Fitting In

I went back vowing to never come back to my home again. It wasn’t mine, not really. Just something I borrowed. I didn’t have a home anymore. After all a home is made of love not bricks and emotion was foreign to me now. The ride back was painful, excruciating but it was all that because of me. Why was I doing this to myself? Because I wanted to live. Live a pain free life. I had to be strong. I was fun to be around but something changed. I cant put my finger on it but it’s like I’m surrounded by darkness these days. But I really can’t help it anymore. The sea of pain had drowned me and I saw no solution but to numb myself from every feeling either good or bad. Somewhere I’m losing myself in this but I don’t know how to rouse again. I’m dead inside. I have to be. But it still sort of hurt to see the hurt in Sam’s eyes. It made want to forget everything and apologize. It seemed stupid and pathetic to act this way. So I went back. I closed my eyes and thought of all the reasons I was bent on being a human robot.

A) Because of Her, because of the hope that I had that she’d ever warm up to me. I really didn’t need that kind of heartbreak again and again in my life.

B) Because of Them, the awful ghosts that made me see so much that if I cared I would die just lost in the excruciating pain and agony of it all.

C) I had to find out who or what I was and ‘feeling’ wouldn’t really help me digest the ugly truth.

D) I had tried. I’d tried and tried but getting attached only led to heartbreak and trouble. It just wasn’t worth it.

E) I wanted to live my life. Well as normally as you could live it when you saw ghosts, were mildly aggressive, had a grudge against all humans, including yourself, wanted nothing but to kill everyone on the planet and were a walking maniac. Which wasn’t possible if I broke down at every bunny I saw.

F) Maybe I wasn’t human, was something else and it would be easier for me that way.

G) I wanted to be tough ‘cause the life I saw in front of me, I guess I needed to be.

So that pretty much summed it up. I was a damaged wreck and didn’t want to get damaged anymore. Did that even make any sense? But I still thought of the reasons I shouldn’t do it. Shouldn’t lock myself up. I just found one. Sam. I sighed. He could live without me. I expected him to maybe suck it up for a while. But he would get on. He had like the whole school under him, though he didn’t realize it. He would find a new best friend and forget me. But you know what the thought didn’t make me sad because I knew how much better it was that way. Way to go D, already living up to your emotionless quota. With a soft smile I walked away after all it was a school day today. Time to start it from scratch. I wasn’t the cool girl anymore, I had to be the shadow.

I went to school, hood up eyes down, avoiding every gaze. I wanted to be in solitude, away from everyone. But of course there were people in here who won’t allow it. Oops not people ghosts. Here comes the first dose of the day. I sighed as I put on my shades, living as a prostitute came hard as I was just beginning to find out. Couldn’t these guys give me a break. I guess not. Sigh.

I went through the motions, made my way fitting in right again. I remembered years back when I had just turned seven, my mom and me moving in here. I don’t know why we did or what was my life like before but I was the strange girl. The girl who got scared of vacant rooms, of stairwells, of just about everything ‘cause she never saw what others did. She lived somewhere else. It all changed after Sam, but I refused to live in his shadow. I made myself an identity, refused to acknowledge the ghosts’ presence and began to live. Who knew that plan had a glitch, that there was only so much that I could endure. Oh gosh what a sap I am.

I actually decided to attend my next class. Shocking isn’t it. I don’t really know why but I had a feeling I should. So I went in only to find Alec in there. He was surrounded by people. Looks like he was the new Mr. Popular. But when did he join? What the hell was he doing here? Were all the other schools on the planet demolished? What about the strange vibes I got from him? And why the hell was he staring at me with one those amused yet irritated and hungry expression of his?!!! I ignored him and his awful expression and went to any seat I could find which was way far from where he sat. But it was of no use. He used just the last possible second to get up and make his way over to me. Now he didn’t exactly sit by me but he definitely moved closer. He sat just at my back because I could feel his gaze through the whole awful treacherous hour. And this was exactly the time the ghosts decided to abandon me to feel his gaze and get bored in trig.

As soon as the bell rang I was the first one out but some butthead rammed into me and toppled my books over. He was away before I could shoot him the bird. I was actually considering leaving my books there and scooting away, only to find them in my face. Alec had them stacked and all ready to go. Guess this was the moment when I’m supposed to say thanks. Like in his dreams. I curtly took the books as he handed them to me and carefully avoided his eyes. I didn’t need to look up to see his amused expression. I knew his every thought and feeling. Wonder when I’ll solve his latest mystery. He was still there waiting for what? An apology? Thanks? Mark of appreciation? I decided to move away but I was a second too late ‘cause he said, “So I’m Alec as you already know, I’m sorry but I didn’t catch your name earlier?”

I was about to ignore him and go but I couldn’t help myself.

“Yeah it’s because I don’t throw it away for strangers to catch.”

Then with a toss of my hair I walked away. There let him think I was some stuck up, proud, snotty little b***h. That will surely keep him away. But something told me he wasn’t going away, not yet, not before even trying. What was he trying for though, that was exactly what I had to find out.

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© 2014 Dark and Mysterious

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Reviews

Dominique

Wow. This was a great story. I loved it :)

Posted 11 Years Ago

Rose of Gondor

:DDD I likey.

Posted 11 Years Ago

11 Years Ago

Belinda

I love this book, thats probably why it was the first book I featured on the Books only group! This is really good. I think you should have a ton more readers, cause I would buy this. Its good!