Hazard to Myself

I am my own worst enemy... quite literally.

"I'm a hazard to myself
Don't let me get me
I'm my own worst enemy
It's bad when you annoy yourself
So irritating
Don't want to be my friend no more
I want to be somebody else
I want to be somebody else..."

~Pink - Hazard to Myself

 

     I found that song when I was about nine or ten, and no matter what I say, no matter what new song comes out, that is the song I can most agree with. I have always proved to be my only true downfall. The following will seem incredibly self-centered, but take it as a confidence booster to a writer who sees her faults... a little too clearly.

             The most prevalent area that this theory shows through is in my academic world. In academics, I am almost perfect; that is, I can kick almost anybody's a*s that I do so feel. I have the brains, I have the wit, I have the never-ending attention span, and I have the attention to detail, when I want to. Key word, want. This is where my downfall occurs - if I don't want, I won't. If I feel it is below me, I won't. If it is too easy, I won't. Most of all, if it bores me, there is no way in hell I am going to do it. Take my most recent "failure"; it was a research paper for my English IV Honors class. This paper was to be three to five pages long, double-spaced, Times New Roman, twelve point font, and in MLA format. Along with this paper, we were to include: a minimum of twenty flash cards with information from our sources, an outline, a works cited page, and our first draft. Oh, and did I mention that we had four weeks to do this assignment? Yeah... to make a long story short, I missed every checkpoint (meetings with teacher to review progress and ways to improve the project), and waited until two days before it was due. I flunked, right? Wrong. Actually, I got a B (86/100). Her comment when I got up there - "Could've been a 96." I had failed to make the required twenty flash cards, which were worth the additional ten points. I repeat, I am a hazard to myself.

             The worst part about all of this is that I have grown used to it. Here comes another reason I am my own worst enemy; I am incredibly lazy, and do I mean lazy. This kind of ties in with the If I Don't Want To Theorem (from now on, it will be referred to as the IIDoWTT). The IIDoWTT also ties in with the IHI-YP Theory, otherwise known as the I Have Individuals – Yes Plural. This theory states that I am possibly insane since I occasionally feel I am watching my life as if it were a movie, and with no control over the ending. The idea I have no control over the ending is counter-acted by the deeply engraved moral “The choices you make dictate the life that you lead; 'To thine ownself be true.'” Confused yet? Okay... basically, I have a tendency to lie helplessly watching my own misery unfold, and then try to push my sorry a*s up by fighting with myself. I am a hazard to myself.

             The consequences of the IIDoWTT and the IHI-YP, combined with my lifetime subscription to Procrastinator's Monthly, are devastating. It should not take a genius to figure out just how much s**t I am in. So “doctor, doctor won't you please prescribe me something” because I can't stand myself.

Author's Note

Oh boy... what shall I do.