”

“Yeah lets go make this right.” They got into the car and drove again. They arrived at the house. She came out the door at me and hit me in the jaw. I just spit out the blood.

“You’re a f*****g jerk get your s**t out of this house and leave I never want to see you again.”

“ok.” I walked to my room and gathered my clothes and placed them in the duffel and moved all my stuff into my room I locked the doors so no one could get in; I wrote her a note.

Ginny,

You have a right to hate me right now I hate my self. I tried to keep you safe and it got her killed. I thought I could push everyone away so I could to leave this earth to join her. she was my rock and I wasn’t sturdy enough to stand on my own. You probably don’t love me right now and I understand I wouldn’t love an a*s like me. I didn’t mean what I said about not loving you. I didn’t realize it was you comforting me in my dreams I thought she was there and then I woke up on my birthday and she wasn’t there with pancakes to wish me a happy sweet 16. that’s when it hit me that’s she’s gone it wasn’t a nightmare I was never going to wake up from. She died in her own bed. I couldn’t keep her safe I guess I was mad at my self for letting it happen I've been taking beatings for months in order to keep her safe. In the end it was for nothing. Now I pushed you away the one I loved and I'm here yet again alone. So I guess this is good bye I'm going to go after him and kill him to get what’s right. Then I don’t know ill fall off the map. I had plans for us one day but they will never happen your parents probably hate me for breaking their daughters heart. But remember this I stopped him and got cut by him because I loved you and you shouldn’t take a beating. He was the one who plunged the knife into me. This is goodbye

Love an a*s like me, Ethan

I unlocked my door and taped the note to hers. I went and said bye to Caden before I grabbed all my stuff and threw it in the car. I went and grabbed some snacks and was about to leave when she comes rushing out of the house.

“Don’t go.” She had been crying that was obvious.

“I have to there’s nothing left for me here.”

“What about your sister?”

“I left the money I own for her.”

“So now your going to become a murder?” She yelled to me as the wind around us began to pick up, the night sky was littered with clouds and the chill was getting to me.

“I'm only getting rid of scum.”

“Do you even know where he is?”

“Yes and I plan on making it there by morning. He'll be dead by Christmas afternoon.”

“What about Christmas with my family.”

“Your parents hate me so don’t you, sorry but I'd rather be alone than with people who hate me.”

“Damn it you fool I love you. I had no idea that’s why I got so heartbroken I didn’t know her when she was younger. I didn’t know how she died or what you thought about your nightmares but I will always be there for you.” The tears were streaming down my face.

“So what I let her death go in vein? Have you become known? Go back to my old life, if they get him because I wont go back. I wont ever be the same I was before this you wouldn’t love a broken nothing like me.”

“So what do you love me or not? Last chance” If I were to leave then I can say I at least said it.

“I do. I do love you... but I cant you deserve much more.”

“Well I don’t want more I want you.” She came up to me a few short strides and was so close I could feel her breath on my neck.

“What am I supposed to do we will have this threat over our heads for a year or two still he probably isn’t in the same place.”

“So we will let the police deal but you deserve better. You’ve been treated like s**t and now you’d rather take that then come inside?”

“Am I going to get punched again because I like to fall asleep the normal way.” She gave a halfhearted laugh.

“I wont punch you if you don’t push me away.”

“Deal.” I held out my hand but she ran into my arms instead and grabbed me and held me tight. I grabbed my bag and walked into the house to her very angry looking father at the table. I stood my ground and stood tall. He came over to me and hugged me.

“Don’t ever do that again. We might not know what your going through but we are now family and tell us things. I'm sure you had a better party than this day in mind.”

“Sir to tell you the truth the reason I didn’t tell you was I didn’t want a party I wanted to forget my mother I see her so much in me everyday I wanted it to be gone so I pushed her away. I'm sorry I didn’t mean to.”

“We forgive you just don’t break her heart.”

“I wont.” With that he let me go and Ginny’s mom came up to me a hugged me.

“I may not be your mother but I'll try to have the same routine she does. I'll try to keep your life like it was.”

“Thanks but no thanks I think it will get better. Just this wound will take time to heal.” I looked at all of them and then at Ginny and knew slowly the wounds would heal as long as I had this beauty by my side.